Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moving in together..

21 replies

GK14 · 02/04/2020 10:59

Name changed for this..
This may be outing but at this point in time I feel I have nothing to lose, the below has become stressful and I feel so fed up.

Without going into a long winded post..
Me and dp live an hour apart, we've been together 3 years & discussed living together and despite its arguments and problems I still want it to happen.

Question is I'll need to give up my house and job to be able to do it.

Have any of you done this and started again? Has it worked.. Problems arisen?
Just interested as can't see light at the end of the tunnel at the moment (I mean obviously everythings on hold in general but?)

Thanks

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 02/04/2020 11:03

I gave up my house to move.
Wish to God I hadn't, I can never get back on the list.
Couldn't move , due to no swap lists on private.
Also your sort of controlled by the house owning person.

Original poster
GK14 · 02/04/2020 11:10

Mummy thanks for your reply.
I private rent so wouldn't be the be all and end all, we have discussed buying so would be an equal share, the problem I have is its me doing all the work, there seems to be no enthusiasm as such?. As much as he says it is, there are no actions.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 02/04/2020 11:13

Leave your house and JOB for a man who isn't too bothered? In the nicest possible way, give your head a wobble, love. Never give up your financial independence for a man, unless he is giving you something very concrete in return.

Are you just feeling a bit lonely in isolation, and think it might be better to be with anyone rather than alone?

hellsbellsmelons · 02/04/2020 11:16

despite its arguments and problems I still want it to happen
WHY?
Do not give up your job or accommodation for a man.
EVER!!!!
If you want this to happen then it needs proper planning and consideration.
You both need to be involved fully and you both need to make compromises. Not just one of you!
Do you have DC?

Original poster
GK14 · 02/04/2020 11:18

Funny.. In short.. No!!
I've lived on my own years and work from home, I have no problem with my own company.
It's been a drawn out process for reasons and this is the only option.. I'm happy to do it, I just feel he wants me to do all the work. He's keen, and I know wouldn't do anything he didn't want to, yet youre right in ways though, he needs to put something concrete down I guess.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2020 11:19

Why you would make such a massive mistake for a man who doesn't even give a shit is beyond me.

Original poster
GK14 · 02/04/2020 11:21

Hells bells, we'd both be giving up houses.. I can move my job, he can but doesn't want to (I respect why) this is our only option and I'm wondering for how many it was a good move or not and why? It's more the logistics of all our stuff.. Minor in the grand scheme but its all a factor

OP posts:
Original poster
GK14 · 02/04/2020 11:21

Aqua I don't recall saying 'he doesn't give a shit' I mean he's just not pro active like me..

OP posts:
Original poster
GK14 · 02/04/2020 11:23

Most people give up stuff to be able to live together, this is no different other than it being a big jump due to distance. We've been together long enough for me to now wether it's something I want.. I just feel he's going with whatever I say to keep me quiet maybe?!

OP posts:
MontysOarlock · 02/04/2020 11:25

How old are you both? Do you want to be married at some point, does he? If you work from home why do you have to give up your job? Have you discussed finances and how you will split expenses?

I have given up my job and living with my parents (post uni) to be with Dh but that was on the understanding that an engagement would follow shortly after and a wedding a couple of years after that. Which happened.

But we chose a rental together, he was starting a graduate job 3 hours away from where I lived so before he even applied for jobs I was part of the discussion.

I couldn't move for a lacklustre partner.

Honeyroar · 02/04/2020 11:31

There shouldn’t be arguments and problems or lack of enthusiasm at this point. It should be all romantic and both of you really looking forward to it.

You also sound a bit like you’re back pedalling and making excuses for him in your later posts.

However if you rent your house and your job is moveable then you don’t have anything to lose. But I wouldn’t buy a house together for a year or two.

Original poster
GK14 · 02/04/2020 11:34

Monty thanks.
Were in our 40's. No kids.
My job will poss out me but I can juggle it. We've discussed finances and all OK. He doesn't want to get married, not a problem for me, been there got the T shirt!!
Were a great couple, I love him to bits.. Everythings great.. But this is my future and I'm starting to wonder wether it's ever going to happen. We're currently not speaking due to a stupid part of the convo and I'm???

OP posts:
cakeandchampagne · 02/04/2020 11:43

“....I just feel he wants me to do all the work.”
And you have to give up your house and your job.
How can all this be in your best interests?

Original poster
GK14 · 02/04/2020 11:48

Honey I didn't mean it to look like I was back pedaling, he's a great guy..other than this issue I can't fault him.. This is a big issue though as I see him as my future
Cake you're right, he needs to start acting.. I will be saying that and leaving the ball in his court

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/04/2020 11:52

Can't fault him? This is a pretty big fault...

MikeUniformMike · 02/04/2020 12:58

Question is I'll need to give up my house and job to be able to do it.

No. you'll end up with no boyfriend, no home, no job and no support network.

Original poster
GK14 · 02/04/2020 16:14

Agreed.
For those of you who have done this.. How did it all fall into place? Is the rule that you shouldn't date someone away from you maybe?

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 02/04/2020 16:33

He’s all talk. Been there and got the ‘but you pushed me into it t-shirt’ when it went tits up. Too lazy to take the initiative and too cowardly to say it isn’t what he wants.

Never prioritise someone who sees you as an option.

Fidgety31 · 02/04/2020 16:56

I moved 3 hrs away to be nearer my boyfriend .
I didn’t move in with him though as I have kids .
I have my Own place and he has his .
I found a job before I moved .
Things have got worse and worse between us since I moved closer .
When we only saw each tiger at the weekends he was always at his best
Now I see the real him - and it’s not the best anymore .

For you - maybe rent somewhere together first before buying .

Original poster
GK14 · 02/04/2020 21:30

Thanks for the replies. We've been together 3 years, numerous holidays, events etc, spent long periods of time together and I'm 99% sure it's the right thing..I don't have any niggles, I just don't see how it happens and will not be going any further if he doesn't pull his head out of his arse and put some effort in.. I guess this quarantine will show a different side to people hey😔

OP posts:
Original poster
GK14 · 20/04/2020 00:32

So update.. I called him last night after a couple more minor niggles from me.. I decided I was sick of the minor niggles and feeling like this and told him we needed to finish. He did try and put effort in, said he loved me, but I said if I hadn't called him and become drastic things wouldn't have changed.
I feel absolutely awful, there is no dispute we love each other and work very well but this is my future and I needed him to feel the same to the point of doing something..anything
I feel like I've just lost a best friend and had no choice ina way😢

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page