Newly out of a controlling relationship, what good books can I read to help me be a happy single / not fall for the same type again?

[Knowwhentorun]

My ex-p moved out last year. Before he left I found a couple of books recommended on here that were so helpful (codependent no more and Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft).

Fast forward few months and I think the guy that I have become involved with is possibly being quite controlling, I am annoyed at myself, but also a bit unsure. I’ve bounced a couple of scenarios off a friend and she doesn’t think it sounds too good.

The lockdown is obviously helping, in a way, because it gives me some time...but please, can anyone can recommend some reading about self worth, being happy single and how not to fall back into the same place again because reading seems to be my way to help fix things.

Psychopath free

The gift of fear

How about having a look at the Freedom Programme?

Have you had a look on-line at the 'Freedom Programme'?
Do that if you can.
Also look into mindfulness.

You could also read about attachment styles and other academic books about power structures in society, and some feminism stuff.

I'm not suggesting you will be able to fix your situation but it's good to have an understanding of these types of things

WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH by Robin Norwood would be my top recommendation.

Classic books that have stood the test of time include:

THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF ESTEEM by Nathaniel Barden

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (ignore the bible stuff - the advice is solud)

hi OP, Lundy Bancroft is very helpful and rang millions of bells for me when I left an abusive relationship. I also found The Gift of Fear helpful (and chilling, because a lot of the really violent people, and killers in h is book were just like my ex and it seemed clear to me that my ex was heading in that direction) and then two books by Patricia Evans - Controlling People and the Verbally Abusive Relationship. Controlling People was really chilling because again it really resonated with me.

Like you, I left one relationship thinking I wouldn't ever make those mistakes again, but in reality, it's not that easy sadly. And I think I fell into another controlling relationship too - albeit one that won't kill me this time- . I feel really upset about that.

Thank you! Putting children to bed now, then I will go and check all of these out on Kindle. I saw that the freedom program recommends reading a book first, so I’ll look at that too.

Do you want to list the things that concern you here, OP?

Hi HollowTalk, it’s small things like saying my hair looks better like this rather than that, or if we’ve had a day out I’ll look back and think, ah...you kind of planned that in advance, even though it didn’t look like it at the time.

How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I’d just like to second the recommendation for ‘Women who Love too Much’ by Robin Norwood. It’s the best book on these issues I’ve ever read. It draws on a load of real life case studies and causes the reader to take a deep long look within herself and examine why she might be drawn to the same toxicity again and again.

well he does sound controlling at the least. I went out with someone who increasingly wanted to dictate what I wore, how I did my hair (all of it), how I did my make up. It started off as kind suggestions but got more directive. he basically wanted me to look like a middle aged footballers wife.

he had a previous girlfriend who took him seriously and tottered around in high heels and bandage dresses all the time.

He also wanted to control everything we did together. Again, it ramped up over time.

I'd start off with Lundy Bancroft - he has some good lists of red flags. I did find the Patricia Evans - Controlling People one helpful as gave some insight into why people want to control you and why they lose their shit with you.

Did you manage to join our freedom programme, they are all free and online, happy to sign post you as it changes your life x

Some local facilitators are also doing the Freedom Programme via Zoom.

Stop Signs is a good book for looking for warning signs etc of abusers. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1580053874?tag=mumsnetforu03-21