First of all I apologise as this is a really long post.
We have been together for 2 years and have a 5 month old son. He’s a good looking, lovely nice guy but I’ve never really felt that sexually attracted to him, nor is he very emotional/romantic so I always felt like I ‘settled’ by being with him. (I had a baby with him really quickly after I took out my implant and didn’t expect to fall pregnant so quickly.) Something deep down in my gut told me we weren’t quite right but I never knew how to address it or to tell him as I was scared to break his heart and have really low confidence. I feel horrible for feeling this way especially as I know how much he loves me.
Anyways I finally plucked up the courage to do it and broke up with him a few weeks ago. My partner loves the bones off me and he’s devastated and heartbroken. I have moved back in with my family whilst he is raising the funds to buy me out of our house. And we have started co parenting to share our son.
I have really severe post natal/clinical depression and anxiety. And because of the fact that I am essentially a single mother for most of the week and don’t have the support of my ex, I’m finding the transition and bonding with my son really hard. I am on antidepressants and waiting to see a therapist on the NHS for all of this. I think I would feel slightly less anxious and more able to focus on my son if I could stop feeling so guilty about my partner and constantly worrying about him. And as we share our son it’s not like I can block him and try to forget things.
So I’m worried he will never move on and I will never be able to focus on my new life as I am constantly feeling guilty and worrying about him. It’s affecting my mental health, and I can’t stop replaying our break up in my head and every time I look at my son it reminds me of my ex and our relationship (which had a lot of troubles as I have felt very unsupported and alone in many parts of it) which is why I am finding it hard to relax and spend time with my son. I’m not trying to punish my son but I’m finding it so hard to show him love and just relax/play with him (but he is fed, clothed and always clean/happy).
I‘m wondering if I should just go to couples therapy to try and help my ex see why we split and all of the unhappy issues I had with our relationship so that he’d find it easier to understand and move on or at least perhaps use it to give us one last shot as this is affecting me so much.
Any advice on the guilt, should I give it one last shot? And what do I say to my ex? At the moment we are keeping it cordial and about our son but my PND is getting worse and we would need to start discussing a proper schedule coparenting/me finally moving all of my stuff out of our house.