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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lockdown and DH realisation

7 replies

soannya · 01/04/2020 18:27

Since lockdown and 24/7 with my DH I’ve started to come to the realisation that my self esteem/self confidence issues might be due to the dismissive way my DH talks to me. It’s very subtle and tricky to explain and I’m wondering if I’m being oversensitive or if anybody can put a name on what he’s doing or why? I’d also like any ideas for quick and effective one liners as a come back so that I’m prepared for the next time. Not confrontational. One example happened today. I’m currently having a serious personal problem with my elderly parents in isolation a long way from me. I am frustrated because I can’t get to them and it’s impacting my mood/wellbeing. He asked me what was wrong and I explained the situation. He then hugged me whilst making a comment about me being frustrated and down with it all because it’s my time of the month?!! I shrugged it off at the time. But now I’m thinking about it he does this a lot. Whatever the conversation is, it will end up with a sly (done in a non aggressive way) dig at me and my character?/reactions? often whilst hugging me and on the surface being supportive? Does this resonate with anybody else? I want to start calling him out on it but don’t know how to do that. Any help please

OP posts:
Dawninglory · 01/04/2020 18:48

I'd call it patronising and passive aggressive. He's not very secure in himself to do that.

Aussiebean · 01/04/2020 18:49

Do you have daughters?

Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 18:50

Dh what are you such a twat?
HTH...

Aussiebean · 01/04/2020 18:51

It’s very dismissive of your thoughts and feelings. The automatic assumption that if you have any thoughts (especially negative ones) it is down to hormones and not you as a person.

Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 18:55

Imo a dh should only mention shark week if it's to offer a bar of chocolate...
Tmi but my exh told me he was abusive due to our relationship not being a close one - as I never let him change my tampon.
What the absolute fuck??
Confused
Grim.
Just grim.

Longsight2019 · 01/04/2020 18:58

He’s searching for an easy answer. In a condescending way which for any emotionally intelligent individual is frustrating as you are finding.

Your response should be along the lines of:

No! My hormones are not at play here so don’t be so rude! The facts are this: my vulnerable parents are causing me concern due to the huge impact of this dreadful virus. Anyone can see that. What I need is this: your support, your understanding and your constructive suggestions of how we, together - can support them from afar. ???

scottishlass123 · 01/04/2020 22:31

You rephrase what he said such as "So what your saying is..... the reason I am frustrated about my elderly parents' isolation due to coronovirus is because of the stage of my menstrual cycle. Hum.... Does that mean next week I will not be frustrated and upset?" When he hears back what he has said it may make him realise what he has said and how patronising he sounds. He may not be aware of it, so make him aware. Good luck op.

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