Husband threw something at me

[barmyarmy1]

Please give me some advice, my husband and I had an argument. It was over something silly like washing up and he then just started ranting about how hard he works (I work full time too but his hours are much longer) and then it escalated into him telling me to fuck off and that I was a stupid bitch. I did mimic him when he was saying 'how dare you?' over and over. He then picked something up to throw it at me which made me flinch, instead he threw it at the floor and stormed off. He's always had anger issues that are worse when he's stressed. We are cooped up because of Corona which might be making it worse but I would never be physical like this. We have a small child. Things seem to improve for a while and then get worse suddenly. He's amazing in so many ways but I'm finding this so hard to deal with today. Anyone have experience of this kind of thing?

This sort of thing is sadly going to be on the increase because of cabin-fever. He needs some anger-management counselling or you need to separate. Obviously this behaviour is not acceptable. You must both know it. Everyone is under extra pressure at the moment, and he needs to know that you are not his punching bag. When he calms down, can you ask him about getting some online counselling to help with the stress?

OP it's not ok for people to have tantrums and throw things at you, call you names and try to intimidate you.

I suggest you contact either one of the national helplines or your local organisation and get some advice. It's very likely going to escalate and you've had a shot across the bow.

I have no doubt that you've been in an abusive relationship for a while but it's very insidious and poorly understood. This kind of behaviour doesn't suddenly just develop out of nowhere.

There's more info here with details of what to do and further info on who to contact.

@justilou1 said - This sort of thing is sadly going to be on the increase because of cabin-fever ... which means people are too stressed to hide their real self

This situation doesn't make people suddenly violent/abusive. They are already violent/abusive people, the situation and stress makes it harder to hide.

You said he has always had anger issues, and the stress makes it harder to hide. Now particularly so, please be careful op.

@barmyarmy1... Tell us more about the anger issues! That's a huge red flag.

He seems to resent you. Resentment can kill a relationship quicker than almost anything else. What's really going on here?

Read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That, and The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse by John Gottman. See if any of it resonates.

In the meantime you need to be watchful and careful as this behaviour could escalate.

He behaved badly, yes, but don't taunt someone and mimic them unless you want a reaction. I'm not condoning this so back off soap box queens, I am just saying he threw something on the floor in temper because you two were arguing and you taunted him. Better than hitting you but still, intimidating behaviour is not what I expect from a husband so have words, calmly, and see if he'll accept help with channelling his anger x

I suspect taunting him at the moment is rather like going and poking an angry bear with a stick while you’re blocked in a cave with it. Not smart. Meanwhile, you also have the right to be safe in your own home. You shouldn’t feel afraid.

Firstly your thread title is misleading.
Secondly taunting an angry person is a Dick move.

To be honest you both sound awful.

Rather than looking for blame why not channel that energy into separating amicably?

I agree with the previous posters, taunting someone and repeatedly mimicking them mid argument is guaranteed to make even the calmest person angry and escalate a row.

He clearly shouldn’t have lost his temper. But you also shouldn’t have been goading him.

You both are behaving badly.

It reads like he was already telling her to fuck off and calling her a stupid bitch at the point that she mimicked him. Verbal abuse. Mimicking obviously isn't ideal, but - having been in a relationship with a man who flung abuse at me out of nowhere - I would pick that over trying to mollify an abusive man ever again.

His reaction was bad but mimicing puts me in a rage like nothing else - it's so so childish, rude, and intentionally aggravating. He shouldn't have thrown anything but your behaviour wasn't great either.

Both of you need to look at your way of communicating - name calling and taunting is not healthy

In these times if you're feeling stressed it makes good sense to agree up front that if either of you see trouble coming, separate into different rooms for a few minutes to calm down. Conflict distancing, if you will.

This situation doesn't make people suddenly violent/abusive. They are already violent/abusive people, the situation and stress makes it harder to hide.

This

This is who he is and the current situation makes it more, not less, likely that his abuse will escalate. His anger and subsequent aggression will always be your fault and therefore he will try to put the onus on you not to trigger him —to walk on eggshells—.

You can not fix him or influence the permissions he gives himself to dominate and hurt you.

This is serious OP, the escalation has begun and that is a train that’s hard to hold back. Be safe and get real life support.

He's always had anger issues

What's he done to address his anger issues?