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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wish I never felt like this

19 replies

UnagiSalmonSkinRoll · 02/04/2020 23:17

Obviously there are more important things going on at the moment, but I just want to get things off my chest, as I don't really have anyone else to talk to.

My ex and I broke up about 2 years ago now after 15 years together, and 2 DC.
For almost all of these 2 years I've been such a mug helping him out as there were still feelings there, even though he was emotionally abusive by some of the names he used to call me and very lazy, never helped around the house.
Anyway he was working up until just over a month ago as he was let go, this was when he told me he's seeing someone, they started seeing each other a couple of weeks before he told me. The only reason he told me, because he was moving in with her and her 4 DC an hour away (by car) from where me and our DC live, so I was a little taken aback but just said ok.

He moved just over 3 weeks now and called me not long after this to ask if his girlfriend gives me petrol money will I bring our boys to him (he hasn't got a car) I said no as it was better for them to stay in one house until things settle down and I'm not going to accept money off a woman who has 4 children to feed and now him with no job and no maintenance off him. When I asked him does he have any idea when he'll be able to pay maintenance again, as I'm skint he said we all are. I said who's we and he said the UK. He got angry with me and I said well you're the one who's moved away

He never helped the boys get me a mother's day card (which he usually does). He phoned my eldest (11) just before he came back from working away and told him to go in another room. When my son came back I asked was everything ok, and he said yes we were just talking about mother's day. Turns out this call wasn't about that, it was when he was telling our son he's was moving in with his gf, but told him to lie to me. I messaged him on mother's day saying thanks for helping the boys get me a card, and his reply was 'you're welcome'.

He rang me last week to ask how the boys were, I was mostly giving him short answers, not really engaging, but he said it's lovely where I am, I hope you and the boys move somewhere nice one day (I'm not in the nicest of areas) it just felt so patronising if I'm honest.
He even rang me yesterday and asked if I would go into the doctors where we live and pick up his sick note and send him a picture of it so he can claim money, I told him where to go.

It just feels so crap, that he's moved to a nicer house then mine, in a nicer area and he's got someone there to talk to. I love my boys so much, but I've never felt so lonely and defeated.
I'm overthinking alot at the moment but one of those thoughts is, he's stuck in with a woman he's known for just over 2 months and her DC and she's will see his true colours soon, as he hasn't changed at all. I know I shouldn't be thinking these things, but it's so hard.

Sorry that was long, I just needed to get this out, as I feel I'm going to explode.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 02/04/2020 23:31

You need to completely stop talking to him. Don't engage in these chats! He's a dick!

Telling your 11 year old to lie to you would be enough for me to never speak to him. Tha'ts very unhealthy for a little boy...to be told some important news and made to lie.

Also...on the card front...decent men might help their kids but he's not decent.

Have a chat with your oldest and let him know you'd MUCH prefer homemade cards in future.

Stop expecting your ex to be nice...he's not. And I do feel for you....but you can't rely on him at all.

UnagiSalmonSkinRoll · 02/04/2020 23:42

Thanks for replying @FortunesFave. Yes I've told him if he wants to speak to the boys he needs to ring my eldest and go from there. Up until last week and yesterday I hadn't spoke to him at all, so I'm going to continue to do that. I would love to block him, but feel I can't due to the boys.
My son was upset that he was asked to lie, as he felt he had to at the time, as I didn't know he was moving yet, but I've told him not to do that again.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 03/04/2020 01:15

Yes and make sure your DS knows that it's not him who was in the wrong but his "Dad".

I feel for you...it's hard enough at the moment without dealing with asses like your ex.

This stood out to me

called me not long after this to ask if his girlfriend gives me petrol money will I bring our boys to him (he hasn't got a car) he's basically a loser OP....unbelievable that he's relying on his girlfriend for giving you petrol money!

She won't last long with him....she'll get tired of him. Then he'll realise what an arse he is.

AgentJohnson · 03/04/2020 04:03

You need to disengage from this idiot.

Thepigeonsarecoming · 03/04/2020 04:12

You broke up two years ago so don’t worry about what or who he is doing now. But yes asking your child to lie isn’t good. All as you can do now is to protect your children as best you can

category12 · 03/04/2020 06:39

You're so well rid of him.

He could probably get a job in a supermarket quite easily atm if he had anything about him, but he's just a leech.

Stop talking to him and focus on friends and family for interaction.

UnagiSalmonSkinRoll · 03/04/2020 12:41

Thanks everyone, I know from the stories I've read on here from people unable to get out of there abusive relationships, so I'm lucky to be able to be free of mine, as I know it would awful if we were still together.
I've told my son to never let his dad do that to him again, as that's not acceptable and he knows that it is not his fault.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 03/04/2020 13:49

Don't word it like that...."Never let him do it again"

He's 11....he can't control a grown man...he's not "letting" his Dad do anything....his Dad is doing it all on his own.

Make sure your son feels NO responsibility for his dad's actions and also make sure he isn't worried about you....many kids in situations like this feel responsible for their Mum and he shouldn;t.x

UnagiSalmonSkinRoll · 03/04/2020 14:07

@FortunesFave oh yeah, I see how that comes across.
I've told him that he hasn't done anything wrong and not to feel bad about it. He used to worry about me when we first split as he didn't like to see me sad, but I got on with my life and started a degree in children's nursing, so he tells me he is proud of me.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 03/04/2020 14:18

Aw I am so sorry for all of you. You and your poor 11yo - he's very young bless him he must feel so torn (because of his dad's actions not yours). I would just pull back from responding to him unless it's directly about the boys!

MikeUniformMike · 03/04/2020 19:46

He's moved in with someone he started seeing about two months ago and she has 4 kids.

Did I read that right?

UnagiSalmonSkinRoll · 03/04/2020 20:04

@MikeUniformMike yep you read that right. I asked him why so fast, and he said life is too short and I want to take risks 🤦‍♀️
I'm all for taking risks, but there would be no way I'd let someone that I've known for a couple of months move in with my and my boys, and the funniest thing is if I was to, he'd be the first to kick off about it Hmm

OP posts:
LovingLola · 03/04/2020 20:07

I feel so sorry for the 4 children that have to live with this useless bastard now

ArtisanBreadBin · 03/04/2020 20:09

Flowers sorry it's shit op.

MikeUniformMike · 03/04/2020 20:43

So she has 4 kids and a manboy she hardly knows to look after and feed. Lucky her!
And they're all cooped up in a lockdown.

I0NA · 03/04/2020 20:51

Sorry can I just check - did you say that you are bringing up two kids on your own AND doing a degree in children’s nursing ?

If so you are a ⭐️ And a hero and deserve 🎖. No wonder your son is proud of you - it’s people like you that hold our NHS together.

Your ex is a useless waste of space and you need to stop wasting your time and emotional energy on him. Let him contact his kids direct - unless you think it’s upsetting them.

UnagiSalmonSkinRoll · 03/04/2020 20:51

@LovingLola I know he is absolutely useless

Thank you @ArtisanBreadBin

@MikeUniformMike yep, I feel sorry for her in a way, as to me he was so lazy and everything was my fault, he would never take responsibility, so it won't be long before he will do the same to her, as it will be tough spending 24/7 with a partner and 4 kids too.

I'm just going to keep moving on, take everyday as it comes and hopefully once this virus starts to settle down, get back to University and live my life.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 03/04/2020 20:58

Good on you OP. You are an inspiration to us. You'll make a great children's nurse - not the easiest job, but so worthwhile.
Your DC sound like you are doing a great job of bringing them up.

Give yourself a big cheer from us.

UnagiSalmonSkinRoll · 03/04/2020 21:17

@MikeUniformMike that is such a lovely thing to say thank you FlowersWine but in all honesty, this site has been a big help, people you don't know giving you honest advice is amazing and it really opens your eyes.
Thank you

OP posts:
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