Emotional and verbal abuse please help

[abitlost27]

Hi MN. Changed name due to the nature of my post. I'll try to be as brief as I can. Been with my partner for over 4 years, from the beginning he had alcohol issues and it soon became clear he was very dependant on it. I became pregnant with our beautiful now 3 year old after 6/7 months of being together, my pregnancy was filled with trauma and pain and strain and upset due to how he would treat me when he would drink (everyday). Name calling, anger, emotional and verbal abuse, complete head fuck. But moments of love and me not being in a headspace where I could have turned my back meant I kept on trying to make things work and be better. It took a long time but by DDs 2nd birthday he had driven four hours to Manchester to one of Alan Carr's (How to stop smoking he's famous for but also does alcohol too) seminar things for the day and walked out of the place free of alcohol and has not had a drink since. Treatment of myself definitely became less and further in between, but it would still happen and be just as damaging each time. Over 2 years on I am still subject to his out of control temper/emotions and am still sworn at, called names, put down and squashed. He accepts he is likely depressed and has anger issues. That's our background as brief as I can I suppose. Now onto right now if anyone's still reading. When ever bad situations have erupted I have often made the decision to come back to my mums house (where we lived for first 2 years of DDs life due to not feel comfortable living with an alcoholic obviously), and have always gone back to live with him to keep trying, even stating this does not ever happen again, but it does. My daughter really adores him and he does her too. We recently moved into a new rental which needed a lot of work done to it, he stayed off work for a month and a half painting and decorating, new floors, we stayed with my Mum for this time, for us to then move in a few weeks ago with him and our 2 cats. It lasted 7 days and we are back with Grandma again. By 9am each morning I was left anxious miserable crying upset on edge and unmotivated to do anything until the house with 3 year old due to his outburst of anger and meanness toward me. This time for first proper time, every day was in ear shot of DD. By day 3 she had become angry herself. He would be in work and the only way I can describe it is she decided to let rip each time she felt angry or upset, hitting/pushing/scratching me. She had never done this before ever. I'm still struggling to parent her weeks on and she is different. I couldn't bare how much it had affected her (and me) and came back here to Mums. Whilst here, I've felt the magnitude of my whole past 4 years close in around me and how awfully I have been treated, sparkle gone, confidence crushed, my light gone, and left not knowing what is right for me to do from here, even though I want him to grow and start just loving me as opposed to what he has been doing. I've had hope all this time. But now I have unfortunately crazily allowed a phone conversation with a friend in Uni, who I connected with but had no bad intentions with, turn a bit naughty/dirty on the phone. I've never done anything like this before and it wasn't as enormously awful as it seems. His girlfriend created a new fake email last night pretending to be him, and got it out of me that it had been 'dirty' , somehow insanely got hold if my partners phone number (I am a clever lady but I cannot work out for the life of me how she did this) and immediately screen shotted the two main messages to him. I have tried to explain what happened, it was majority talking as good friends, he called me drunk out of the blue amongst all this virus stuff, not spoken in months, we don't text or anything, and it turned weird and into something it shouldn't have. Partner is obviously very hurt and I think I've fucked it all up. He's just started counselling, finally last week (video calls due to lockdown), and I am currently 12 weeks pregnant (struggling with it..) first scan on Friday. If our relationship ends here now, I feel it is all on me now as I have made a mistake. Everything he has ever done and behaved and treated me like is now going to be looked over and bypassed due to the fact I had a stupid silly conversation with someone. His treatment of me over the years is no excuse for my silly mistake I know this. For the record I would NEVER be able to do anything in person physically with anyone, even kiss someone else, it was completely ridiculous although I understand it hurts him, it is huge when it actually wasn't hat enormous of a thing. I don't know. Please could I have some advice and perspective. Be kind to me please..!! X

But you know it’s not all on you, you know that. Read back what you’ve written. You’ve written a huge long list of alcoholism and abuse. It’s long. Very very long. So why is it all on you? Your one thing crosses off one thing of his. Ok. But then how many things has he got left then that he’s done. If you want to look at it that way. Anyway, why does it have to “balance out” why does it have to be all on him or all on you. People are allowed to end relationships just because the Sky is blue, you know, do you understand what I’m saying. You seem to be needing reasons and excuses. The truth is you are stuck at the mercy of an abuser and have been for a long time which is why you can’t see beyond it or him. Why does it matter if you’ve “fucked it all up”. Maybe your sixth sense is telling you that’s what you SHOULD do because he’s awful to you. Do you truly even want to be with him? Truly? You don’t do you

You are miserable and he is abusively angry every time you try and live together.

Yes he’s an alcoholic with anger issues. Yes he is taking steps to improve himself. But you know what? Even if he had none of these excuses, I think you’d still be miserable with him. Because he’s choosing to lash out and use you as a punching bag. Many people suffer from alcohol dependence and anger issues but they don’t take it out on their loved ones. That’s a choice, not an inevitable consequence.

Yes you sexted a bit. Yes it’s hurt him. Now he gets to feel for a few days a bit of what he makes you feel day in and day out. The whole relationship is toxic. You don’t need a huge incident to justify breaking up with him. If you want out, just make the break and leave.

It really doesn't matter what the world outside thinks of your relationship or how it ends. I know it seems important to feel blameless, but actually nobody really thinks much about the reasons. You can just say it didn't work out, or we couldn't resolve our problems, or something like that. Conversations will move on. Those who love you will support you. I presume your mum knows a lot of his behaviour already? Is she supportive?

You say this incident is out of character and it went weird quickly - that could well be because you're feeling trapped in a bad relationship and behaving differently as a result. I would take this event as an easy way out. You don't even have to feel pressure to return to him: you're under lockdown, it's not an option, you don't even need to think about it.

He is not good for you. More importantly, prolonged contact with him is damaging for your daughter. Yes, they should still see each other, yes there is love there between them, but that contact can be brief and regular and interspersed with plenty of calm time with you and her grandma.