Am I being unreasonable about childrens finances

[QuentinWinters]

ExH and I split 2 years ago. During divorce process it became apparent he had spent thousands from our joint savings without telling me (accounts setup in his namefor convenience I thought) - I also think he had loans I was unaware of but can't prove it.

We have an agreement for 50% care of children and arrangements including (I thought) children's savings.

Yesterday he asked me for childrens passports, it took me a while to get out of him why, but he says it's so he can set up savings accounts for them that his parents can pay into.

Given his track record I'm not happy about this, his parents don't know about his previous spending because I haven't discussed the circumstances around our split with his family (he spent it on online sex workers and porn). I don't know what to do. Don't know if I should tell them, his mother is in very poor health and I don't want to cause unnecessary upset. But i don't trust him at all not to exploit their goodwill.

He says it's none of my business, and maybe it isn't. How do others arrange children's savings? What would you do?

My children's accounts are with Halifax, DH and I both have to authorise withdrawls. Not for any trust reasons, that is how the accounts were set up.

Couldn't you set up the accounts and pass the details over? Surely that would be better than handing over the passports.

It’s a bit unclear, why shouldn’t his parents be setting up a savings account for them?

We already have accounts for them, at the moment I'm the trustee of those so he can't withdraw money (but can make deposits). I thought he could use those but he says he wants private arrangements.

I'm really uneasy about giving over passports because he was cagey about the whole thing

Forgot to add - my parents used to pay into DS's building society account and held the pass book. But couldn't make any withdrawals until DS turned 9, when he could sign with agreement from both DH and I if we filled in another form to pass control of the account to him. Otherwise it couldn't be touched until he reached 18.

It’s a bit unclear, why shouldn’t his parents be setting up a savings account for them?
Quite. I would be much happier if they did that. I don't know why he is setting the accounts up, except his parents are very stressed because of his mothers health.
I feel very conflicted that they might be putting their money at risk without knowing it.

I wouldn’t trust anyone who is an ex with a history of financial mismanagement.

If his parents want to set up a savings fund for your children, they can do so.

Depending on your relationship you should speak with his parents and ask what you can do to facilitate these accounts. You don’t need to provide reasons for your concerns or cause unnecessary upset.

I can’t remember who said this, possibly MrsTerryPratchett, but when dealing with difficult family individuals or difficult family situations, the advice was to think of them as clients.

It is great advice and puts you in a completely different frame of mind.

This is finance. Time to be cool and factual.

He has parental responsibility. The accounts will be in the children's name with him as the nominated adult but doesn't mean he can withdraw. If they are in his parents name will just create additional effort when they do pass away.
Maybe his parents don't want to pay into an account that you have control over.

Just seems to be a control thing withholding passports for such a simple task.

Thanks for passing that on shag that is great advice. I will think about it in those terms

Thing is woby I have no idea of the kinds of accounts being set up so he could well select one where he can withdraw. I can on their existing accounts - I don't though

If he would discuss my concerns with me that would help but he won't admit anything about his financial behaviour unless forced.

I don’t think you need a passport to open a GC savings account.

I bought premium bonds for our GD online without putting her passport details in. Her Dad had to do some validation checks.

Just seems to be a control thing withholding passports for such a simple task.

I see your point wobytide but once bitten, twice any. OP is trying to ensure there will be no more financial mismanagement, on behalf of her children. It might appear controlling, but it’s prudent.

Ideally, especially as there is a 50/50 care agreement in place, OP and her Ex should both be on all accounts set up in the children’s names.

That’s not to say Ex can’t start an account on his own with the intention to use it to save for children. No one is preventing that. But in truth it’s all his money and he can do what he likes with it.

When setting up for children, when they’re named on the account, it’s best to have all relevant parties do it together so there’s no confusion as to who can withdraw what, when, and how.

This might all be above board but OP should proceed with caution. She’s more concerned about her ex in-laws than her children at this point, I believe.

Basically, he might be setting this up as a way to extract money from his parents for his own spending. Also, he might not, but this is the concern.

I do recommend speaking with the in-laws and him, preferably on the same call, and establishing an account where it’s 100% clear at the bank.

My ex was investigated for fraud after using dc's accounts to hide large amounts of cash..

Thanks shag that's exactly it. I think I will contact his family, maybe by email and just be factual. Then if they decide to proceed at least they have all the information

I feel very conflicted that they might be putting their money at risk without knowing it
He wants access to the money put in their accounts!

That would go for any possible inheritance they receive too - PIL need to be aware of his financial shady dealings as they could be entrusting their finances to him.