Head or heart

[Slimerecipehell]

Been with dp 5 years, don’t live together, partly due to our own dc, jobs,location etc. It had been on the cards to move in together for the past 2 years. He’s always been very emotional unavailable but I’ve ‘put up with it’ as in every other way he really is fantastic. Now it’s got to the point of viewing properties, I’ve seen how truly emotionally detached he is and I’m not sure I can live like this. Due to forced time apart it has made me question our relationship, do I put up with his flaw of no communication/emotion or call it a day? I have always loved him unconditionally but something has snapped and I don’t know what to do. The worrying part for me is that since isolating I really haven’t missed him. Am I just having a panic moment or am I being practical that I can’t live like this. I don’t want to throw away 5 yrs of loveliness but I also don’t want to live the next however many years feeling frustrated.
I have tried to talk to him about it and he’s said he can try and work on it but that’s just the way he is...

You don’t have to love adults unconditionally. Just your kids.

Someone who can’t express love in the way you sorely need will always provide you with pain and a sense of loss. I would walk away.

“..... since isolating I really haven’t missed him.”
End it.

“..... since isolating I really haven’t missed him.”

That is your answer.

You were comfortable with him. Making a commitment has forced you to realise that being comfortable isn't enough for you. It is enough for some people but not for others and not for you. Don't settle.

You're wasting your time and you know it. Stop trying to talk yourself out of dumping him.

I only listen to my heart if my head tells me I'm being treated right and I know things are working.

Love isn't enough if you're relationship isn't working!

That's not to say I can just switch off my feelings obviously but I have been forced to learn that sometimes I have to make the healthy choice inspite of them even when it's painful.

When you realise something fundamental, that should be there in a person's heart, just isn't it's sad. But I think it's part of being a grown up that you learn to walk away from these people.

I need warmth, compassion and fondness from the one I love. I need goodness and empathy. If those things arent there then it just isn't enough.

You cannot love someone more to make up for their shortfall of it towards you.

I font think it's a head or heart question. It's a gut question. You feel it in your gut that he is just a bit...off. with regards to how he should feel about a and act towards you.

I think you'd be wise to leave. You deserve...more.

Surely a relationship that doesn't meet your emotional needs is lacking its very core? I mean, isn't that the whole point of it?

Listen to your head here. You have not missed him. This relationship is over now in all but name and you do not have to love an adult unconditionally. Which leads me to you; what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

Re your comment:-
"I don’t want to throw away 5 yrs of loveliness but I also don’t want to live the next however many years feeling frustrated."

Five years of loveliness eh with an emotionally unavailable man; it does not compute so you are being dishonest with yourself here as well as having settled for so little. Your above comment is the "sunken costs fallacy"and that basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Love your own self for a change OP and teach them that emotionally unavailable people are not good relationship prospects.

How old are all of the kids?

Trust your gut. Perhaps he is okay to have sex with, have adult company get out of evenings sometimes but not partner material. I'd not bring your DC to live with him if you feel he is emotionally unavailable, it may not be good for them, especially if things fall apart. He won't suddenly change because you live together.

I'd not move in to gether, keep the part time relationship going if you get a lot out of it, no need to create a new domestic situation.

Sunk cost fallacy.

Those five years can either be the first of 30 increasingly unhappy ones with him OR they can be five years that have taught you this style of communication doesn't work for you, so you can ensure you only choose to be with someone who is right for you in future.

Don't waste your life trying to make someone else express the way you want them to feel.

Be single and you have the opportunity to meet someone who naturally expresses their feelings in a way that makes you feel happy, secure and wanted.

Thanks for all the replies, they’re really helpful and yes, telling me what I know deep down I need to do. I can’t change someone and I can’t carry on with how things are,he says he will work on the communication issues but I don’t think that’s possible long term. x

I've been in a relationship for 23 yrs and have 2 sons. My partner has always been insecure and has trust issues. He doesn't trust me, although he says he does but over the years he's accused me if cheating several times. I love him and and don't want to tell him to go incase he does? I haven't cheated on him. The last time accused was 5 months ago, and this argument goes on and on. We're not arguing all the time, but it's still there. He says I brought it in when I cheated, and will not listen to anything else. I'm scared of being alone but also don't want to be like this. I want us to be together, a family and be happy. How can i make him trust and believe me?

Apologies, bloody phone!

Wrong thread, sorry!

@Adv1ceplz

You'll get most help by starting your own thread (click on blue downward pointing arrow, then add thread while in "relationships").

He sounds controlling, paranoid and exhausting. It is abuse.

Lundy Bancroft says in his book that the men who.accuse partners of cheating often know rationally that they haven't but they enjoy accusing them of it because they get to control their partner through that and they get to browbeat her.

Adv1

He believes you. He just wants you to think he doesnt. So that you spend all your time thinking about how you can 'prove' yourself. Prove your innocence, prove your worth, prove your live, prove your value.

As pps said, it is abuse.

They trap you in an ever ongoing test. An argument that goes round and round. He WANTS you to feel the way he is making you feel.

That Lindy bankroft book is a good read. Most of the abusers he worked with basically mostly said they dont even believe their partner is cheating. They just want her to think they do, in order to trap her into proving her own innocence rather than focusing on the shit they are doing.