i need some advice please

[conveco]

Hi

This is going to be a bit of a long one and i am sorry but i need to get this all off my chest and hopefully gain some good advice from you.
I had my first child last year i returned back to work after 3 months of having her.
another employee began paying me attention and to be honest just having a baby it made me feel really good as my husband didnt really pay me alot of attention. this is where u are all going to think bad of me. i began spending lots more time with this man i did begin to really like him. 6 months past and i guess i saw him 1 or 2 times a week and he wanted me to commit to him which i couldnt. since having my baby girl i went off sex with my husband my sex drive disappeared but then i regained it with this man.just recently i stopped seeing this man as i do not feel it was right. i had been going through a bad patch and he had been there to listen to me not my husband. i still cant bring myself to have sex with my husband and i do not know why i do love him dearly and i feel i have let him and my daughter down by my actions. i have fet very low since having my baby and i guess the attention from someone else blew me away. i do miss the company of this other man but i really want to patch things back up with my husband how they used to be. my husband does not know about this other man. how can i get my sex drive back, how can i stop myself feling so low all the time. i feel i have let everyine down and am very ashamed of myself. any help and advice would be very grateful

whiskeyandbeer you make some valid points and i believe that all relationships are built on honesty. However people are human and do make mistakes. I am not sure the op is trying to find ways of getting away with the affair or having her cake and eating it, as the affair is over. However as we have all said she has a lot of work to do to get things back on track and she should be sure she is truly remorseful and sorry and that this was a mistake. I am not sure that anyone is condoning things and i think we are all saying that what she needs to do is to speak to her dh. It's really up to her about how honest she wants to be i suppose.

Rabbit - I think W&B is having a bad day today, not normally this judgemental! Maybe the OP hit a sore point or something

Yes I agree LL - he was being OTT, I found it odd that's all.

Conveco, come back!! - we'll help you

Don't know why you're having a go at whiskeyandbeer who as far as I can see is suggesting that conveco is honest with her husband. What is wrong with that? It will come out eventually and sometimes life hurts!

sorry honestly the last thing i'm going to say on this thread.
and i'm not trying to be judgmental as it wasn't the op's post that got me a bit self-righteous as she has largely sat back since that post and she is genuinely looking for advice.and i have voiced my genuine opinions on what people should do in such a situation.
it was more the responses in the immediate aftermath.ympathising with her (ok she's obviously having a bad time of it but she chose to have an affair) but it was mainly the ones advising her not to tell her husband and one even congratulating her on ending the affair.i just honestly believe that when people don't tell their partners about affairs or one night stands it has nothing to do with not wanting to hurt their partners, it has everything to do with selfishness and fear of what might happen if they confess. they don't want to ruin their relationship on the surface of it sounds like it is a reasonable reason but to me that just translates to they don't want to take responsibility for their actions.they've already ruined their relationships they just don't want to have their partner find out.

theres no reason to tell - what would it achieve.

meant to say that her husband has had no choice in the matter of wether or not she had an affiar and now once again he is having no choice in how to deal with his wifes unfaithfullness. she is deciding that the marraige is worth saving despite her infidelity when surely that should be the choice of the partner who remained faithful.

wandb maybe the 'well done' thing wasn't best choice of words in hindsight. You have made some really valid points and am sure the op will have alot to think about when she looks back on here. This is a very sensitive subject.

ok i know i have done wrong and at this point in time i have never felt as low or bad as i do now. yes before i had my baby me and my husband got on well after well i dont really know i didnt feel i had any support from him its not an excuse i didnt go out to have an affair. the man i saw i guess made me feel special in myself made me feel i am someone. i felt really emotional after having my first baby and am at an all time low now. i cant explain why i did it and i never felt so bad for doing it i just do not know the right way to deal with things. i am always crying but feel silly going to the doctors about it when i think ill go i feel fine so dont go. i was advised to join mums net to try and help im sorry whiskey if you think i am a terrible person i didnt think what i was doing i just felt good about myself and felt wanted. not having any support from anyone else as have no family i guess it made me ffel good till i realised i was doing wrong. i do love my husband dearly and my child . thank you to everyone else for your kind words and support i am sorry to have bothered youall and seem to caused bad feeling. i wont again.

i dont want people to take me wrong. i know what i did is wrong very wrong and i dont want to hurt my husband.maybe i am depressed but i am to scared to go and see a doctor i feel he will think i am silly. oh i just dnt know what to do anymore

Conveco there is no need to go. You have as much right as anyone to ask for help. Yes you made a mistake , yes you can overcome this. Do you have a halth visitor for your dd ? You really need to speak to a professional about how you are feeling , you sound very low.
Also speak to your dh. Tell him what you feel is appropriate. As for Relate you just give them a ring and make an appointment. They can take a while to come through though.

i jsut want to add that my dh slept with someone while I was pg with dd. he then behaved like a complete bastard because he was wracked with guilt but I didn't know. When he eventually told me, he felt much better but I suffered enormously. I just wanted to say that there is a case for not telling/hurting dh if all it will do is make you feel better. Not condemning you for your actions at all but just adding another perspective. hth

thank you lilylou. i guess didnt want to ask for help of the fear people will think really bad of me. i havent seen my childs health vistor for over 6 months i think. i guess im scared of asking for help. thats why i gave this ago and this seems tog o horribley wrong. it wasnt the fact he finished it it was me something clicked and i knew what i had done was wrong and i couldnt be more sorry for that. i have tried talking to my husband to tell him how i feel like im upset and things and to be honest he doesnt listen to me so i stop.

thank you cruise mum. i havent treated my hubby badley. yes i do feel guilty what i have done but im not out to make myself feel better reguarding that. i have beeen down for a long time and i guess me realising my actions has pushed me lower. i really do not know where to go or what to do for the best.

I would really urge you to go to your docotr then . You won't be able to sort anything out on the relationship front whilst you feel so low. Might be worth popping on the feeling depressed threads for more advice on pnd. If your dh isn't listening maybe relate is the way to go then.
As for mnet that's the nature of this site don't worry people will always have different opinions about things.
You acn't change what's happened but only you can make things different from here. Good Luck.

I think it would be good to go to your hv/gp. You sound very low. HV/Gp are not going to judge you, look down on you or think you are wasting their time. They are there to help you.

I think you would benefit from going to Relate on your own, so you can talk freely about this affair and go through your options.

As to telling him...well, one thing to consider is how you are going to cope with a secret. These things can eat you up. Even if he never knows (whether that is right or wrong is another matter) you will always know. How will that affect you? In 5 years time, will you be sitting down to dinner, look over at him and still be thinking "I betrayed you I betrayed you I betrayed you." He doesn't even have to know about this for it to wreck your marriage.

So again, I suggest Relate. If you tell him, if you don't, that is for you to weigh up. But you do need to understand why this happened and ultimatly, you need to forgive yourself.

And (for the benefit of whiskeyandbeer ) I would say this if you were a woman OR a man, and you were posting about your shame and deep regret at your betrayal of your spouse.

"whiskeyandbeer may be disapproving, but I am sure he/she would still not want you to feel driven out."

not posting to continue my argument, just to agree with this point.
it's a contentious issue and people are going to disagree etc.
i merely voiced my opinion and defended them when people disagreed with them etc. that was all i was here to do.it's an internet forum so no matter what i say i can't make up your mind for you.
but i certainly did not come here to drive you out or anything of the sort.
oh and its he.

thank you mytwopennysworth for you advice. how do i go about relate? thank you for your advice

thank you mytwopennysworth for you advice. how do i go about relate? thank you for your advice

relate