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Original poster

Husband talking to ex gf

19 replies

Honestwife · 03/04/2020 01:47

I thought my marriage was strong and we had trust but I’ve recently found out that this wasn’t the case. With the virus in full swing and so many people dying my husband suggested ringing an ex to see how she is and her family. I made it quite clear that this was the wrong thing to do as and x is an x for a reason and you must leave your past behind especially when the other party still has feelings.
Well guess what he doesn’t take my advice and gets in contact and she rings him and the only way I found out was I walked in to the room where they were having a conversation and he looked guilty and I saw her name on his phone. I didn’t say anything and walked back out thinking if he was talking to her he would tell me. Well I waited all day and nothing was said. It was bugging me so I confronted him, he denied it. I asked him again and he went quite so I asked the third time and the truth came out. He did in fact speak to her.
Now this is the issue the issue of deception and betrayal. My confrontation with him made him tell me, he had no intention to. Ontop of that it all came out about how he has been thinking about her and needed to make contact with to see she was ok. I fell second best. Why would you bring someone into your marriage?
Am I right or am I wrong in thinking that he still has feelings for her? Why would you contact someone after years of marriage?

OP posts:

theschoolonthehill · 03/04/2020 02:00

Did your DH or his ex finish the relationship? Yes he still has feelings for her. That doesn't mean he necessarily loves/is in love with her but she was obviously an important part of his life and someone he hasn't forgotten about. In times like these, nothing is normal. I understand why he rang her. I have been thinking of an ex so much recently, and then he got in contact with me last week out of the blue! I replied as well. I was also NC with a very old ex friend and this week dropped a message to her. Why? Because I care about both of them. It doesn't mean I'm going to abandon my DH and children to run to either the ex boyfriend or ex friend though.

rvby · 03/04/2020 02:07

Is there a huge drip feed coming? Because you sound bonkers tbh? Hes not "bringing someone else into the marriage" by making a phone call. Jesus christ. Does calling someone mean you are marrying them ffs?

This would be a non issue to me. I'm in contact with my exes, and I asked after them when all this happened. Because they are good guys with family members who are vulnerable, who have kids, their own health issues etc. My partner has done the same, I'm sure. Because he is an empathetic person who knows that phoning someone isnt the same as shagging them or marrying them

If you want to die on this hill, go for it I guess. I certainly wouldn't. We are living in a really extraordinary circumstance, maybe calm down a bit and think about other people's feeling rather than your own ego.

SpoonBlender · 03/04/2020 02:21

I'm with rvby. I've checked in with the two exes I'm friendly with, DP's checked in with one also. We've been together 25 years. Partnering up doesn't whitewash people's previous lives over!

MsDogLady · 03/04/2020 02:57

He denied it.

He chose to lie. I would have a huge issue with this.

FagashJackie · 03/04/2020 03:05

It's the lying, rather than the concern?

Monty27 · 03/04/2020 03:39

I would understand someone calling an ex to check on them. The fact that he felt the necessity to hide it from you is something else. You've both got to look at yourselves and resolve it. Or not.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/04/2020 04:12

I have to say I've been quite touched by 2 ex's contacting me to make sure we're ok. In turn it made me contact a couple of people to make sure they're doing ok.

There's nothing in it beyond extraordinary times bringing out the best in people.

soannya · 03/04/2020 05:56

It’s the lying! Plus if he’s not normally in touch then yes it’s weird. It’s like he’s using the virus as a reason to initiate contact.

Original poster

Honestwife · 03/04/2020 08:35

It’s the denial when asked if he spoke to her. I’ve never really cared about him talking to his x(‘S). Its the fact he couldn’t be honest that’s hurt me more than anything.

OP posts:

FlyMayBe · 03/04/2020 10:01

I made it quite clear that this was the wrong thing to do as and x is an x for a reason and you must leave your past behind especially when the other party still has *feelings
*
You sound quite controlling, OP

theschoolonthehill · 03/04/2020 10:36

Its the fact he couldn’t be honest

Why do you think he couldn’t be honest with you?

If you reacted differently, do you think he could have been/be honest?

hibeat · 03/04/2020 12:19

True love does not change, is not sexual. You could be interested in the well being of somebody with zilch further motives. The question is why did he deny it, is it because he has feelings for the old old panties or because he thinks its a kind of white lie that will protect you ? You have to discuss the us between you, not old old panties, nor any lingering feeling that could/ could not exist. IMHO. He asked for your advice and did not do what you said. He had the freewill to act as he wished, the opportunity but...got caught. Now what do you want from this situation now ? What are the options ? In retrospect, Could he be honest ? You really did not care ? Did he understand that ? Why did you say no in the first place ? Perhaps now you realise that you did not care. What changed ? This woman right now is just a phone call, don't make her bigger than she is. I'm am not saying that he is not at fault, but have a clear understanding of were you stand and what you want before you have a talk with M. confused. The two of you tangoing is not a good prospect in this day and age of selfcontainment.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 03/04/2020 12:22

It's not unusual to check in on people you care about. That part wouldn't bother me one bit. Lying would bother me enormously, though, and I'd want to find out why he needed to do that.

champagneandfromage50 · 03/04/2020 12:28

Sorry but I find it odd that his first thought during the virus was an ex. I am assuming given your married the ex is from a few years ago..Completely understand contacting family and friends. Telling you he had been thinking about her is weird and then lying about speaking to her is just strange....

hibeat · 03/04/2020 13:41

He did check on his wife before calling, even if it ended this way. Not talking about it at all would have been the real pitfall. Perhaps he did not expect her reaction. And nothing says old panties was the first person he checked on.

Hoggleludo · 03/04/2020 13:49

Meh.

Wouldn't bother me

People are ex's for a reason.

It always fascinates me as to why when you're in love with someone. The. Break up. Then never speak to them again. You spent some part of your life being intimate. Yet suddenly. Boom. Nothing.

He probably lied as he knew you'd be mad.

ErickBroch · 03/04/2020 14:13

I would find it very weird and be fuming if he lied

caramelbun · 03/04/2020 14:46

I wouldn’t like it either OP. You asked him not to and he still called her. I would be irritated if my DH phoned his Ex to show he still cares about her and is thinking of her. I honestly wish the best to my and my DHs ex partners but I draw the line at reaching out to connect with them.

Maybe your reaction is a bit over the top too though? He’s not bringing someone else into the marriage or betraying you. I hope you are ok.

Conflicted26 · 03/04/2020 15:23

@honestwife, I totally understand what you’re saying as I am going through the same thing. One your ex is an ex for a reason. I don’t talk to my exes because I think about how my husband would feel if he was to find out I’m still in dialect with them. He sure as hell wouldn’t like it. Okay fair enough we are going through a time of uncertainties and you will need to check in on others. But why try to hide it and lie about it? Yesterday I walked in on my husband talking to a woman from his pass and she asked who I was and he was so reluctant to answer. She asked serval times before he forcefully said my wife. So I asked who she was and he said she was a friend checking up on him. Any way the conversation get going even though my husband hated the fact I was in the room and talking to her. She asked if he has any kids and he lied to her in front of my face, denying that we have a 2 months old baby. This really hurt me, I managed to get it to the conversation that yes he has a child and he grew even more angrier. He said they are very good friends but he’s hiding me away from her and denying his baby to her.
My husband had lied to me about so many little things which broke my trust for him. And I got suspicious about that phone call because I was in the living room sleeping and he came out to check I was sleeping. So hence why I went into the room.

Like I feel so depressed right now cause I don’t feel loved or cared for in the marriage. I feel like a second class citizen to him. He shut me out of his life and when I try to talk to him last night about how I feel. He deflected the conversation and made it sound as if I’m saying he can’t be in his phone or he can’t speak to other women. Without even acknowledging how he’s making me feel, instead he shouted at me and went to lock him self in the bathroom and told me to think anything I want to think cause he doesn’t care. Tell me now is it all in my head? Is there any love at all in this marriage from him to towards me?

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