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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling

15 replies

ffsssssss · 31/03/2020 19:20

Not doing very well. Always torn between talking and being self pitying (issues there from bullying mother)
Spoke to Samaritans this evening, such a lovely lady.

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ffsssssss · 31/03/2020 19:25

Haven't explained that eloquently at all.

Does anyone struggle with explaining their totally dysfunctional upbringing against the 'get on with it' approach? What I mean is...it was hard and shit and still has knock on effects, but should I be stronger and smiling and accept it?

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Windywuss · 31/03/2020 19:29

There is no 'should'. Should is judgmental. You need to be kind to yourself and accept feelings are valid without judgement

Have you had any counselling? Transactional analysis might be helpful.

ffsssssss · 31/03/2020 19:31

Thank you. I'm not coping. There's a lot of damage and I feel I should be stronger. I just can't be though, for various reasons

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ffsssssss · 31/03/2020 19:33

I have had counselling but feel I still have a lot unresolved. Will look up your suggestion. Thank you so much

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category12 · 31/03/2020 19:33

There's nothing wrong with needing support Flowers. Sometimes we just need to get through days minute by minute.

ffsssssss · 31/03/2020 19:35

Thanks category, it's hard though when you have a parent and three brothers telling you you're 'crazy' Obviously there's a BIG back story

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Purplecatshopaholic · 31/03/2020 19:37

I am so sorry you feel like this. And this current situation can’t be helping. Please consider phoning the Samaritans again if that has helped before. There are also online resources that might help, or telephone support in your area? I wish I could give you a hug!

Windywuss · 31/03/2020 19:38

I'm not a huge TA advocate (just cos it didn't click with me) but when you use words like should and thinking about being in a mental state that is from our upbringing it is relevant.

To say 'there is a lot of damage' and also 'but I should be stronger' is a contradiction. In TA, the aim is to be in adult mode... (this will be clearer when you read up on it). If in non judgemental adult mode, you can recognise that it is logical that damage will have an impact. That any reaction to this is normal and understandable.

I'll try and find you a link... Hang on...

ffsssssss · 31/03/2020 19:40

Thanks purple. It's a very long dysfunctional story. I really wouldn't know where to start. I smashed plates today and I'm ashamed to say, it did actually help. What a mess

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ffsssssss · 31/03/2020 19:42

Thank you Windy. So much. I'm going to look now

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lexiepuppy · 31/03/2020 19:42

Nope, in my opinion and having gone through an abusive childhood you should start unraveling what happened before you unravel!

Start researching about Complex Ptsd this is brought on by traumatic childhood. Richard Grannon talks about it on YouTube and he highly recommends a book by Pete Walker called: Cptsd from surviving to Thriving. You can buy it cheaply on EBay.

Look at codependency and Cluster b personality disorders.
Narcissism/sociopaths/psychopaths
Pinterest is a good source of information.

Check out these relationship videos on YouTube:
Inner integration
Susan Winter
Crappy Childhood Fairy

Your parents will probably be high in these traits and you will realise how vulnerable you were, or still are.

You will also realise how difficult they are to deal with as they take responsibility for nothing, everything is always someone else’s fault.
You cannot reason with them as they have no empathy.
How they twist things, gaslight you.
Manipulate.
The list goes on!

But you can heal from this, you will be able to see that they are disordered, but for your own MH you may have to go Grey rock with them, that is keeping them at arms length and talking on a very basic level about things.

Or like myself , go No Contact and not speak to them or have to deal with their manipulations.

I hope this helps you a little bit!💐

Windywuss · 31/03/2020 20:37

Can't find the article I had in mind.. Will check again later.

You're doing OK. Little steps

Nothing wrong with smashing plates! Sounds healthy!

Windmillwhirl · 31/03/2020 20:46

We are all products of our past. Having a bad childhood has detrimental effects in adulthood, but you can overcome your pain.

Would you consider therapy? Everyone has their own journey, so there is nothing to be gained by comparing typurself to others and believing you should be a certain way. You feel what you feel and that's ok xx

ffsssssss · 31/03/2020 21:27

Thank you everyone, you're so kind. Lots to look into. Thanks so much

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Windywuss · 02/04/2020 18:18

@ffsssssss how are you today? I finally found the articles I was looking for. www.clairenewton.co.za/my-articles/transactional-analysis-part1-the-masks-we-wear.html

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