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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex dramas need advice please!

12 replies

Sxox · 02/04/2020 13:00

Hi ladies.
So I’ve wrote on here a couple of times and had some really amazing helpful advice so am kind of relying on yous atm! So here’s goes..
Basically me and my ex have been spilt one year now we have two twins who are 3, the relationship was totally toxic and me and the boys where thrown out after he cheated and had to start all over again but am back on my feet with kids now thankgod anyway, the last year he’s been having kids every 2nd weekend and there’s been no drama really until recently over Christmas period he was speaking to me 3/4 times per day making huge effort communicating about the kids and stuff it was like a friendship for the boys sake, until month ago he let the kids down with no explanation at all and I later found out he was on holiday with a girl I was raging he let kids down obv and sent an angry text since then he’s not bothered asking how they are how they’ve been basically blanking them all together since he’s met this new girl I’m so confused in what to do! I had to text him and ask did he want to see kids this weekend but just wanted to no if he was isolating and at no risk of having the virus and he’s so rude and blunt with the answers also shouting he’s going to be taking me to court now when all I’ve ever been was civil for the children. Has anyone been through similar like when the ex meets a new gf kids get ditched? What should I do!

Thanks ladies hope yous are all well ❤️

OP posts:
Wrybread · 02/04/2020 13:14

Has he asked you not to contact him anymore?

Original poster
Sxox · 02/04/2020 13:24

Well he’s saying he wants to do through lawyers now and one answered text messages when there literally about the kids! It’s all just changed he hasn’t been like this before it’s like he’s just not bothered about seeing them I just don’t no what to do

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/04/2020 13:29

shouting he’s going to be taking me to court now
About what exactly?
A mediator can sort out contact arrangements.
YOU can sort out contact arrangements if he has even a bit of a brain.
I think we all know where his brain has gone.
Let him take you to court OP.
Keep evidence of everything.
Every let down.
Every message.
Every bit of abuse.
Keep a dairy of events as well.
When he collects, when he drops off etc.....
When he contacts you - what he says.
Does he have money?
Because lawyers and court cost a lot of money.
Good luck to him!

SandyY2K · 02/04/2020 14:13

Stop contacting him. He's shown he's not interested in his sons. Let's see when and what he takes you to court for.

Tbh...I'd block him.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/04/2020 14:40

And what exactly is he going to be taking you to court for? What a twat!

Just ditch him - you've tried. Keep all texts etc., WHEN he gets back in touch because he's bored and she's ditched him, tell him in a neutral way that there's no longer a workable relationship as he trashed it, so he needs to go through a solicitor and arrange official visitation with the boys as obviously you don't want to cause him the distress he so clearly pointed out to you last time you tried to make contact for visitation reasons :) A great shame of course as it will be expensive for him now but what can you do. No, you won't be in contact again, he needs to do it through a solicitor now. No you won't be seeing him. He will need to arrange visitation through someone else, officially. No you won't be going back to a friendly informal situation as he made it clear that that was not what he wanted. Yes you do believe that thanks to his behaviour, it's now in the best interests of the children that it's all made official. Yes it is sad but it was his choice. Bye.

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2020 15:39

So let him take you to court. You’ve tried to get him to have the dc and he’s refused. What’s he going to say at court?

Wrybread · 02/04/2020 16:34

Gently: You can't make him have a relationship with the dc. It sounds like you want to fix it and make it all better, but he's showing you who he is. You need to stop trying to fix it...trying is just going to make it hurt more. I do feel for you though, it's horrible to have this happen.

Trouble is that if you keep contacting him, he could report you for harassment.

BackseatCookers · 02/04/2020 16:38

Disengage. Or send one message saying "I agree it's best to communicate through a mediator or legal representative from this point on, so I will await such contact and communicate only on matters regarding the children." Then stick to it. That shows you aren't doing anything close to parental alienation (in case he thinks he can claim this) but also means you can put it to rest for now.

Original poster
Sxox · 02/04/2020 19:43

He’s saying he’s taking me to court because when I found out he had went on holiday and let the kids down I sent a really angry message which I now regret and saying he’s using against me when I’ve literally been nothing but civil with this guy for a year I don’t care about his new gf I just don’t like my little boys being let down! He’s saying he will get them tomorrow at 3 now but still being cheeky one word messages. Just want it all sorted legal now I’m sick of playing games I only want him to be a good dad for the kids! I wish I never even tried to force him into having kids at the weekend now because if I now say he can’t have them until it’s sorted with lawyers it just makes me look terrible! Thanks ladies ❤️

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 02/04/2020 20:21

In that case I would send the kind of message I suggested:

"I agree it's best to communicate through a mediator or legal representative from this point on, so I will await such contact and communicate only on matters regarding the children."

And stick to it. Don't be tempted to engage otherwise. If he is due contact and the kids are safe then say "as agreed, you can pick up (name) at (time)pm and return them at (time)pm. We can communicate re longer term childcare and co-parenting arrangements via mediators and solicitors as per your request."

Stick.

To.

It.

Original poster
Sxox · 02/04/2020 20:34

Thankyou so much I’m going to send that tomorrow morning and am going to stick to it I’m not going to be forcing him anymore or making myself look daft you don’t no how much I appreciate your help and advice thankyou!!!

❤️

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 02/04/2020 20:49

Good for you! Yep stick to it and take control of your own decisions. You can be formal and efficient with him now, strip the emotion out of it - make your interactions with him necessary and / or functional. If they aren't then they don't need to happen! You'll be proud of yourself doing that because it's putting your children first and refusing to be drawn on anything else Thanks

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