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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Question for non-cohabiting couples during lockdown

21 replies

PilatesPeach · 02/04/2020 10:24

Just wondering if instead of missing your DP, you are in fact, not missing them at all and thinking that this would suggest that the relationship needs to be binned?

I am not missing OH - just feel relieved to be honest - miss working and being able to go out and about and get to the gym and go out multiple times with my dog but don't miss him and listening to his crap or insults or being interrupted and talked over. Appreciate that I could well have done something about this before the current situation but could not find the strength whereas a gradual withering seems to be suiting me.

OP posts:
GK14 · 02/04/2020 10:38

Interesting you post this as was thinking about this when we first got locked down.
I do really miss my OH, however we've had an argument and we're currently not messaging.. Not great, feel odd about it due to the situation.. But no I wish I was with him
What is it that you don't miss other than doing your own thing?

OhioOhioOhio · 02/04/2020 10:40

Interesting. I used to feel like that about my now xh. How happy he was when he was away.

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 02/04/2020 10:54

He suggested I move in with him during the lockdown but he is still wfh so essentially I'd be by myself at his house during the day, my house insurance is invalid house left empty for more than 28 days, I have tons of stuff to do at my house which I don't usually get time to do and he dislikes my dog. When I said no he went ballistic. It would feel like being imprisoned to me (think that says it all really)

I speak to him on the phone daily, he still interrupts me and changes the subject. He jokes about me "failing to report in" the same way as many people make a joke when in fact they are totally serious to try and make their point in a softer way.

OP posts:
ShellsAndSunrises · 02/04/2020 11:00

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

dazzlinghaze · 02/04/2020 11:01

I used to feel this about my ex, I was always relieved if he was away and disappointed when he came back. I left him 2 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did and I'm just angry with myself that I didn't do it sooner.

dazzlinghaze · 02/04/2020 11:02

Just saw your update, you don't sound happy at all, OP. Life's too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy.

Chocolate123 · 02/04/2020 11:05

How long have you been with this man? It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and maybe use this time to make a decision to end it. Life is too short to be living like this. I'm apart from my DP and missing him like crazy.

AnneKipanki · 02/04/2020 11:06

It does not seem great @PilatesPeach z

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 02/04/2020 11:10

yes you are all right - I know that - I knew it already but I have form for staying too long in previous relationships seems to have been a thing I've done all my life.

No, he is abusive if I'm honest. I need to get my act together. Feel for those who are trapped in abusive live in relationships. At least I have my own house and career. No excuse. Feel bad now even posting as I know there are thousands worse off and who really are trapped. Flowers to all of them

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/04/2020 11:17

No reason to feel bad posting. Just putting a thought into words can clarify it, especially if you then see the reaction of a number of other people.

I think that it's a common trait of partners of abusive people, feeling apologetic about any space you take up in the world! Something worth being aware of - then you can reason to yourself that you are as important as everybody else around you.

Now go break it off with your STBX - you're worth more!

Chocolate123 · 02/04/2020 11:27

@PilatesPeach don't feel sorry for posting this is the clarity you needed. Use this time to grow and move forward Thanks

OhioOhioOhio · 02/04/2020 11:41

Don't feel bad asking for help to figure it out. Just get rid of him.

GammaRays · 02/04/2020 13:29

I had a very different situation to you but the "failing to report in" bit really struck me as my ex would joke in the same way. Then he got physically abusive. Please bin him Thanks

PinkMonkeyBird · 02/04/2020 13:42

@PilatesPeach your OH sounds awful. I'd take this opportunity to 'report in' to him and tell him it is well and truly over.

Original poster
PilatesPeach · 02/04/2020 13:57

Thank you everyone really appreciate the support and also being able to have a sanity check. He did physically close my mouth one time and also throw water on my previous dog who was poorly with kidney failure as the dog's drinking was getting on his nerves. I feel pathetic for even staying as long as I have. I don't know why he actually wants to speak to me as he seems to find what I talk about boring. I have retrained in my career in the last few years and having been doing well and if I say anything to him about any feedback or positive comments, he rolls his eyes and says "here we go again" and so I keep my successes to myself now. Feeling embarrassed at typing this but again, I think I needed a sanity check.
My thanks again.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 02/04/2020 14:56

Good for you .
Bin .

pinktophat · 03/04/2020 07:47

It sounds like lockdown has been a really valuable opportunity for you to reassess things. Be brave and proactive and follow through on what you've found out. You are happier without him.
I'm not in the same situation but your post resonates as I'm feeling so grateful I'm not locked down with my ex boyfriend. It's so good just being me with my kids.
Act on it and feel positive about it. It's so good you've had this reflection time and now know your mind.

RidingOn · 03/04/2020 09:10

I agree with the other posters, and you, yourself - it does seem as if you need a break from this man.

The only thing is, I wouldn't do it straightaway, for three reasons. Firstly, make sure it's what you really want (it does sound like it!). Then, a bit paranoid this one - if he's abusive, he might come round, and you would have fewer options for getting away from him. Thirdly, it's kinder to him, because if you leave it a while, he will get used to living without you and it might not feel so bad for him to continue.

Good luck, whatever you do!

DianaT1969 · 03/04/2020 09:40

Agree, do it now. He'll be on Tinder before you put the phone down.

Mostlyhappy4 · 03/04/2020 10:01

I strongly disagree with @RidingOn - I think now is the perfect time to end things. Obviously, though, keep yourself safe and if he does come round, don't let him in. You don't need an excuse but the lockdown is a perfect reason not to let him in ' to talk', i.e. manipulate you into changing your mind. Well done for coffee Ming to the realisation that you'd be better off without him...he sounds deeply unpleasant and disrespectful towards you. You will be great - enjoy getting on with all your jobs 😀

Mostlyhappy4 · 03/04/2020 10:02

*coming

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