Been found out...

[lockdownlows]

Long term relationship with big issues. In a nutshell: partner is depressed, sleeps all day, only recently resumed financial contributions to mortgage and bills after around 2 years of paying nothing, little affection, even less sex.

I started chatting online about two years ago, at a time when I felt very low, ugly and worthless. I was flirty with a few men and it was inappropriate. I stopped messaging after around three months and haven't done it since.

A few days ago, my partner found the chat logs on my laptop. He said he was looking for a TV streaming password I have, saw a messenger log in and then snooped.

He's understandably hurt and I feel awful for causing that pain. But he's also saying that he thought our life was good. I know I have done wrong, and I guess I'm lucky he hasn't kicked me out, but I don't know how he can think things were going well.

Not even really sure why I'm writing this out. I don't have anyone else to talk to about it.

Do you want to be with him? It doesn’t sound like a happy relationship.

How on earth can he think that life is good?

Sounds like you need a proper heart to heart and talk about what to do next tbh. The chars were a symptom, time to sort out the issue.

I think this relationship has had it? Think about how best to move on, life can be better than this.

Why didn't he contribute financially for 2 years?
Was he not working?
And... why are you still with him?
And... how can he kick you out?
Is it his house / flat?

He knows I was/am unhappy, but doesn't say anything about it. It was a bit of a shock when he said he was happy, to be honest.

Not really sure what I want any more. For me to be happy, he will have to change his lifestyle significantly. But why should he do that, when I'm the one who fucked up and chatted behind his back?

He should do that because that's the only way you are going to stay in a remotely happy relationship. It doesn't need to be a blame thing, it's what is needed on the future, or we split.

He was working a tiny bit, but the little he earned went on treats for himself. We are joint owners, but he put down a far bigger deposit as he owned a place before we bought together. I suppose, because of that deposit, I reasoned it was only fair that I covered everything. Sounds stupid writing it out.

You mentioned he’s hurt, how does he feel that he wants things to go from here? Is he willing to talk about the whole thing, from why it started to how sorry you are now etc?

You can use the the comments you have made as reasons to be unhappy and reasons to leave the relationship, but once you start cheating ( and that includes EA) then they are no longer reasons but excuses.
You say you don't understand why he didnt know you were unhappy, but I am sure he did and I am sure he was very unhappy too.
What he may not have known is that you would be cheating and I guess that maybe he was fool enough to trust you.
As for the deposit and the running costs, I think its pretty fair to think that you will make the financial balance more even if he put in the lump sum of the deposit. once you have put it in the same then you should go forward on a 50/50 footing.

So why haven't you ended it?

I was worried about what would happen to him if I ended things, both emotionally and practically, even if just for the short term. It felt like I’d be throwing away the last 14 years for selfish reasons.

I’m not justifying what I did. I know it was wrong.

He said just wants to ‘get back to normal’.

But "normal" is making you miserable. Say you have thrown away 14 years of your life, are you now going to throw away the next 14 too?

You mean normal where he can make as little effort as possible?

Yeah I bet he does.

I don’t think that ‘normal’ would be him deliberately making you miserable OP. If all of this really is due to his depression, then deep down I think he wants the old relationship back. Nothing can justify what you did but something needed to kick him up the arse surely? I understand the feeling of not wanting to end things if you felt like he’s not himself for a very real reason. I also understand feeling worthless if he was acting out due to depression. I really don’t know what to advise exactly, but if him realising that you weren’t happy was enough for him to try to come back to you emotionally, then maybe this needed to happen? If he would rather carry on acting ‘normal’ without changing at all, focusing on how you should be feeling guilty, then depression or not I think it would be better to leave. You can’t stay attached to somebody just because you feel bad for them. You could always be his friend.

Er sorry but for two years, you put up with how he was 'behaving'. The man was depressed. Some people handle that pretty badly, to the point of killing themselves. He was having a shit time, if it was you that had depression, everyone would jump on your husband for cheating on you.

If you didn't believe his depression, you could have left. You had two years to do that. You didn't bother. You went behind his back and chatted up other men, having an emotional relationship.

So now you need to either work on your relationship or give up and find other people. But you need to work on it most and prove you're trustworthy. You're lucky he is bothering. I wouldn't be. If my partner went behind my back to cheat while i suffered with depression, you can bet you'd be kicked out.