TTC/fertility issues. Husband thinks I only want sex to get pregnant

[FableFlower]

Has anyone experienced this?

We've been TTC for 2 and a half years and I've had a few pregnancy losses in that time at varying stages. It's been hard.

Husband has said to me tonight he feels I only want sex so I can be pregnant again. Admittedly it does consume me to an extent. I'm obviously down about the previous losses, the last of which was fairly recently (Feb), I'm desperate for this part of my life to be over with and reach the end of all this pain we've been going through, but I do still want to be intimate with him just because I love him and fancy the pants off him

I don't track ovulation, I don't say 'we have to have sex now to get pregnant' or anything like that. I feel I'm actually quite relaxed about the whole thing but obviously this is the way he feels.

What do I do? I don't want to stop trying and I don't know how to get him to believe that I genuinely enjoy being intimate with him either way.

How old are you? Is it feasible to stop trying for a while, give your body and relationship some time to recover?

26. So yes it's feasible but I do hate the thought of taking a break. I'd rather get this over with now if that makes sense? If we wait a year, we're in the same position we're in right now, no further along

We're supposed to be starting IVF in the next few months but that has been put on hold now because of the current situation with CV (understandably).

I know it sounds like the perfect opportunity to take a break but it's a hard thing to accept. I feel like it wouldn't be a break for me, I would hate it.

I wonder why he said that, does he think you are not enjoying sex? Is he not enjoying it? It's a bit unusual for a man to criticise his partner for wanting sex (!) - how was your sex life before your conception issues started?

Your relationship is obviously under stress, and so are you on a personal level. I agree that it might be sensible to tell your DH that you are holding back from conception for a few weeks at least so you can get your sex life back on track. You have enough problems already, don't risk adding lack of sex to the list.

"It's a bit unusual for a man to criticise his partner for wanting sex"

Its actually fairly common for men to lose interest in sex when TTC, even those with decent sex drives. It seems that viewing sex as a chore and an obligation can be a bit of a turn off.

It seems that viewing sex as a chore and an obligation can be a bit of a turn off

Yep I totally get this. I'm just not sure what else to do so that it doesn't seem like this. Like I say I'm not doing anything like tracking ovulation etc...

It seems like when he initiates it he's all up for it but then whenever I initiate it, he says this.

I've tried suggesting we do 'other things' to avoid getting pregnant for a while but it always leads to sex anyway. He doesn't want to wear condoms and to be honest I refuse to go back on the pill just for the sake of a couple of months, it made me horribly hormonal and I'd rather keep my body free from all that whilst we're going through this.

I've even said why doesn't he pull out if he wants to minimise the risk (we know it's not an exact form of contraception!) but he never does.

I do think he worries about the stress I'm under on a personal level. I went through a very very dark patch after one of the losses last year and I admit I wasn't in a good place at all, I'd said I wanted to kill myself, I did hit myself etc.. but I got counselling and medication sorted (which I'm still doing) and I'm much better.

I think it's because last time I was pregnant I didn't want much sex at all so maybe it seemed like I'd just got what I wanted now. But it genuinely wasn't that, I was really poorly toward the same end last time, I was throwing up day and night and sleeping at 7pm until morning which he obviously knew.

Sounds like he only wants sex on his terms. His refusal to use condoms or even pull out is a bit of a red flag. You need to discuss your sex life aside from the conception issue.

It seems like when he initiates it he's all up for it but then whenever I initiate it, he says this.

Stop pandering to this nonsense.

I woudl suggest a sit down chat where you make it very plain that you've noticed the above happening, reiterate that you do NOT feel this way and that he's being a twat, and it needs to stop.

If you can't get him to sit and listen then you say no every time HE wants sex, until he WILL sit and listen and start to respect that what you say, you mean.

But - actually the bigger problem is WHY he's playing silly buggers like this. Sadly the two most obvious explanations are that he's either selfish or controlling - or both - and quite simply, if HE wants sex that's fine and it happens, but the notion of YOU being the instigator, of sex being on the cards when perhaps he isn't in the mood or hadn't already thought of it - well, fuck that, your wishes aren't important. This is simply the excuse he uses to either let you know your place, or brush you off because it has to be HIM wanting it.

Either way, stop having sex with him and tell him why - right now, it's dysfunctional and bad. He can choose to listen to how you feel and get it sorted, or he can start living with the fact that his wife won't have sex with him as she feels disrespected and undermined.