Problems in marriage and isolation

[loveyourself2020]

I have been with my husband for 25 years but most of them I was not very happy. He is not a bad guy, but he has difficult personality and I am very sensitive person, so we have not been getting along well. Anyway, I made it a New Years resolution this year to deal with my marriage (make it or break it) and to take care of myself in general. I started to go for counseling, I am taking yoga classes, going out with my friends and stuff. I though I was getting progress with counseling and getting closer to deciding what to do with my marriage when Covid-19 happened and brought everything to a full stop for me. So now, no counseling, no yoga, both my husband and I work from home, so stuck at home with him 24/7. Most days I feel like I am going to explode. I am trying to pretend that all is well, keep my emotions in control and such, but is hard. We have not been intimate since before New Years Eve and I do not feel like it at all, so this whole situation raises the tension between us. To make it all worse our three children live with us (two of them are young adults) and I do not want them to know that we are in crises…
Bottom line is… I have no idea how I will survive this, but I know that I have to somehow.

How much progress did you make in counselling with regards to finally making a decision for you?. And why have you really stayed prior to now; has it mainly been because of your fear of him, fear of being alone, the kids, financials etc?. You both work from home; is that a joint business?. It may well be a combination of all these and more besides.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like this?. How is it you married this difficult personality (is that another way of calling him abusive?) man at all?.

I would think that your children already know on some level that things between you and their dad are not good at all and have not been for some considerable time. They all too clearly see the antipathy between you two; they pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here. Would you want this type of unhappy relationship for them going forward, you would probably answer no. Its not good enough for you either.

AttilaTheMeerkat I really wanted us to do marriage counselling but when I finally told my husband this is it, I want to get counselling, he told me he would not do it. He told me he was not comfortable talking to strangers about his personal life. I then started taking counselling alone and this helped me clarify some things. It helped me see things better.

Anyway, as a young man he was different. He was an amazing father, loving and caring and he was much more loving to me too. However, certain things were always the same. He loved taking care of me, I think. He loved thinking that I was this gentle thing that needed to be taken care of, but I was not. I was always very strong and independent women and it bothered me that he was making all the decisions and keeping me in dark in many things. When I finally raised my voice and said “enough” things started going downhill. He thinks he is smarter than me, he knows everything better. He will bully me and patronize me. He will never let me have anything my way. When I question something, he gets defensive.

As for my parents, they were different in many ways, but one thing is certain, my father WAS abusive. He was abusive to my mom physically and verbally. That is why I have tendency to avoid conflict and why I let many things slide in my marriage. My husband is not physically or verbally abusive, but I feel that he is abusing me emotionally and psychologically. Yes.
My husband and I do not work from home usually, it is just now because of covid-19 that we are stuck at home. And yes, you are right, I am sure my kids know that something has been up for a very long time, they are not stupid, but I am afraid to leave him. Why? Fear of unknown, I guess. Habit? Idk.

It is sadly of no real surprise to read that your parents marriage was abusive as well. Did your mother leave him?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?. A shedload of damaging lessons that is what and those remain with you to this day. Your own recovery from his abuses of you now will only properly start once you have completely exited the marriage.

Emotional and psychological abuse are in themselves also very damaging and I hope you find it within yourself to divorce your H when you are able. It is always worth contacting the likes of Womens Aid if you can; they are still working during this lockdown period.

Such a man was NEVER going to enter into marriage counselling; he feels utterly entitled to act as he does and likely feels too he has done nothing wrong here. By refusing marriage counselling as well he did you a huge service; you need to be able to talk freely in such sessions and he would never have given you that opportunity. What he likely would have done too is try to get the counsellor on his side.

What I think he would have done if he did agree to counseling is NOTHING. I am sure that he would just sit there sulking and saying things like: “If my wife says so, I guess she is always right?” Yes. It is for the best that he did not start counselling with me, I do not think it would help. I just thought that we should give our marriage another try. The problem is his personality and that will never change. I am not blaming him for anything. In fact, I mostly blame myself for allowing him to take over my life, for not fighting back. I am sure that another kind of woman would be able to deal with him, but not me. I trusted him. I thought we loved each other so I can put my life in his hands, and it would be safe.

No, my mom never left my dad. Actually that is not true. She did. She died before him and he kept saying:" why did she leave me?"