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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ExP silly threats

14 replies

Sept90 · 01/04/2020 18:30

I'd like your advice on how you'd react in my situation. Sorry if anything is vague, I'm trying to remain anonymous (name changed too).

Bit of backstory:
I split up with ExP at the end of 2019 after I'd tried to make the relationship work for a year. He is an emotionally abusive, manipulative, gas-lighting narcissist. I've been mature and civil throughout as we share a toddler together.
I now claim Universal Credit and work part time (on furlough - 80%) and he has so far paid two instalments of Child Maintenance. Currently I'm getting by ok financially but of course everything is uncertain especially as the place I work is at risk of shutting down.
He is also on furlough but was already on a good income and minimum outgoings. He told me since the breakup he has saved upwards of £5000.

Now the issue - before Coronavirus started he handed his notice in at his current job, this notice comes to an end this month. He was certainly in the position to retract his notice as CV hit the UK - his employer would do anything to keep him. His current employer has offered him a job at another branch which he is 'thinking about' but ExP has decided to take a 3 month break instead. He said during these 3 months he won't pay any child maintenance. He was also being particularly vile when telling me this, calling me names and gaslighting me. Because of how nasty he was being I said I won't talk to him anymore but will go through his mum who I have a decent relationship with. He said if I do that he will show everyone on Facebook what I'm 'really like' and tell them my 'secrets'. Obviously, I'd really rather not talk about them here but to give you an example one was that I contracted an STI previous to our relationship which I told him about and had treatment for. The secrets aren't the end of the world, but also mortifying if my colleagues and friends found out about them.

So now I'm unsure what to do. Currently, I don't NEED his money but it would help, especially as the future of my job is uncertain. He is choosing unemployment and therefore a way out of paying for our child who he is already a huge disappointment for. I thought about chasing him legally but I'm pretty sure his response would be the same as if I went through his mum. I could call his bluff, I think he is only trying to scare me, but what if he goes through with it?

I just don't want him to continue to get away with his manipulation, it isn't fair.

Would you call his bluff and speak to his mum, or bypass that and go straight to CMS, or just let him off payments for 3 months and not risk it?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 01/04/2020 19:08

The thing is, if you do, he'll always start up with this nonsense when you aren't doing what he wants.

So the ONLY way is to nip it, now.

'Urgh. Have you thought for a moment how you would look to everyone you know on facebook if you did something like that? And wtf - you honestly think that everyone you know doesn't have exactly the same 'secrets' in their lives- personal things that they'd rather their friends not know, but deep down they know aren't really any different from everyone else's so -called 'secrets'? Wow, you really are a lowlife, aren't you. I tell you what - you go right ahead. Post all the personal things I told you, in trust, when we were together. I think you know deep down how every single one of your friends and family will think when they see or read it - embarrassed for you, not me, disgusted by you, and if they're female, they'll be making a mental note to never, ever, get involved with you, and if male, to never, ever trust you with a secret. Yep, go ahead. I'd be embarrassed, sure - but I'd at least get a free advertisement to every single person you know letting them know exactly why I'm no longer with you. Good luck!'

Do it. He won't post a thing, and he'll never, ever hold this over you again.

funnylittlefloozie · 01/04/2020 19:13

You cant give in to blackmail. Go through the CMS for your maintenance, and if he tries to blackmail you, go public in calling him out. He's loathesome.

yummyyummycoffee · 01/04/2020 19:26

Op tell him to go for it and bored off!

Secrets?.... it sounds like a bitter lunatic.

If I saw a post like this I wouldn't believe it and if I did well I have my own secrets lol

copycopypaste · 01/04/2020 19:40

Call his bluff, tell him to tell everyone your secrets. Honestly even if he did, just ignore it, his mates, friends and family will think he's a dickhead for doing it.

Go via cms when he starts working again. Block him and only talk about the dc. Ignore everything else

ToBreatheAgain · 01/04/2020 20:05

The only thing I'd think if I saw someone's ex post that on FB would be what a jerk they were and that you were better off away from such a vile person.

ToBreatheAgain · 01/04/2020 20:07

Hit post to soon. Call his bluff otherwise you'll never be free of him and everytime he wants something he'll blackmail you again.

EKGEMS · 01/04/2020 20:08

Get a lawyer and go after him for every penny he's got

ivykaty44 · 01/04/2020 20:15

I would tell him

Do whatever, if you choose to not contribute to your child’s upbringing That’s your choice

Then don’t get drawn into anything else

Don’t argue back, give explanations

Seal your lips and don’t message

This is the hard part but you have to remember that your silence is more deafening to a manipulative narcissist than a thousand words

Hannah021 · 01/04/2020 20:15

He said if I do that he will show everyone on Facebook what I'm 'really like' and tell them my 'secrets'.

Waw i cant, thats just disgusting and childish... Honestly if someone says to me i had STI or whatever, i'd be like so?? Its not like i'm going to bed with u!!!

Be strong, and if u have something to threaten him with, thats what works with douchebags like that

Sept90 · 01/04/2020 20:18

You're all absolutely right, thank you. I hate to admit that he has scared me. He used to work where I'm currently employed so a lot of my colleagues have him on Facebook. He's done similar things in the past (he wanted to make me look like the bad one to his family so told them a bunch of lies about me) so I do think there is part of him that'll do it.
But if I give in to his blackmail he'll keep doing it.
Maybe it's time for a drink and just tell him to crack on.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 20:21

If he posts stuff about you report to the police - black mail is a crime...

CandyLeBonBon · 01/04/2020 20:29

My ex tried similar. It was awful but he got prosecuted for harassment in the end. Be non committal, record everything

Hannah021 · 01/04/2020 20:30

Take a screenshot of his blackmail
and record a video of it while scrolling through his account to prove it is his account (like other posts, friends, profile) validate it is his account ... One video, short and precise

FizzyGreenWater · 03/04/2020 12:35

Oh yes though - do you have these threats in writing, by text or whatever? If so, save, screenshot - then after you've told him to just crack on, inform him that of course you'll also be reporting his harrassment and blackmail to the police.

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