Love yourself???

[disposablegirl]

Hello wise people,

I've always heard the phrase "love yourself". As someone who's currently working through issues including low self esteem, I'm wondering if you guys can please give practical examples of loving oneself?

When I hear "love yourself", it's synonymous with "buy loads of stuff for yourself and pamper yourself" in my head. I still feel very unhappy and unaccepting of myself after this. Are there things I'm missing out?

Thank you x

I wouldn’t say I love myself - I am me and that’s a fact that doesn’t evoke any emotion.

I have a healthy self-esteem because I don’t take to heart people’s opinions of me. It may sound big-headed but I only care about what I think of me - I abide by my own values, and that’s the only approval I need.

Among other things, it means not being horrible to yourself. Giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. Letting yourself of the hook if you do something a bit silly occasionally. Appreciating the good things you have done. Being positive about yourself.

You know how, when you love someone, you praise them for what they have achieved? You smile at them when you see them? You know how, if something bad happens and they are feeling down, you comfort them by pointing out how it isn't their fault or how they have managed a bad situation well?

And you know how, when you achieve something good, you dismiss it - for example you get praise for something and immediately tell yourself that you don't really deserve it? Loving yourself is giving yourself a good slap when you do that kind of thing.

I think that accepting yourself is a big thing - not always wondering about how you could be better or different, and not comparing yourself to other people. This also means trying to accept other people and allow them to be who they are.

To me it means 3 things:

1. I would say be kind to yourself. Treat and talk to yourself as if you had a really close friend and wanted to give them the best advice, comfort them when they are low or feel they have made a mistake. Give yourself a break.

1. I think it can also mean pamper yourself a bit, if you love having fresh sheets on the bed, do that for yourself, if you want to take a bath, or scream or dance do that or want french toast for breakfast even though no one else in the house likes it, do it - stop denying yourself (no cost) pleasures. Practice self care.

1. Be selfish - put yourself and your needs and wants first. This can be really difficult to do if you have low esteem and/or a people pleaser. It can take a lot of practice.

This is more about loving your inner child. The small person inside your psyche that was always told to shut up, be brave, stop showing off, be a big girl, don't make a fuss, etc etc.

This is about loving all of her vulnerabilities and all her neediness and looking after her feelings in the way she wasn't necessarily looked after when you were a child. Adults look after children. Thats the rule and that might be what you have to repair.

The buying loads of stuff behaviour is just the same as drinking and eating too much and doing drugs/ gambling. It's just trying to fill and endless empty hole that should really be filled with the knowledge that you and your young self are infinitely loveable and cherished.

'How to Love yourself when you don't know how' by Jacqui Bishop is a useful book to start with on this journey if you're doing it alone.

Recognise your good points, accept and overcome past “ failings “ although I think thats where the biggest lessons are learned. Give yourself the leeway you’d give others - no wasteful self criticism. Be happy with what you already have - it’s quite liberating. You can only control what you do, the shitty behaviour of others is theirs to own, let them get on with it - do not engage with nonsense. Learn to say no if you don’t want to do something.

isn't it multi layered? It's accepting yourself for who you are, not being critical, having self-compassion, having self belief?

Isn't it also about realising you're worthy of love, and not putting up with shit from people because you're worth more? Because you are worthy of love, and you shouldn't put up with less. (I now realise that - a person who loves themselves would not tolerate a shit relationship, cheating, lying and disrespect - for a minute).

I think there can be an element of self care too - but that's different for everyone. not necessarily having lots of bubble baths and stuff. For me, it's taking time to run, to do yoga, to lie in a lovely clean bed, or buy fresh flowers.

The things you do for others, do for yourself. The care you give to others, also give to yourself. Cut yourself the same breaks, forgive your trespasses as you forgive the trespasses against you. Understand yourself when you go wrong and be kind to the hurting human you are, the frightened child we all are.

When people ask things of you, imagine they are asking another person and it might be easier to see whether to say yes, or no! Saying no can be ok. It's ok to draw a boundary because actually what you want matters as much as what another person wants. Do yourself a little kindness.

If I treated myself with half the kindness I treat everyone else, life would be great! I think it's easy to forget yourself and your needs and remember what makes you happy when you have a lot of people to care for.

Practical examples? I read a book called how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones - was recommended here on a thread. I now can tell you what I want my life to include, so I spend time investing in it. Eg my goal is to have 5 cultural experiences every year. So in august when the theatre programs are released I go through and see if theres anything I want to see. I regularly search fb and ticketmaster to see whats on, check the choir organisations. Now some of those I wont be able to go to for one or another reason, but when I do go to something I feel more me. Going to spas or giving myself beauty treatments does not feature on my list of things I want in my life.

Another thing from the book is boxing days. One day a month where you make no plans and just do whatever you fancy doing.

Also having a bulletjournal enables me to structure my freetime without overloading.

Another recommendation is the life changing magic of not giving a fuck. Theres a ted talk.

Also Kondoing the house made me feel lighter and happier day to day.

For me, it's about not accepting crappy behaviour and caring about my feelings.

If you care about someone, whether it's a lover or a friend, you treat them with respect and love and for me, it's not allowing anyone treat me any less than I should or less than I treat others. That's what I see as loving myself. It took me years to realise I should and deserve to be treated how I treat others and not to put up anyone who doesn't.

Interesting thread.

I have struggled with liking myself let alone loving myself. It stems from being severely bullied at high school, financial struggles as a child, feeling I was a burden, only having a few friends at any one time.

I push away those who love and try to love me because I do not feel worthy of love. I am self destructive and have a constant wall up to keep people at a distance even close family.

I have had counselling several times.

I understand myself but feel powerless to change.

I feel I am beyond help despite the way my life may look to outsiders.

Gorgeous responses on your thread!

It isn't buying yourself stuff. Though I am hugely guilty of that, it's a bit of a quick fix (and can be addictive..) and not really representing true thinking you are gorgeous.

For me it's being amazingly excited about life, about what happens, about the seasons and the lovely things that happen. And realising I'm part of that! I'm part of the gorgeous things that happen. Wow!

I have to say I do have a faith. I've also had acres of therapy. I would say a huge part of rebooting how I feel about myself, about getting in line with the lovely stuff that happens, was /is talking to myself in the mirror, looking into my eyes and saying "I love you. You are gorgeous, you are loved". Regularly!

I don't do it anymore, probably because I dont need to. Sometimes I do, if things are slipping (we do revert very easily to the default setting of: I am crap). It may sound cheesy but it really does make a difference. Surprisingly hard to do it initially... but push through and do it, regardless how you feel. Just do it, talk to yourself in the mirror, looking into your eyes.

I think how I feel about my kids, I am hopelessly in love with them and absolutely adore them completely. I deserve that about myself. If I didn't get it when I was a kid I can do it for myself now.

I read it somewhere, but if you drop something, you don’t berate your hand, do you, for being stupid and clumsy. A hand is just that, it does more for you than drop things on occasion.
The same with your whole self.

All this is great advice, OP, I really hope it helps you.

I was taught by my family that being selfish was the most terrible thing. This worked within the family as we basically had a commune and everyone did in fact pull together equally. But it made me vulnerable once I left the commune. I woke up one day (ok, over 30 years later!) and realised it’s the selfish people, the takers, who thrive in the real world. Now I don’t want to be one of them but equally I don’t want to be mugged off any longer by them. So I say to myself when asked to do something by anyone ‘Why would I want to do that? What’s in it for me?’ It helps me make better decisions, and it comes from accepting that only I can put myself centre stage in my own life.

I understand myself but feel powerless to change.
Well, loving other people means accepting them as they are, so maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself to change?
Obviously, you might keep on putting that pressure on yourself, if that is the thing you can't change , but could you at least see yourself berating yourself and laugh at yourself like you might chuckle about your lovely dad/cousin/daughter who has that silly habit?

For me, it's about doing the right thing. If I end the day and can look myself in the eye when I'm brushing my teeth then I know that (by my own moral compass: everyone's differs of course) that I've done the right thing.

If I haven't met my own expectations then my eyes drop. And, when that happens, I resolve to do better the next day.

For me, it's not about treats or pampering.

Have look at 'The Man in the Glass' poem; that's how I do it.

Do I love myself generally? Yeah, absolutely

OP, as s first step would you consider doing a name change? You’re not disposable, you’re the permanent and amazing centrepiece in your own life 💐

It's about not being critical of yourself and not beating yourself up. If you keep berating yourself, it becomes a cycle. We are none of us perfect, but we are pretty good! we are all doing our best.

But it's also about as a pp says not accepting shitty treatment. If you love yourself, you don't let people treat you badly. Because you're worth more. A good friend of mine sat down when I was taking a man back over and over again despite horrible treatment - she said, wow you must really hate yourself.

I have seen it with others, they let a man (usually, but it can be co-workers, bosses, family) treat them badly over and over, not realising that they are worth more. You don't love yourself if you keep turning a blind eye to behaviour, or if you keep giving people chances to change (which in fact are chances to keep treating you like shit). you need boundaries - it's not being selfish.

Self care for me is important, but all the yoga, shopping sprees, cake in the world isn't going to improve my life if I don't remember the 2 things above.