Married 14 yrs together for 20 - my husband does not communicate with me and is unavailable emotionally – What should I do?

[MaryAnonymous202]

My husband does not want to talk about anything related to any issues we have in our marriage. When I ask direct questions about anything that is bothering me in the relationship, he gets very frustrated and does not want to talk. He blames me for bringing it up and says I am aggressive and does not listen to him, totally deflecting my complaint in the first place.Thus we have no open communication and he has lack of interest to have meaningful conversations to resolve our marital issues.
He keeps his feelings to himself when things are bothering him and he doesn’t share his feelings most of the time even after all these years I have been with him. Sometimes he lies about his feelings just to get me away from talking to him. For example, he will say he is fine even though he is not just so that we can stop talking about things – feelings, issues. This is very unfair to me because I need a partner who is in it together with me and will work things out with me in our shared relationship. All communication and resolving issues are all on my shoulders all the time.

My husband also is unable to support me when I’m unhappy about any issues in our marriage. When I’m upset or sad about something, he ignores me and does not check on me for days. I have told him that this hurts me a lot and that I expect him sometimes to ask me what is wrong with me when I feel down or unhappy instead of me coming to him all the time. Unfortunately, he continues to ignore me when I am unhappy even though he promised me he would never let me go to bed upset or sad time after time. His excuse for not communicating he says he does not want to argue with me or get into fights. But he has been saying this over 10yrs.

I admit now I have resentment towards him and I believe he is unmailable emotionally. I would never watch him be sad or down. I always talk to him and ask him what is bothering him. Whether its about us or not it doesn’t matter to me, I am always there for him to talk to him and help him to feel better. I expect the same from him but I do not get his caring support. One time I was going to counseling by myself for our marital issues for couple of weeks and he never once asked me how I was doing with counseling or about my feelings at that time. He ignored me and never acknowledged my presence in counseling.

He also has lied to me many many times. He opened businesses without my knowledge and invested our money without my permission throughout the years. Every time I confronted him, he promised to never do it again. However he kept repeating the same big mistakes. He deceives me and hides his personal business from me at times. He is not open as he says he is.
I am fed up now. I tried to be patient with him hoping he will change. However, he is still the same more or less. He is still not open and does not communicate with me when things are not going well.

Please advice? Do you see any hope for my relationship. Thank you!

Advice? Leave him. I cannot see any hope, given what you have said. He resents you, dismisses your feelings, and deceives you. Why would you want to stay?

I am frustrated with the lack of communication. Lack of care for my feelings and lack of openness, He is a great dad on the other hand and helps to take care of the kids around the home and thing else they need, Am torned

The emotional unavailability might be something worth working on from both sides if he were willing to do so. However, the lying is a huge red flag. Does he even respect you?

Your marriage is like death from a thousand cuts. You will never get what you need from him and he will never, ever change. Set yourself free from this hell and leave him.

At what point in your relationship did he change and what was he like before?

I'm seeing things from your husband's perspective, and I'm feeling a bit of sympathy with him. He's expected to talk about his issues even when he's not comfortable and not ready. He's expected to read your emotions, know the right time to approach you and hope you respond positively. These may sound like much but if given his personality to him it might sound like navigating a minefield.

Honestly, I'd cut your losses and move on. I'm in a very similar position but now separating and it's taken a lot for me to get to that stage. Each thing he does will hurt you that little bit more until you feel a bit dead inside.
Protect yourself x

I spent years trying to get close to my emotionally unavailable exH. Absolute waste of time and money (on counselling) when I decided to get counselling for myself I was verbally abused and mocked. Very happily single now. I think men like that are either genuinely unaware or, more likely, love the attention from you trying to understand them. They don’t grasp that a proper adult relationship is mutually supportive, they like to hold all the cards(control) and give scraps of attention to keep you hanging on. Just don’t bother.

I feel my needs and wants and requests are disrespected when he lies to me. I feel betrayed when he goes and does what we agreed not to do. As far as direct disrespect, he does not like name calling or things of that sort.

Thank you all for taking the time to help me talk through things. I appreciate it whole lot because you are my only outside perspective to assist me with my problems. I have been trying to help him understand that this lack of communication and dishonesty is killing us, but he has not been listening closely. Now he is wondering why am I so upset and hurt and want to quite sometimes.

To answer your question, he was always not an open person. He usually does not share his feelings for most days. Never been one to start communication on issues. When we get into arguments, he usually does not want to talk things through. He likes to apologize for his wrongs and move on quickly. If I come back to him because I feel things were not resolve on a specific issue, he gets upset because he feels I am rehashing things that were discussed. However, sometimes I feel like I need answers to move on not just an apology even though apology is nice.

The deception and lying is clearly wrong, however it’s interesting he says you’re aggressive and you talk about him needing your permission.

That’s interesting too, “he apologises for his wrongs” so are you always right.

Maybe you’re not perfect either, and perhaps endlessly rehashing an argument is n’t helpful. Why not just move on ?

It sounds to me like you expect everything your way.

I understand how you have ended up here, because a reserved person is very different from someone that does not care how you feel. The two are very different.

You must feel intensely lonely most of the time, because none of your needs emotionally or otherwise are being met. You would be better off on your own. I would be very careful to get the finances in place first, particularly if he is a dishonest person, and I would look at setting myself free.

This kind of behaviour eats away the soul, it will undermine your own self respect and validation in the end. Your marriage is dead in the water, and although my general view is to save relationships and work on them, in your case I am not sure he is even capable of being a proper husband or even a friend.

I would cut my losses and look for a better life elsewhere. An empty shell of a marriage can never make you happy, and you stand every chance of finding someone or something more fulfilling elsewhere.

You don’t have to stay with him
You can leave for any reason you want

"He opened businesses without my knowledge and invested our money without my permission throughout the years. "

That's pretty bad actually. I'm feeling less sympathetic for him now.

I can't say thank you enough. I appreciate all your time and support. Im glad I spoke to you all. Its good to know other perspectives. I have not spoken to my husband for 3 days and I hope things will be better for me. Its very difficult. He is the only guy I ever been with and I gave him all I got and I get very angry when I see he is messing it up carelessly. Thank you again!

Mary

Read this:
www.alturtle.com/archives/96
What to do when he/she won’t talk to you.

Also this:
www.alturtle.com/archives/801

Thank you all and thank you Orangers. I read some of the articles and they are very helpful. I also think it could help my partner. Should I send them to him? We have not spoke for 5 days, in 2 different continents now and I am with the kids. I have not put in any effort to talk to him and he didn't also. Should I try to help him even though he makes me feel very lonely in this relationship and abandoned. And the whole problem I have is doing everything alone. Pls advice

Do you have the impression you are pursuing him? (To me it sounds like that is your dynamic, It is very common.)
As hard as it is to be alone, you need to work on yourself and play it cool.
This may help:
www.alturtle.com/archives/1326

Go through the whole website it is a huge wealth of info.

This process takes time but you can only come out of it a better person; in this relationship or a next one.

Honestly?
He isn't going to change.
I'd leave and create a happier life.
It's what I'm trying to do as my ex was emotionally unavailable, unsupportive and rather immature.
Hes not someone who had my back. I felt more like his mum than his wife

Good luck

Yes I do feel like I am always trying to make our relationship better while he continues to do damaging things to ruin it. And I get upset for not working with me, he just says I will change and the change never comes or sticks. So yeah I am thinking a lot about how I can move on as this is not a good relationship for me. Its raw right now and I am very sad and upset all the time. Its super hard but I will do my best to be in a better place. Thank you for your advice

Thank you, I will read the helpful info. I appreciate your help because right this moment I need to work on myself and stop being so sad and depressed.