Not sure if I should let my baby's father back in our life's

[Hooternanny]

Okay, I'll try to make a long story short...

I met a man at work and we became friends. Quite quickly afterwards we began a sexual relationship. I was 22 and he was 30. He told me that he was infertile and I believed him, and so we never used condoms other than the first time we slept together. I'm not on BC either and didn't think I needed to be because I trusted him (I know now how horribly naive this was...)

I've also had a history of eating disorders which sometimes led me to skip periods which made me wonder if I myself could be infertile. Combine all this together and we didn't practice safe sex. He told me that he had another FWB that lived in a different country and he and her would meet up and have sex also. I'm ashamed to say that even when he told me this I didn't enforce safe sex. I wouldn't make these decisions now but unfortunately, I did at the time.

After around three months of us sleeping together (never in a relationship by the way - it was always casual), I became pregnant. I told him and he accused me of sleeping with others and said it couldn't be his because he was infertile.

I was so confused by this because I had not slept with any other man. At some point through the pregnancy he came around to the idea of being in the baby's life and said he would be there for me and end things with his FWBs. Then he disappeared again saying he would be an absolutely awful father, never loved me and never wanted to be in a serious relationship with me and would just mess the child up.

When our daughter was born I used something of his to send off for a DNA test. There it was. He was the father. He couldn't refute it. I sent him the paperwork and he ignored me. Then I went to his house with my daughter. He absolutely fell in love with her after I saw her, like I can't explain it. He said that I became a mum when I fell pregnant but for him it happened when he saw his daughter for real.

Now he wants to be with us, wants us to live together.

I am so traumatised and scarred from the way he treated me, the lying about being infertile, the flipflopping in and out of my life and I am terrified he will do this again, but yet he has been adamant for the past few months that he wants to be with me and be a family.

My parents tell me to tread cautiously. I really want my daughter to have her dad, but am terrified that he will let us down again.

I know I've been naive but going forward I just want to do the best for my daughter. Any advice?

He sounds like a piece of work OP. Do not let him live with you, in fact don’t even be with a “man” like that. He can pursue a relationship with his child still, regular visits and maintenance: building up your trust in him being a dad.

You can not stop him being in her life.
But you need to seriously give your head a wobble. Stop being so stupid and do not get in a relationship with this man.
Stand on your own two feet. Don't get into a relationship until you've sorted your own issues out and just both of you focus on the baby who didn't ask to hang apart of this mess.

Listen to your parents.
He is a player - plain and simple.
He hasn't changed that part of him just because he has seen his daughter.
He wants this fantasy but you should NOT.
Please want better for yourself and your DD.
He's a massive liar and a cheat.
Don't allow yourself to be taken in by him.
You state clearly I know now how horribly naive Do not be niaive again OP.
Allow him limited access.
Never allow him to stomp over you again.
fool me once and all that!!
YOUR PARENTS ARE RIGHT!!!

Oh gosh what is wrong with me? :(

He is being so loving, telling me all the things I wanted to hear when I was first pregnant. Saying we can be a family and he will take care of us. I really am being naive aren't I?

Do not live together. He needs to pay child maintenance and have supervised contact and years later, like 2 or 3 if he proved his worth and his family and home life is safe he can have her overnight.

There is nothing for you two as a couple he needs to step up and be a dad its not about you two its about her.

You are sooo naive you need to stay away from dating and relationships.

1. He told me that he was infertile and I believed him – HE LIED – massively lied. Which resulted in pregnancy and a baby – that is one fucking huge lie OP!
2. because I trusted him (I know now how horribly naive this was...) – Trust your gut on this one OP. Do NOT trust this guy.
3. He told me that he had another FWB that lived in a different country and he and her would meet up and have sex also – I’ll give him credit here for being honest, but you should have run a fucking a mile at this point.
4. I wouldn't make these decisions now but unfortunately, I did at the time – Don’t make the same decisions now. Trust yourself!
5. he accused me of sleeping with others and said it couldn't be his because he was infertile – What a fucking cunt OP. Can you not see how fucking awful that is!????
6. Then he disappeared again saying he would be an absolutely awful father – Listen to him. This is who he is. This is who he will be.
7. never loved me and never wanted to be in a serious relationship with me – Again, he made it plain. This is him.
8. I sent him the paperwork and he ignored me – What a peach eh? Great catch…!!!????
9. I am so traumatised and scarred from the way he treated me – Not surprisingly. Do not be hoovered back in now OP.
10. I am terrified he will do this again – He will!!!
11. but am terrified that he will let us down again – He will!!!

Arrange visitation. (preferably with someone else there)

Arrange maintenance.

Leave it at that.

If he's difficult get legal advice and put in formal arrangementes.

Look at your daughter. Would you want this for her?

There is no relationship to restar here, sadly. Just a period of time of someone treating you badly and displaying their weak character and lack of decency and morals.

If he wants to do right by you now he can! He can pay appropriate maintenance and gradually get to know your shared child. Focus on that.

I bet there will be a lovely man in your life again at some point if that's a priority - just not this man.

restar = restart

crikey, you really are naive!!

your parents should be telling you to run not tread carefully.

Contact cms for maintenance, arrange supervised contact, that’s all. He is not to be trusted.

The baby may be a new shiny toy or he's falling in love with her, but that's her, not you.

A few months of being a decent bloke does not wipe out his shitty behaviour.

He's already shown he leaps impulsively into new things (your 'relationship') and is willing to lie and manipulate to get what he wants. (The whole lying about infertility and then accusing ypu of sleeping with someone is beyond the pale!! His immediate wants were more important than your sexual health - doesn't that show how little he cared for you? And now he expects to snap his fingers and it'll all be forgotten and forgiven?)

Then when everything isn't new and exciting, when things get difficult he fucks off with no regard for who he hurts. Now he's leaping into the new shiny idea of being a family. He wants to leap into you all living together. No suggestion that he takes time to prove to you that he's here to stay. No dating and starting the relationship slowly. Just one big instant family. And what's going to happen when he gets bored again, when sleepless nights make things difficult. When new baby screams when teething? When you're too tired and touched out for sex? Do you really trust him not to fuck off again? I won't!

If this is what he truely wants LONG TERM, then he needs to prove it. That means SLOWLY. With no pushing to move in, taking it at the pace you dictate. It means living separately (!), with him doing the leg work and stepping up financially and emotionally. Tell him you need to do that for at least 6 months and will then re-evaluate. But no moving in for at least a year. And he will agree to official financial contributions. He shoes he is capable of caring for your dc without you being there - that he changes nappies and does his share. It means actions, not promises.

Nope. 100% nope.

He's future faking. Words are empty, and none of his have been true or good to date.

He wants to be involved? He can provide for his child and show you over a period of time he can be trusted with that.

Anything else? Hell to the no.

You don't need to be in a relationship with this man for him to be a good father.

The bad decisions you say you wouldn't make now came out of low self-esteem, it seems to me, and that is still there, making you think you deserve no better than this guy. You really need to address this with counselling or therapy, not a shitty relationship with someone who has treated you so poorly.

When I was about 18, my father shared with me the following pearl of wisdom: 'Never trust what a man tells you about his sex life'. Not exactly what you want to hear from your dad. But actually every time I have had the opportunity to test that piece of advice directly or on behalf of friends (and there have been dozens of such occasions), that advice has proven to be accurate.

I don't know what impulse causes men to lie about their sex life - I think it may stem from some kind of default assumption that men are 'naughtier' when it comes to sex than women (which is of course not true) and that the woman will be disapproving of and/or jealous about the man's history and will therefore decline to sleep with him. It's probably more relevant in your teens and twenties when people have varying degrees of history. In my and my friends' experience, it's generally been quite innocuous (for example, one boyfriend told me he had only had 1 partner before me when in fact it transpired he'd had 3; i'd had 5...), so I'm not suggesting that these men have deeply sinister sexual secrets to hide. However, it did mean that I have always insisted on condoms (coming of age in the mid-80s probably also had something to do with that, of course) and would walk away from a sexual encounter rather than compromise on using a condom. My DH was the first man I had condomless sex with - and that was only after we had settled down into our long-term committed relationship.

No doubt there are exceptions to that rule and it becomes less relevant once you hit 30s, 40s and older because people are presumed to have a fair degree of sexual history by then. But it's proved a useful thing to bear in mind.

You prove things with your actions not your words.

Firstly he need to pay child support.

He can have supervised visitation with your baby, on your terms.

You do not need to be in a romantic relationship with him ever. If you haven't already been tested for STIs you need to. He was having unprotected sex with you, the other FWB and who knows who else.

Also I hate to say this, but he sounds like a player and one who is whispering sweet words into your ear so you have sex with him again.

How old is your daughter?

I agree with the others, do not let him back into your life romantically and keep your guard up.
You should be aiming for amicable co-parenting, a relationship with someone that fair-weathered is never going to work anyway.

Act very cautiously, don't buy his soppy love stories and let him prove that he can be a good dad.
The rest of it? I'd leave well alone, you'd be playing with fire.

He's full of shit.

He can be a good Dad without being with you and the fact that he's talking about being with both of you is a massive red flag. He wants to live with you because your self esteem is so low he thinks that you will be desperate to have lots of sex with him.

If I were you, I'd write down exactly what you felt like when he accused you of sleeping around when you hadn't. Write down all of the nasty things he said to you. Read this when you're wavering. Society tries to push parents to be together for the sake of the child but the child can be happy with 2 separated parents as long as they both prioritize her. Your parents should be telling you to run from reconciliation and tread carefully with regards to child contact once lockdown is over.

Hell no!

As this poster already said;

Do not live together. He needs to pay child maintenance and have supervised contact and years later, like 2 or 3 if he proved his worth and his family and home life is safe he can have her overnight.

Wouldn't trust him an inch.

What exactly has his explanation been for saying he was infertile and letting you use no contraception???!!! It's not exactly something you know without extensive medical investigation. In fact you'd be likely have no reason to know that unless you'd tried to get someone pregnant for quite some time and gone for fertility investigation.

He sounds like a weird, immature, irresponsible, slightly crazy liar.

why would you let this Shady Git move into your Home ?! He is not good for you or your Child OP.. no way.. these posters are 100% correct..

Don't listen to his lies FFS

Nope.
Keep your distance and hopefully he'll get bored and go away again.

It’s so tempting to do this, to heal the hurt that he caused you. But life doesn’t work like that. The hurt will be healed with time and with you focusing on making yours and your child’s life great.