Should I separate?

[Mummy2b2X]

My husband and I have been having problems for the last few years, nothing serious but just constant bickering and having petty arguments. The bickering started after our first child. I’m now 4 months pregnant and in the heat of the moment I told him to get out the house after a silly argument. Although he didn’t leave he took that argument to heart and as a result things haven’t been the same. We now share separate bedrooms and 4 weeks later he has told me he is not sure if he wants to be with me and needs time to work things out in his own head. He told me he isn’t sure if he still loves me. I have apologised for all the petty arguments and told him I want to work things out but he is still saying he needs time. This has completely knocked me for six and the stress is causing is unbearable. I spend most nights crying and I’m so worried what impact this stress is having on the baby. I’ve tried to talk to him and I’m constantly in tears but I don’t want to force him to stay. If he is going to leave I’d rather he leave now so I can try and move on with my pregnancy without being stressed. I guess the not knowing is having a greater impact than if we separated now. Can anyone offer any advice?

Not the best time but what he has said is very hurtful indeed.
Are you both at home full time at the moment?
Is there somewhere he could go and not impact anyone else?
You do need some space but with the lock down I'm not sure it's doable.
Would he agree to sit down and have a proper talk with you?
Write down everything you want to discuss.
Why you are arguing and what you are arguing about etc....
You need to get everything down and agree on how you move forward from here.

We are both working from home full time, whilst looking after our 4 yr old. We spend most of the day working in separate rooms.
He could go to his Mums but if he did I would be too hurt and upset to take him back.
We had a good chat this afternoon and I explained how he really hurt my feelings by saying he doesn’t love me. He apologised and said he didn’t mean to say that and he was figuring it out in his head and then he tried to hug me and initiate sex. I just walked away and I’ve have stayed away from him for rest of the day as I don’t want to argue/ cry in front of my 4 year old. How can he go from saying he doesn’t love to wanting sex?
I feel so insecure at the moment and I’ve had other family troubles and this is the last thing I needed. Now I’m not sure if he is apologising out of pity or if he really doesn’t love me anymore. Sorry for blabbering on, my hormones are playing havoc on my emotions and I probably just feeling sorry for myself. My heads all over the place and my husband is normally a nice guy and he is telling me I’ve turned him into this and that’s why he has changed. I think the truth is he doesn’t know what he wants and after 15 years together that really sucks to hear.

OP - I am sorry you are in this place.
And it’s not easy to know what is really going on with just one glimpse of your relationship.
But here are a few thoughts.

Having a child changes relationships. Having small kids is the toughest bit - when adult relationship goes to the backburner and kids needs rule life for a while. So many couples suffer and bickering, etc happens to all. And it’s so easy to lose track of where it all started.
And so people - men often - get frustrated with this pause to their ‘normal’ life while kids are small.
I am not excusing that - as I find it immature and selfish on their side - but am just trying to explain to you what might be happening.

It is entirely possible that your H actually loves you but is struggling with the changes to your/his life that came about since your child been born. And now, with another kid coming - from his point of view - the life won’t get back to any sort of normality any time soon. (Whose idea was it to have another child, given the state of your relationship, btw? Guessing not his?)

I know you are feeling sad and insecure. But - if I were you - I’d not make any decisions or force anything right now. It’s stressful time for everyone - you with pregnancy and lockdown, and pressures we all are after - makes it just too much. No one is in a good place to make any decisions.
See if you can’t get through this for now, and take stock later.

As to why we wanted sex after an argument - it’s because men are different from women. They just are that way. They seek sex to reconnect and feel close.

Thanks for the advice. That is exactly what happened, when we had our first child things changed dramatically and we started to bicker, nothing serious just silly arguments. I’ve been unhappy for a while but thought this is the path I’ve chosen and so got used to the bickering. He on the other hand didn’t realise we had a problem and was living in bliss. He really wanted a second child and I explained we weren’t in good place but he was oblivious. I was more reluctant having a second child but I gave in. I didn’t want to risk leaving it too late and missing out on having another baby.
It was only until we had our big fight a few weeks back that it finally hit him that we have been unhappy for a long time. Even though I told him so many times during arguments it had never sunk in before.
We have talked since and he is telling me he wants to work things out and he wants to feel in love again and that it will take time. I have tried to explain to him that when you have kids they become the priority but he is refusing to believe that. I think I have been pushing him away all these years and now it has finally hit home. He is a sweet man and a little autistic I believe and that is why we struggle to communicate.
Thank you so much for your advice xx

The fact that you're both talking AND listening is a pretty good sign it seems to me :-) My partner and I wrote each other letters when we were in a similar spot, it helped slow everything down and we considered what we said more carefully. Good luck.

I initially thought we had talked things through and we were back on the mend but it hit me last night that something wasn’t right. When I thought about his behaviour I noticed he would spend the day and evening avoiding me and he still slept in the spare bedroom. I was starting every conversation and it felt forced on his end. So, I asked him again today if he was happy and he finally admitted he doesn’t know and he doesn’t know if he loves me or not. Think I’ve been fooling myself for the last week, if I look at his behaviour he has shown no interest in me and certainly no love for me. When I tell him I’m feeling low he will spend the day avoiding me and justify it by saying I’m giving u space. He has no interest in making me feel better that is why I know deep inside that he no longer loves me. When I’m sitting there in front of him dying inside and see him carefree laughing away at texts I really hate him. I feel such a fool for thinking we were back on track. Even after I told him I feel low and insecure he rather ignore me and spend the evening messaging his friends or watching you tube. I’ve got no choice to suck it up with everything going on. I just don’t know how to be around him anymore.

you told him to get out and now here you are.

sounds to me like he’s trying to tell you something but you’re not listening

I am listening and he is still telling me he wants to work it out but his actions are saying something completely different. We can’t work things out if he doesn’t communicate with me and avoids me. He is confused and blowing hot and cold and that is what is messing with my head. I’d rather know where I stand now so I can move forward. I don’t know how to be around him.