I dont want to be angry with my mum anymore

[CCID]

Hi Guys,

I am 29 years old and feel so angry at mum that its exhausting. I dont want to feel like this anymore, I just want to let it go, but I just cant, please any advice would be great. Some background below:

My childhood wasnt a good one. My earliest memory is of my mum shouting at my dad, all the time and when I got to about 5 she started shouting at me, over anything and everything. She was genuinely scary and her mood swings were so hard to live with. She was emotionally abusive and to a lesser extent physically abusive.

At around 8 on mothers day I got up early and made her cereal with milk and got her a glass of orange juice. I wanted to serve her breakfast in bed. I went upstairs with my sister and gave her the breakfast I'd made. She looked at me in disgust and said I shouldnt have bothered then ate two bites and said the milk was cold and that I had wasted my time and hers.

Before she used to leave for an event or outing she used to get stressed over getting ready so her moods would plummet, I'd walk around on eggshells at these times but more often than not she would find an excuse to scream at me. She used to say hateful things to me and then just leave. I still have anxiety to this day over people leaving me. I started having to tell members of my family I loved them before we said goodbye.

Then there was the time my mum had been so verbally aggressive to me that i wet myself because i was so scared, she must have felt herself go to far because she reached out to hug me and because my mother never did that I let her, she felt I'd wet myself and called me disgusting then hit me then sent me to be at 2pm in the afternoon.

One of the biggest things that affected me was that because I was oldest I was the one she targeted for the abuse. She used to treat me like shit and my sister was treated like I should have been treated.

It all culminated in the worst instance, we were on holiday, I think I was around 9/10. We were sharing a family room, and it was very hot and I was pretty I'll, I had been diagnosed with chicken pox and I had a bad cough. I was asleep one minute and then then I was woke up by mum choking me telling me to shut up. My dad pulled me off of her and told me to go back to sleep. I was terrified. The next day it was like nothing had ever happened and I didnt speak of it again until I was in my late 20s.

When I was 11 my mum had a hysterectomy and hand on heart she became a whole different person. She was a good mum she never laid a hand on me again and she never screamed at me again. The hysterectomy proved to me that my mum was very sick and that to a large extent she wasnt at fault for her actions while she was unwell. And logically I knew that, but I was still traumatised from it.

The months after my mums hysterectomy where great I begin to make new memories that started replacing some of the old ones. Then my sister got sick (arthritis) and a family rift meant that she was now responsible for looking after two of my cousins. All her time was taken up with them and my sister. She also had elderly parents, one of whom had dementia. I wasnt a priority. She spent so much time with my sister and my cousins. I used to read or watch tv as a type of escapism. As I got into my teen years I started to get resentful of my cousins because they would always say how grateful they were to my mum and how supportive she was, and I'd be sitting there thinking to myself, they were right she was so loving and supportive to them, nothing was too much trouble, why didnt I have that? My mum was no longer abusive and she was a great mum to my sister and cousins. But she was just an okay mum to me and I didnt feel it was fair. I had had to deal with years of bad mum why wasnt it my turn to have a good mum. I started acting out and getting in fights with my mum (never physical) the family and extended family labelled me a brat and to this day look back at my teen years and say what trouble I had caused my lovely mum.

Fast forward into my twenties and things are settling down. My mum has supported me financially getting a house and emotionally over my general anxiety disorder (I have an idea why I have that) but genuinely she is a good mum to me and I know she cares and loves me. The only problem I have is that its 100% obvious to me she loves and likes my sister more, the way she talks to her and the way she talks about her a blind man could see I was lacking compared to her in my mothers eyes. She calls my sister every day to talk. I get a 5 minute phone call every other day. She calls her hunny and hugs her at any opportunity, I cant remember the last time I got a hug without having to ask for one. I get into arguments with her over it but she denys it and then says I'm making thing up. She even makes me doubt my own memories and then when pushed admits its happened but im just too needy and emotional.

I genuinely thought that my mum, sister and I generally had a good relationship but then I turned 25 and met my (ex) partner. I was so excited for them to meet him. I organised that me and him and my sister meet and have drinks. It went well and my sister said she liked him, she and I went back home to have dinner with my mum, she picked us up from the train station and started driving home. On the way back we stopped and mum asked me to run in the shops and pick things up for tea. I left my phone in the car whilst I went to pick up the shopping. We went home and had dinner and then I noticed my phone had a 5 minute voice recording on it. I clicked it and felt sick to my stomach. It was a conversation between my mum and my sister basically slagging me off for 5 minutes and laughing at how my poor ex had his work cut out for him having to deal with me. I just sat there stunned the way they spoke about me and him it was like they were worried I wouldn't be good enough for him and man my mum hadn't met and a man who my sister had only just met for 2 minutes. I played thr recording over and over and it got worse every time I listened. I was a psycho and a liar and selfish and just genuinely crazy and they laughed about it and then venom and disdain in their oices was the worst part. It broke my heart.

I confronted them and they both cried and said how sorry they were, my dad was in hospital at the time and they said it was just the stress of a horrible situation that caused them to be so nasty. I was numb, what could I do, I tried to just let it go.

5 years later that relationship ended amicably, we just weren't right for each other but we remained friends. I asked my mother if I could move back in with her and it was a flat no. I was so upset. Weeks went by and eventually she said yes and allowed me to move in so I could save money for my own place. The first week I was there my sister called and mentioned how hard her commute was, my mum begged her to move back home. If my sister upsets me I'm told to let it go and move past it but vice versa my mum will ignore me/shout at me/ guilt trip me if I upset my sister.

Living here has just put a microscope over my repressed feelings. I've tried speaking to my parents over my childhood and my mum has apologized and I know she genuinely is sorry but then I just get told I'm too old to let it bother me and that theres nothing they can do. I try to talk to them about how they treat me and my sister differently and they just outright deny it and it's so frustrating I want to cry.

The thing is is that I have lost my temper in fights and I can be verbally aggressive and swear at them and I can feel like they do sometimes walk and eggshells around me. And I know my sister is angry at me over my fights with mum, she doesnt understand why I'm so angry with my mum when all she sees is wonderful mum. And she is good mum, it's not her fault she likes my sister more than me, I just wish it didnt hurt me so much.

I dont like the person I am with this anger inside of me. I'm hurting my relationship with my sister and I'm damaging the relationship with my parents. I dont want to feel this anger and resentment anymore.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I know counselling would most likely help but I dont have the money right now to spare. I'm thinking of asking the NHS about counselling and spoke to my GP but she advised it sould be a long wait and most likely a group session. I wouldn't be comfortable talking about this in a group setting. This is different, less intimate but still helpful!

There's a thread on here called 'but we too you to stately homes' where you might find support. It seems to be for people who have been through parental harm like you have.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786141-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-January-2020-onwards?pg=1&order=

Honestly I don't think even after the hysterectomy that she was a good mum. Even assuming her behaviour was out of her control, she never addressed the trauma she put you through. She still othered you, she should have addressed your trauma and helped you heal. Instead she gave you very little. Being generous maybe it was because she felt guilty and couldn't deal with that. But she left you as a child to deal with the massive burden of her abusive behaviour without help or support. That is not a good mother. It sounds like you've been the family scapegoat and still are. Your mum abused you horribly and your dad didn't stand up for you. I don't have any advice on letting go of the anger you feel. I had a lot if anger at my mother for abandoning us, but a very different situation. Ive mostly let go of the anger and hurt now, because I know logically that it was about her, not us. She wasn't a good person. But I have my dad and siblings on side and I'm no longer exposed to harm from her. She treated us badly because of the person she was. Probably still is. Being no contact was a big part of my healing.

Don’t want to read and run OP. I had a similar experience to you (poor childhood with an emotionally unstable mother, non-favoured child) I found the ‘stately homes’ thread very helpful as I have a child and was concerned that I might repeat the same childhood . I realised through the thread that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder. I read the books for this issue recommended on the thread. Was very helpful. I went very low contact for a year, realised I was SO much happier without the constant drama of her and my sibling. I’ve learned not to grieve for a childhood I did not get and not blame myself for the one I did have. I have zero expectations of any good relationship with my mother or sibling and I have found being successful (motherhood/career/friendships) is the best way of proving to them and myself that I am worthy of being treated fairly and kindly. I suspect that like me, your Dad was both her enabler but also was concerned about leaving you Behind if he left. I was very angry with my Dad for many years as to why he allowed this to happen. If you don’t feel RL therapy is accessible right now, Allow yourself some space in your head to process what happened to you as a child and read as much as you can to work through coping strategies for the short/medium and long term. for you. It’s hard when your memories are denied. You are not difficult, you were an undeserving traumatised little girl.

Gosh, that sounds really tough.

The first thing I want to say, is that I hear you. From your post, it feels like nobody else in your family can hear (and therefore validate) how you’re feeling. It’s ok, and very healthy and normal, to be angry at the fact you weren’t safe and protected and loved as a child should expect to be.

I think counselling would be a great idea, to give you some more space and time for you. Talking about your feelings will help you understand them more, and accept them; it sounds like at the moment you’re trying to push them away, because that’s what your family want you to do. That won’t work, unfortunately!

What do you (realistically) want to happen? Do you want a relationship with these people? What do you want that relationship to look like?

Your family dynamic is toxic and I would encourage you to pursue counselling to help. I think you have been traumatised by past events, whilst accepting this was in part due to your mums illness, you don't seem to get beyond this and seem to be lost in your pain.
The thing is is that I have lost my temper in fights and I can be verbally aggressive and swear at them and I can feel like they do sometimes walk and eggshells around me. And I know my sister is angry at me over my fights with mum, she doesnt understand why I'm so angry with my mum when all she sees is wonderful mum it seems like you may have become the aggressor and your family could now be on egg shells around you. Your sisters experience with your mums is different to yours, that will be painful no doubt but their relationship is based on different foundations. You can't have the same relationship with your mum as your sister ; you are not the same as your sister, however I do believe that you can have a positive relationship with your family.

My family dynamic is very similar to yours. Try to get some counselling and see if you can forge a successful relationship with your mum and sister independent of each other..... ie see your sister without your mum and see your mum without your sister. Do not talk to your sister about your mum or speak about your mum about your sister. This has worked for me, I have a great relationship with my mum but I recognise that the relationship between my mum and sister is harder and whereas I had always acted as a peacemaker between them both, I no longer do this as I realise that this infuriated my sibling! I acknowledge the pain my sister has experienced by having a different relationship, but I can't be responsible for this going forward.

Good luck, it's not an easy task to let go and break the patterns of a lifetime, it may also be that as a family you can't get beyond this in which going low/no contact is the way forward

I am the same age as you and struggling with the same feelings of anger towards my mother too. I don’t know what the solution is, I think it’s probably some combination of forgiveness and acceptance but it is very hard to let go of the anger.
I never felt ‘safe’ growing up. My mother was too busy appeasing her husband’s tempers and sulks and looking after three children to pay any attention to how I felt. She told me at nine that my dad was not actually my father and then told me it was a secret and I couldn’t talk about it. I had very obvious signs of depression and OCD anxiety as a result but she was oblivious to this even though I severely restricted my food intake to the point that I did not grow for 18 months and cried every day because my bedroom was not neat enough. I was expected to be her support person and calm her instead of the other way around. As I became older and even less trustful of her she accused me of not being ‘on her side’ and was cruel to me. I think she always struggled to like my innate personality and I grew up being labelled negatively as a result and this only became worse as I got older. Naturally I was resentful by the time I became a teenager and I feel that all my (relatively small) rebellions are held against me to this day. As a result of my poor mental health I struggled after school when I left home and had the space to reflect on my childhood. I didn’t become a super successful professional and I suspect she sees this as my failure and a lack of appreciation for all her sacrifices.
I think I probably need counselling too!

Oh you have had such a difficult time with your family. I feel, as a grown woman you need to move out of your family home. You need to place a healthy distance between your mother and your sibling. This will improve your mental health.

I have always felt like the 'black sheep' in the family (not treated as appalling as you) however as an adult I have put a distance with my parents. It is heartbreaking but it helps.

Thanks for the advice guys, I really appreciate it. I'm definitely going to look at the links and read the books you've recommended.

It's sad because I honestly dont know what I would do if I didnt have my family. I love them, but I hate how coldly they can treat me. I definitely want a relationship with them so hopefully the links/books will give me some ideas.

It's funny aswell because my mum and dad always say how supportive they've been over my general anxiety disorder and also my OCD. They say how exhausting it is for them having to deal with me and my mental health issues and I just feel like laughing/crying because they are the reason I have those conditions in the first place. I'm in a never ending catch 22.

But I actually feel that writing all this down has been cathartic and genuinely feel much better! Now to start looking at the links/books.

Thanks everyone!

I think you would be better off leaving and going non/low contact in the long run. You've been cast as the "black sheep" and that dynamic is unlikely to ever change. Whatever you do there will always be a negative spin from them.

What the other respondents have written.

Children are programmed to love their parents, no matter how abusive they are. Abusers are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. People also from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours here is one of scapegoat whilst your sister remains more favoured.

None of this from them was your fault, the fault is purely theirs. You were but a child at the time. Its not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them that way. Your mother never sought or wanted to seek the necessary help and he enabled her in all this too. I would agree too that she was not a better mum to you post hysterectomy either.

Your dad is really her secondary abuser here; he is a weak bystander who stood by and watch you be abused at her hands. He's failed you too.

They are not supportive of you and never have been. There has been no fullsome apology from them nor have they accepted any responsibility for their actions. Indeed they still go on about how exhausting it is having to deal with you. They are merely projecting their own selves onto you; it is they who are exhausting.

As well as reading what has been suggested I would urge you to seek therapy (BACP are good and they do not charge the earth) and find a therapist who has NO familial bias despite the presence of mistreatment. Interview such people carefully and at length before committing to any one therapist, you need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

What are your boundaries like here with regards to these people?.
Why is it important for you to have a relationship with them?. Is that also because of FOG (Fear, obligation and guilt). You really need to put physical as well as mental distance between you and they because they are not sorry for how you've ben treated and they have not and will not change. You need to remove yourself from their dysfunctional lives and reclaim your life.

I've read every word of your story and resonated with so much of it. Just want to say I hear you and you are not alone.
Still trying to navigate all these feelings myself and trying so hard to not define myself as a victim of the situation.
The worst thing for me is I have done so much work on forgiveness, journaling , meditation and it still ruminates within me.
At the moment I'm looking into re-parenting myself - look at the holistic psychologist on Instagram and looking at what my underlying triggers are .

Also my mother has passed and I cannot ask her the million questions I want to ask her. I have just read a fantastic book which I highly recommend - Adult children of emotionally immature parents