Feeling totally anxious and overwhelmed by relationship in lockdown

[heybabes]

I'm sure there are lots of threads about a similar thing but feeling a little bit hopeless today for a couple of reasons.

1. I'm currently isolating with my boyfriend of a year and finding it overwhelming. We'd originally planned to move in together in July, but I'm living with him during this lockdown which is obviously quite a bigger adjustment to normal moving in together. We haven't argued once, but it's giving me pointless anxiety, that our relationship won't survive this - he'll get bored of me and he won't have a need to want or see me after this.

2. He has a DS (3) from a previous relationship, and I'd only met him a couple of weeks before this. The plan was to ease into it, understandably. He usually just has him for 2 days and one evening a week, but because of all this and his nursery has closed, we are having him 4 days a week (without going out or any respite at all). The DS really likes me and wants me to play/sit/etc with him all the time which I am so happy about, but as I don't have any kids of my own I am finding it really intense.

His ex is also pretty high-conflict and has kicked off about me being there, and causes a scene every time my SO picks him up.

3. Also, COMPLETELY understandably and right, when his son is here he pays all his attention to him and I virtually get ignored. I get a little pat on the back as he walks past me to get his son something. He stares goo-goo-eyed at his son all day, kisses and hugs him all day long, and doesn't even look at me.

This is great as I know he is a brilliant dad, but having been with him a year and being used to 5 days a week of pure love and attention, it's making me feel put out. Totally my problem and not his, and I think this would have just been more gradual if not for this situation, but it's making me feel like he doesn't like me as much anymore.

I have said something along these lines to him (just a light hearted "I feel like I miss you a bit when DC is here") and I know he is trying by saying things like "you're so pretty" and "I'm so glad you're here" etc, but my anxiety isn't rational and it's just eating me up and I feel so miserable!

Any tips on how to deal with this? I feel like an idiot and I usually don't react his extremely to things, but this situation is making me struggle to shake this.

You’ve said your living with him, so I think it might be better for you to go back to your own place and stay there until this is all over.

I can get that it’s overwhelming for you with his child being there especially if your aren’t used to being around children, but (and I mean this kindly) it does seem as if your jealous of the time he is giving his child.

Your partner comes as a package, he has a son so he comes before you ALWAYS that’s the way it’s meant to be.
It seems as if your partner is loving the extra time he is having with his son.

Don’t bother with the way the EX is acting that’s not your problem, your partner needs to deal with that.

Oh and remember it’s a tough time for most couples, I’ve been married for years and I’m struggling with my husband being around all the time lol x

Can you go back to your place?
This is understandably, too much too soon.
It's making you anxious and is not doing your mental health any good.
Time to put you first now.

I may be wrong here...but point number 3 seems a bit odd to me.

Of course he loves his child and the child gets priority with his attention. But staring at & kissing/hugging his child all day long seems odd. I have 2 kids and even when I only had the first one - I had to take care of my kids but you know...get on with other things (chores and relationships too because that's life). If he has an inability to do anything other than stare at his kid all day then maybe he has a problem. It just seems weird. There's no legit reason for him to be acting as though you don't exist. If one child means that parents could no longer communicate at all then no relationship with a child involved would continue & function (and it's even harder with an infant not so much with one 3 year old).

But I do think this sudden family living dynamic is too much all at once and if you can go back to your own place for now I would

You can both take DC out for a walk every day. Just keep away from others.

Either you're exaggerating or your partner is strange.

Your weird jealous of his child! That is not normal

I don’t think you wanted to move in with him and his child. I would move back out till after the lockdown. It’s good you have seen how it could be if you stay with him though.

It may not be 'normal' P1nk but they are OP's feelings and they are valid.
We are allowed to feel how we feel.

I’d move out for a couple of weeks at least and stay at your own place.

There is nothing that will end a relationship quicker than being jealous of someone’s child. Particularly a small child. And competing for attention.

It’s likely better you move out or it could end your relationship. It’s too much too soon and you’re not coping.

There are quite a few things wrong with this set-up. Why move in with him? Seems like a knee jerk reaction that neither you or the relationship is ready for. Plus him staring at the child like that and being all gooey and weird is all a bit OTT and strange. Normal parents aren’t like that. He sounds a bit abnormal. Are you sure you want to be with somebody like that? I know tonnes of fathers and none of them act like that with their kids. It’s not normal. It’s weird. He’s a child not a super hero! He needs to be normal with him to teach him how to grow up to be a normal well adjusted fully functioning person. He shouldn’t be having him that much if he’s being strange with him. He’s going to cause him emotional/psychological problems carrying on like that. Tell him to reign it in and buck his ideas up or tell him you’re out of weirdland and move back home. You’re probably now getting an insight into exactly why the ex dumped him

Hmmm I can relate to a few of your points. My DP of just over two years has moved in with me and my DC during lockdown, we were moving in anyway as had bought a house together but this situation kind of forced it. It is tough and i feel like we are annoying each other already after only a week in.
I think he acts in this over the top way with his DC because he only has him one night a week usually. My DP can be like this sometimes with his DD, I put it down to that she's an only child and he only sees her once or twice a week. You just have to suck it up I'm afraid as I've had to accept! It's hard if you havent been out with anyone having kids before.

Too much too soon. And not everyone can be with someone who already has kids. There's no shame in that, it just isn't for everyone. It doesn't sound like it's for you.

Why can't you move home and stay put there until we all know what's happening post lockdown?

He can focus (as he already is and rightly so) on little one and you can have some personal space and 'you time' again.

I adore kids but find it exhausting being around them for a whole day and night because I don't have my own yet so it feels very intense and unrelenting. Again, there's no shame in you feeling that way but its silly of you not to accept the fact that means you aren't going to be happy with someone who has a child of that age.