OLD been chatting to a man, turns out he is not so nice, is this ghosting?

[yousexybugger]

Hi all, I have been OLD for over 2 years and have recently been chatting to a couple of men with a view to meeting when isolation is over.

I have been talking to one guy a lot for about 2 months and he seemed really keen, a lot of Facetime 'dates' and phone chats. 2 plans to meet were cancelled because of Covid (this was while places were open and self isolation not as widespread).

However, last night we got into an argument and he showed a really unpleasant side of himself. My considered reaction is 'no thank you'.

We were talking about the pandemic. I mentioned briefly in conversation an idea I had for training deployable staff in situations like this.

I don't want to be outing but it was not a stupid idea, I am confident of this because I work on the public health response to this and my background is in global crisis responses.

Anyway, he started shouting me down. He listened to the very start of what I was saying and guessed the rest, which did make it sound unfeasible. He kept yelling at me saying I would be laughed at if I ever raised this professionally and that I knew nothing.

This was all very aggressive and shouting over me, also laughing aggressively.

I would have felt quite intimidated in person if he had behaved that way I think (I'm no shrinking violet).

He had always talked over me quite a lot but I saw it as just his way. We have had some interesting and challenging discussions, which I liked, albeit always in his field, which is interesting to me. However, he has never really got engaged in anything outside that which I have raised.

Anyway, we had never met so no harm done but I don't feel like speaking to him again. However, the not meeting is due to circumstances and we have spent a lot of time talking.

I have had a couple of messages ending in 'I guess you have changed your mind about speaking to me, take care'.

I do like to treat people well. Is ghosting him really shitty? I don't want to get into another argument hence not having sent him an explanatory text.

Should I text him to say this isnt going to work for me or leave it?

Sorry for the essay, I have bad anxiety and it helps to write things out.

Short version: OLD guy turns out to be a shouty prick. Do I owe him an explanation if I don't respond?

He sounds like a prick. Block and move on.

Dont waste any headspace on him. Seriously.

Ooooh, I would be so tempted to hand him his arse on a plate before blocking! It sounds as though you would absolutely be within your rights to ghost someone who spoke to you in this way, but I don't know if I would have the restraint.

Forget him. Don't explain. Just block.

If you feel the need to reply then reply with “yes I have changed my mind, bye”

I’d say you had a lucky escape, these are probably his true colours that have come out!

I’d say a simple ‘I don’t think we are compatible, sorry’ and block before she shouts back would do.

Good luck OP

You are over thinking this...

Send a brief message.
Or not.

It doesn't matter!

It doesn’t matter in the least either way. Do what you feel like. And next time, don’t dismiss someone talking over you continually as ‘just his way’.

Lucky escape OP. Block and move on

A lucky escape, OP. Hopefully the coronavirus will help women weed out more arseholes before they meet them.

Run! Intrigued what you idea is though!

Shouty pricks dont deserve explanations.

To answer your question, you don't owe him a response, but if it will give you closure, just text him something like 'Yes, I've changed my mind. All the best.' and then block on everything.

He doesn't sound nice.

Just in general, this is the worst time for OLD. You're both stuck at home. People talk because they're bored, like the ego boost or whatever.

You can't meet up, and things start to trail off anyway, even if you're both initially interested.

Fuck him. Do what you want. He didn’t care about hurting your feelings shouting at you.

I would agree that you've had a lucky escape here.

You don't have to ignore or ghost him. He has already ended the online relationship and told you to "take care". It's time to block, hold your head up high and move in. Why waste time - and it would be a waste - when there are men out there who would be really interested in what you are suggesting?

I don’t believe in ghosting, even of shouty pricks. It’s rude, and two rudes don’t make, umm, not rude. So a ‘I’m afraid we’re not compatible, good luck’ message would be appropriate. I don’t really get the blocking thing either to be honest, denying someone the right of reply is against natural justice.

You’ve never met him, you’re not in a relationship with him, he was aggressive, dismissive and rude about an idea you had on a topic you presumably know more about than him which makes him seem belittling, insecure and nasty.

You haven’t even met him and yet you know his outburst would have intimidated you in person.

You owe him absolutely nothing.

With regard to “ghosting” - except in extreme circumstances I find this term really annoying- no one is obligated to speak to anyone else if they don’t want to or if they stop wanting to.

I think that the term is only credible when there’s seemingly been a genuine meaningful connection, and nothing has happened that should have changed things, but that person disappears.

This is not ghosting. He was a shouty arse. He changed things. Don’t feel bad for not spelling out to him the closure his actions created.

Not replying to him would not be 'ghosting'. You don't need to have the 'last word'. I'd just leave it now.

Thank you very much everyone for your kind replies.

I feel a bit along the lines of TigerDater about ghosting never being ok unless someone is abusive. That is, leaving someone hanging with no explanation.

My confusion here was that this felt like some verbal abuse had happened (not trying to compare it to an abusive relationship or anything, just that he was really nasty on that occasion!).

Either way I replied just to confirm I wanted to leave things there, no explanation, no apology and feel like I have squared it away.

Really appreciate all of your input!