Why does he send these messages and does it matter?

[Lucyggg]

Newish DP of 6 months. Both work as key workers and have been seeing each other as normal as work in same hospital.

Got home last night to find Facebook messages on the iPad from two women. I already knew he had had a fling with these two in the past. They live overseas and be met them when he was working in America for a year.

These women have messaged saying things like ‘hey, missed chatting!’ Or ‘missed our chats!’ The chats seem to historically be a mixture of sex chat and general conversation. The sex chat had stopped by the time we got together.

His responses have been along the lines of ‘hey missed our chats too! Hopefully we can catch up soon.’

I know I shouldn’t have snooped and I don’t need to be told that! But are his replies ok? They’re not sexual in nature but it’s obvious the women could be referring to missing the sex chats OR general chats and so I feel he should have made it clear he was in a relationship? But then I don’t know why he would intend to keep me a secret as it’s not like he’s going to see them again at least anytime soon. What do you think?

I'd not be that bothered. Maybe when he has time he will tell them he is in a relationship but 'catch up soon' is a bit of a non-answer / close down anyway.

are his replies ok?

How do you feel about them?

You'll have hundreds of women on here bleating about disrespect, how dare he, read him the riot act, etc. and equally you'll have another hundred telling you it's no big deal. But ultimately, YOU have to decide what you want, and you have to base it on what feels good/bad to you, personally.

I don't even require my DP be monogamous if he doesn't want to, so what I think doesn't matter. You have to decide, and then go from there.

I think he should have made it clear he was in a relationship as it was obvious they are not aware. I’m not fussed about the contact generally.

I think he enjoyed the ego boost of them messaging which has made me wonder how mature he is, but I suppose we all like an ego stroke now and then

His response is very non committal, it's actually a bit of a shutdown. As long as he doesn't stay in touch and hide it from you I'd let it go x

He will message back when they respond I am sure....

But are his replies ok?

All that matters is whether they're ok with you. Are they?

Or have they made you feel insecure, concerned about his behaviour and given you that tummy flipping horrible feeling?

If they are ok with you then stay.

If they aren't then either talk to him and see if he agrees they aren't ok and offers willingly to stop and work out of you believe he will do so, or leave.

Personally I would quit while I was ahead and move on. But everyone is different.

What's important is your boundaries and expectations in a relationship.

^ what about his boundaries and expectations? Do they matter at all or is it all about the OP? He has a right to privacy. So do his friends, for that matter. The op had no right to snoop and read back on months upon months of communication. How utterly intrusive, invasive and disrespectful. Though I’m sure plenty here will say the end justifies the means.

I think you should let him know you looked at the messages op. Give him the opportunity to dump you before you erode his boundaries any more.

I’ve said that to exes before. I had no intention of hopefully catching up soon.

You need to talk to him. Chances are, if he knows how uncomfortable it’s making you, he’ll block them without a second thought.

It's a very vague and polite type of response.
He probably doesn't feel the need to tell them he's in a relationship. He stopped the chat before he was seeing you as well, so it's not a massive issue...but if you feel it is, then you need to decide what steps to take.

I mean they seem like they're intentionally vague to brush them off. Had to do this when I was younger. You don't always have to say 'i have a girlfriend bye', just by being vague and not engaging much gives people the same impression.

Also, DP after 6 months? really?

Also, DP after 6 months? really?

Does it matter?

He’s keeping his options open. Yuck.

I shouldn’t have read them, I know that. I’m not claiming to be perfect!

Totally confused by the post about DP after 6 months. Not sure how you would like me to refer to him

Dozer I did think that but they live in the US and we are in Scotland so seems strange to do that.

He isn't engaging. Let it go.

It's interesting that you refer to his relationships with these two women as 'flings'. Yet he's your 'partner' after just 6 months. If you had said "someone I've been seeing for 6 months" you wouldn't be have had the raised eyebrows at the world partner. It's quite proprietary. Remember that you only know what he told you about past relationships.

The only thing that stands out for me is that you live together after 6 months and you are already snooping. If you are insecure, as demonstrated by snooping, you shouldn’t have committed to a major commitment.

I would hate someone snooping through my messages , it’s very disrespectful , esp as this is a relatively new relationship
To answer your question , doesn’t seem like he’s engaging with them . He’s being polite , and non committal . The only thing he did wrong was leave his iPad lying around

i wouldn’t like it but I believe it’s fairly common in online dating for people to keep fishing for a while.

So basically,

You read his private messages

Found two innocous messages from members of the opposite sex?

Also found that he had stopped sexual conversation prior to your relationship?

Personally, no I don't think thats YUCK or wrong.

I'd say its someone having a conversation with someone. No more no less.

TWO (not just one) women from over the Atlantic? What the hell do they want? Do they know about you and each other? Pf weird...