How to cope trapped with my controlling mum.

[Fightingback16]

Right I fled my abusive husband of 11 years and moved in with my mum............several nervous breakdowns later due to my bastard husband I’m in this f***g house. Unbeknown to me, only surfaced due to working through abuse that my mum had created this pleaser in me because she treated me like crap when I was growing up.

Leaving right now is not an option, Im busy trying to get my bastard H out of the family home that he threatened to kill me in.

I’ve bigger issues tho, how can I deal with my mum. She criticises me all day long, I don’t want her constant opinions on what I’m doing , just her support. I can’t relax with my daughter, she makes comments about what we are doing. I’ve asked her to stop, I’ve explained it makes me feel rubbish. All I hear is well it’s my house. Well yeah I understand that!

Coping strategies please, how can I get through this alive. I thought my husband was bad but this is another thing altogether!!!!!

Wine.......lots of it and earphones

I’ll take the abusive ex any day over this. I’ve not drank in 10 years due to that bastard, meaning I had to remain in constant control of myself, but I’ve stood in front of the booze isle twice this last 2 weeks. Give me f***g strength!

Just try and take a breath and remind yourself that this is temporary. Focus on getting your Ex out , so you and your Dd can go home.
Try not to rise to her baiting of you.
Easier said than done , I know ! to you.

So should I just not speak at all to her. She is loving watching me fail. I don’t know what her problem is. What is wrong with people! I’m going to explode at her, which I don’t want to because then I’ve lost!

If you have to stay, I would try the Grey Rock technique, answers that don’t give much information, don’t react to her comments. info on Grey rock

I know the grey rock technique only too well from my husband. It’s so depressing to realise this is the relationship I have with my mum. It’s my mission to make sure I don’t have this with my daughter.

If you can’t leave then you need boundaries and coping strategies that work for you mainly so that YOU are not emotionally drained, tense and preoccupied - because the more you let your “D”M get to you - the less you have for your DC.

You cannot be in two emotional places at once - don’t let your “D”M sabotage your motherhood like she did your childhood.

Don’t let her behaviours pollute your own DC childhood. Even if it isn’t the same overt methods - she could do this indirectly by how she undermines you emotionally. Your DC will sense, absorb and internalise your stress in their own body and this will impact them.

So get your boundaries in place, get emotionally protected so that you ensure full 100% positive attuned engagement with your DC - they need this as they are already short changed emotionally by their abusive DF and family breakdown.

If you can manage your “D”M and switch off and keep yourself emotionally balanced so that you are steady for your DC - then you will be doing a brilliant job.

V tough for you - do you have a plan post lockdown?

She is getting to me and it’s making me snappy with my daughter and I don’t want to be. I know little dd can sense it. She is not quite 4 yet but she sticks up for me and I’ve been telling her not to speak to nanny like that, but she is right, nanny needs to “shut up”. This bloody sense of duty is always following me around. First H now my mum, how many chains do I need to break free of.

I feel stupid for arguing with her earlier and stupid for having this original conversation with her that led to it. Just a normal casual subject that she twisted onto me doing some thing wrong. I shouldn’t have shouted at my mum in front of dd, she has heard enough of that.

I’m just going to keep away from her as much as possible and be with my daughter. I’m thinking of buying a tent for the back garden, to have some fun nights in. I didn’t realise I was falling into the trap. She probably likes me fighting back. Just like my H when you bring them up on what they said they completely change the subject and deny. I’m savvy to this now.

I need to get my H out of the family home/force the sale through the courts. He is also a bastard, I’m surrounded!

I really feel I’m letting my daughter down. I’ve not been there for her at all. I’ve been so traumatised from my marriage, I’ve had a couple of breakdowns. I’ve been clinging onto life by my teeth. Now we are here and it’s just a continuation. It’s the original reason of why I found myself with an abuser. The only difference is I can see all these people now and I’ve had enough of them!

Bunch of emotional vampires the whole bloody lot of them. Me and my daughter are like prey to these vultures!

First H now my mum,

No, it was the other way around: first your mum, then your H. Abuse was normal to use, you didn't spot it with your H until too late.

After I left my horrifically abusive ex I went into therapy and the whole sorry story unfolded: I was up to my neck in abuse from my family. No wonder I chose this horror story for a marriage!

Give yourself a break, you're traumatised and it's going to take a while to get over that. Your little girl sounds lovely - let her tell granny to shut up!

I'd get out iiwy. Is there any way? Have you spoken to Womens Aid? (I know, not easy in these times )

It’s not too late, the bastard tried his best but he didn’t break me. I left him, he wasn’t finished with me, he hadn’t discarded me, I left and I ran and I never looked back. My mum did a terrible thing to me and it will be my life to make sure I do not repeat this.

I can’t wait to have my own place. I can feel already the power of just seeing these people for who they are. My life is actually my own. I’ve never seen my mum for who she is before. I want to tell her but it will fall on deaf ears just like it would on my husband. I’m going to get my mum back with love for my life and my daughter. I’ll do it right in her face!

spingydaff is 100% correct. It started with your DM.

BUT

You are so far ahead of the game here. You know what is wrong and what to do for your DC. That’s your power.

I am sorry that you have to live with her for now. But you can “see it” so you have won and you and your DC will be OK.

Is there anyway you and your daughter can isolate from your mother in the house? You could make up an excuse, desperate situations call for desperate means and we are in a pandemic. Tell her you might have come into contact or something.

If you have a decent sized room and bed and a television, it is achievable. Just leave it to go to the bathroom - if you share it with mum, spray stuff around and make it look as though you're disinfecting your presence. Same with kitchen. Go into the garden if you have one, with your daughter but avoid contact with mum on the way in and out.

Good luck. When this is over, find your own place pronto!

Yes sorry I realise it started with my mum but it has taken me breaking free of my husband to see that there where already problems for me.

I don’t think I’ll trust another person again! I’m lucky tho because although he died a couple of years back and I miss him more then words, I had an absolutely amazing dad. We were the same.