Husband Lying again

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Ive just found out my husband has been lying again about viewing porn sites and cam sites.

Over the years it has really affected our sex life. I have said that I have no issue with porn sites but would prefer that he limits them and not lie about his use because I don't want it affecting our relationship.

Over the past few months I've noticed things in the bedroom have changed a little and have asked him about his porn use.. He promised me many times that he has only watched it on a handful of occasions when we have together and doesn't have any desire to other times.

A couple nights ago I told him that I knew he was lying about the use because of changes I've been noticing.. He finally admitted that hes been watching it at nearly any given opportunity.

Most recently when Ive been dealing with the supermarkets and queues because he can't drive.

Feel heartbroken. I think this is maybe the 5th time this has happened..
I don't understand why he can't be honest about how often he uses it, to really limit or stop it and now I'm wondering if it's all my fault. Am I controlling? Should I just try and forget about it all and let him continue?

I don't feel like its the porn as such but knowing that he has looked me in the eyes on many occasions and lied. Especially as I'm the one having to go out and im battling my anxiety to get food items in. Sigh.

Confused and feeling low. Any advice appreciated.

You sound really unhappy. There’s no objective amount of unhappiness you have to feel to end your relationship. You know you can’t trust him. He’s choosing to lie to you, over and over again. You deserve better

I don't understand why he can't be honest about how often he uses it?

Because he doesn’t want to limit or to stop using it.

You can’t keep engaging in the viscous circle of him lying, you catching him out and him making more promises that he has no intention of keeping.

It’s either a deal breaker or it isn’t but the balls in your court because he doesn’t want to change.

I don't and won't have porn In my relationship. I made it clear form the start that was ten years ago . He agreeded . He know if I found out that he has he would be gone in a heart beat no matter how happy we are x

Why can't he come to the supermarket with you to help, especially as you're struggling with it?

He sounds really selfish

Only my opinion obviously but he's never going to stop. He's probably always done this. He'll keep promising (I.e. lying) that he won't look at porn again, but he will.

There's no point in what you're doing. You'll keep catching him out, no matter how much he deletes or lies and you'll go through this shit again and again.

It's either ok or it isn't. Middle ground doesnt work, trust me, I know xx

Only one person has to shop at a time.

Im so sad.

I can't get my head around why he would lie? The other times its all happened I've asked him to be honest with me in the future. If it starts becoming really frequent to just share it with me and we can work through it/figure it out before it starts making our sex life difficult. And if I ask if hes watched porn recently to just tell the truth?

I really don't understand the hiding and lying about it because I have said I'm ok with it in small amounts as long as it doesn't become a frequent issue and starts affecting us.

Its making me question other things and I am so tired. He lies so convincingly too.

Only one person at the shops unfortunately :(

It’s either a deal breaker or it isn’t but the balls in your court because he doesn’t want to change.

This.

So you drive to the shops and he goes round the supermarket. Take a book.

Most people will lie if questioned on their masturbatory habits OP, it's personal and as IF he's going to be that honest "alright love, just going for a wank, will probably be watching porn, see you in a bit"... He's not going to tell you because its a) weird to do so and b) no matter what you say, porn is now an issue, he knows you don't like it and so he will lie.

I am not judging you by the way, nor am i defending him, I'm going through the exact same thing. I can't play these games, i know he looks at it and I've accepted it. The alternative was to leave him, which i dont want to.

A very open and frank discussion is needed then depending on the results of that, you can make your choice. The way you are going about things is the path i took originally and it didn't work at all.

I can't get my head around why he would lie?

Er, its obvious why he lies. He doesn’t want to stop and you keep asking. He isn’t going to stop, so you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker. Handwringing and going round in circles is not helping.

Er, its obvious why he lies. He doesn’t want to stop and you keep asking. He isn’t going to stop, so you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker.

This is spot on I'm afraid, it's up to you to make a decision about this and then stick to it - it's either a dealbreaker or it isn't.

He's made his bed, let him lie in it. You will never be happy in this relationship because he'll never stop doing it.

Really appreciate your replies.

It's so difficult to understand.

My issue with porn is that the more he watched it the less able he was to maintain/finish whilst having sex. We both definitely saw a change when he had stopped for a while. He also was far more affectionate :(

It feels like if I just think sure go ahead its not a deal breaker its going to end up breaking us.

Can limiting porn use ever work?

Or am I left with leaving him or putting up with it even though it impacts our sex life and how I feel emotionally?

It’s up to you to decide if you can accept that he will be continually doing this (whether you discuss it or not) as he enjoys it and doesn’t want to stop.

He’s hiding it to either:
not hurt your feelings/
not make you angry/
not have to talk about it with you/
not have to justify his actions as he feels he should be able to do this.

So you have to decide either to turn a blind eye or leave him. The compromise you proposed (Some porn) didn’t work.

I chose not to stay with my bf. I didn’t want sex as much as him. He was nagging or cajoling if I didn’t. My choice was let him watch porn or let him go. Porns not my thing so I let him go.

Turned out he was a sex addict and had had a problem for years but chose not to seek help. If he had we could have still been together.

Or am I left with leaving him or putting up with it even though it impacts our sex life and how I feel emotionally?

To an extent yes I'm afraid, even though it's shit.

Some things are black and white. You aren't ok with porn and that's your shout. He wants to watch porn and that's his shout.

On things like this I don't think a compromise can work because how finite does it need to be e.g he's allowed to watch an hour a week - how can you 'enforce' that, timesheets?!

If he's said he wants to continue watching it then I don't think a caveat is going to help. In reality the issue is you don't feel he is affectionate enough or that your sex life isn't as good as it could be, which are issues he could solve while still watching porn, if he actually wanted to.

You need to have an honest and open chat with him about dealbreakers and then stick to them.

I understand how realistically managing limits/use wouldn't work.

Its making me realise how unhappy about porn I am, I thought I could and was ok with it. But I think applying this sense of control was only pretending to 'help' me cope with it.

Its really hard to write how I'm feeling. I feel just quite sad and empty, crying in the bath because I'm not sure where or how to go from here and I can't bare to speak about it with him right now.

But OP you have agency over your own life.

He wants to keep watching porn more than he wants to stop because it makes you sad.

You want him to stop watching porn more than you want him to continue because him stopping would make him sad.

Everything isn't always a case of right vs wrong, goodie vs baddie.

Sometimes it's just incompatibility.

I couldn't be with a smoker. So if someone wanted to keep smoking more than they wanted to be with me I would leave.

Similarly if they wanted to keep smoking more than they wanted to be with an anti smoker they should leave too.

But one party has to be the one to make the decision.

It's a dealbreaker or it's not. Do you want to live the rest of your life feeling not confident, anxious and sad?

It doesn't matter if in principle it 'should' be an issue or not. The fact remains it IS an issue for you, so you need to take control of your own destiny and decide what you can cope with and what you can't.

I think your update was important OP. Until then it sounded like a moral objection but if his porn use is so high that it affects your sex life, and he knows this, and you've been through the stages of recognising there is an issue, talking to him about it, him stopping to watch it as much, your sex life improving, and then he starts to watch it again and there is another issue etc etc...then you only have two choices -
Accept this is going to keep happening, and that your sex life will keep getting better and worse (which happens in lots of long term relationships) but that without you addressing it with him he will veer to prioritising porn over your sex life, however when you do address it you recognise that he does make an effort, for a time. Or leave. If its already happened a few times in the past, what is going to be different going forward?

I completely understand where you are coming from OP.

I never used to have a problem with my husband watching porn until I found out he had paid over £2000 watching cam sites.

I have major trust issues with him now and whenever he is on his phone I think he is up to something and the paranoia is getting hard to deal with.

Without removing his phone (which you obviously can’t do) you will never know what he’s up to 100% of the time.

I feel like I am OK for certain periods of time, and something will happen in our relationship and it will bring back all the memories and I get really down and feel shit about it.. for me it’s not constant and I think that’s how I cope. If this is something that is constantly bothering you then you know what you need to do

He finally admitted that he’s been watching it at nearly any given opportunity.

He knows that his porn habit is damaging your marriage, but nevertheless continues to prioritize it.

You say he has also been webcamming. I would consider that interactive sexual experience as cheating.

You have incompatible values, and he has repeatedly shown disrespect for your feelings and boundaries. He is not going to change. I would walk away.

He isn't telling you about it because you're trying to control what he's doing. You've said he can watch it but only in small amounts, so in effect you've told him porn is ok, just as long as is you controlling it.

If you don't want him to watch it then you need to tell him you're not ok with it at all and then if he still watches it you leave. I'm a bloke that doesn't watch porn any more but when I did I wouldn't tell my wife when I watched it (a lot) partly because she was ok with it, presumably like you are in "small amounts".

Have you ever told him what your"small amounts" actually is?

I'm in the same boat. I've had enough of my husband promising me your enough for me your too good for me. I understand how it makes you feel blah blah blah I won't do it again blah blah blah well recently I discovered he's lying to me once again and I've made the decision to get a divorce after Christmas. If I'm not happy my children aren't happy. I've had enough of him looking me in the eye and promising me he will change it's been 16 years my anxiety levels are through the roof I don't trust him an inch I spend all my day wondering why I'm not good enough for him anymore. I've given him everything 6 kids and my life I can't handle his lies anymore I'm done. After Christmas I am definitely going to see a solicitor and discuss divorce proceedings because clearly every other woman in the world is better than me so he can go and find himself a new one. I've spent the last few years building my trust for him and now it's gone again and I'm not willing to work on it anymore . I deserve to be appreciated for everything I do. Not be lies to. The only feeling I have now Is heartbreak and pain because I now know I don't mean anything to him. I love him but not enough anymore to keep putting myself through this. I don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth and I am no longer willing to live this unhappy miserable life full of lies just to make him happy. I'm done .
Sorry for the long post . I was hoping it would make me feel better but it hasn't .

I haven't told him that I accidentally stumbled upon it again because all I'm going to get is lies. It was all literally an accident I was downloading something for my children on his phone (my battery died) and I whilst it was downloading I looked for a Xmas gift that I had an idea for and as I was deleting the history so he didn't see it there it was his search for a certain person nude again and her x-rated movie) I hate living this life and I'm not doing it anymore after Christmas I'm out

I personally have no issue with porn. I have a massive issue with only fans and cam sites as interactive and crosses a line, I consider it cheating. I've been very very clear on this.
I wouod 100% leave if I found my partner on these and he knows it.

You need a clear and Frank discussion as I can see why confused as ocassionaly isn't very defined or clear. Then you need to follow through on what you agree and so does he

I'm hating my husband because all he does is lie about watching porn

He had a addictive personality and year ago when we were maybe 4 years in( 8 years together now.) he was addicted and found every way he could to watch it and hide it from me and even when I knew he done it and he got caught he still lied in my face and got so angry.

I dont mind porn uts the lying again. The minute imm not in the house he does it .
I love him.but I can't see myself dealing with the deceit from him all the time. It's like he can't go without it .
We aren't as intimate as much anymore none of us Really initiate sex anymore. I feel angry with him it's like I'm second best but like I said I can't confront him he always has a answer and then gas lights me . I really think he believes his own lies its unreal.