How do court orders involving children work in reality?

[CatsandRoses]

My partner has a child (age 8) with his ex. They split up 7 years ago and were never married. Since splitting, they have split the child's time 50-50 between homes, one week at mums, one week at dads. My partner pays more than his ex would get through the CMS and is happy to continue to do so as his ex is a low earner.

I met my partner two years ago, and I get on well with his child. Since arriving on the scene, his ex's behavior towards me has been challenging. She has spread rumors about me and my partner to his friends and family (she regularly speaks to his mum). At handover time, she always says that she needs to speak to partner urgently and will then draw out a long story about something trivial. I have never risen to this behavior. Both myself and my partner find her very childish and quite pathetic. However, we don't want to negatively influence the child, so we hold our tongues, and smile and nod.

This lockdown situation has frustrated us all. She started an argument with my partner on the doorstep the other day. She claimed that the tyres on my car are flat and that the car is unsafe to drive. She said that she doesn't want her child in my car and will phone the police if I do. We weren't planning on driving anywhere anyway, so my partner just said fine.

However, me and my partner have now decided that we want this person out of our lives. We don't want to have to see her anymore, and we are looking at how we can realistically achieve this. We are looking at getting a court order, which we think would encourage her to behave a bit less immaturely?

Does anyone have any advice?

This is rich coming from me as I struggle to disengage myself but just disengage! Don’t even entertain her, I personally wouldn’t go to court though unless she’s actually stopping contact. Simple yes no answers will do and only talk about the child. Although it will be your husband who needs to do all this not you.

To be clear, my partner's ex has been behaving poorly since she and my partner split up 7 years ago. She has treated all of his new partners badly, not just me.

I rarely speak to her. My partner does all the handovers. He is the one who is sick of seeing her, and he is the one who suggested a court order. She usually tries to get into our house during handover, and my partner isn't sure how to get her to stop doing this. He has asked her politely many times.

He just needs to stand at the door and block her entry. No need for her to come inside. He could even walk out to get DD from her car to avoid ex having to get out too.

Is she very insecure / isolated? Does she have a new partner?
Imho he just needs to use the broken record technique repeating Goodbye if you have anything to say please put it in writing on (WhatsApp/ email / whatever) and stop being phased by doing that. Add see you and shut the door if it's your door. If she continues to rant to a closed door she is the only one looking silly.
Explain to dc that they are big now and you understand they will want to do things more independently. Tell the child to knock on the door after kissing dad goodbye and drive off as soon as you saw them open the door. Give dc a key to your place on a special keyring and explain this is because he is big and grown up. DC may then take the lead on doing the same when coming to you.
Get his mum on side and be very cautious about what you tell her until she has shown she knows to stop sharing...
Good boundaries are needed and an ability to bite your tongue if the ex is desperately trying to get a rise.

She sounds like a dick but dint think there's anything you can do about it. In a few years his daughter will be old enough not to need any interaction with her. It's been 7 years jeez

Can you help your partner practice some stock phrases?

Something like:

Ex- can I just pop in quickly to chat about xyz

Partner - sorry not right now, got to dash. Text me the details if you can.

Maybe if he gets a good few prepared and has them ready that will help?

I have similar situation.
What I do is drive to pick up or drop off kid and stay in car. So you can safely see the handover but no need for argument to staff as you at safe distance in a car

Again just try and empathise with his child and all the new partners who have come and gone in 7 years. If you were his mum wouldn't you have legitimate concerns? If she feels entitled to come in to his property that suggests it's a behaviour they've established over 7 years. I think you need your bullshit radar set higher as the child's mum is there to stay whereas by the sound of it, partners are coming and going.

Sorry if this is a bit of a tangent but if they both do 50/50 care, why is he paying her maintenance?

Can he do all pick up and drop offs?

A court order isn't what your after. It's for cases like one parent is likely to be abusive at hand overs so a third party and neutral pick up/drop off point is defined.

This person? That not very nice

It sounds like petty stuff easily dealt with by growing a backbone or kill her with kindness invite her in give her a cup of tea show the child you can all coparent like a big happy family

And if you tyres are flat fucking fix them

@Paperlantern123 I hope you don’t mind, and feel free to say no, but I wondered if I could maybe pm you for a bit advice???

I have a 50/50 court order, believe me, I can’t get my ex out of my life (and he makes it hell) is there a reason why they have to do handovers at all? Personally, I drop them school on a Monday morning, and then he picks them up and drops them to school the following Monday morning and vice versa, in the holidays, we have specific (public) handover points, I do not approach him, I walk the children until I can see him and then I watch them go to him....

My tyres aren't flat. I think she made a fuss over them as partner had texted ex an hour before handover to politely ask that she didn't try to enter the property. Yes, I did go out and check my tyres. I'm fairly certain that they're fine.

In terms of money, that's an odd one. Partner's ex wasn't a British citizen when they split (she is now). Because of this, she couldn't work, so partner felt obliged to support her financially until she sorted her situation out. She does work now, but she is a low earner. I think that partner feels that his kid will go without if he doesn't support her.

Handovers between partner and ex have always taken place on a Sunday afternoon. But yes, I think that a school handover on Monday would be more sensible. I will suggest this.

In terms of previous partners, my partner has had two other LT girlfriends before me (since having his child). According to partner, his ex was just as rude and childish with them.