Family Estrangement, how to deal

[famousforwrongreason]

Longong back story. End result is I Estranged myself from some close relatives. They are also estranged from the rest of our family.
It's hard to say without being too outing.
I chose to separate myself from them for the good of my health and to protect my children.
I have Learned today that one of them is very ill.
I don't know prognosis etc yet
I've been asked not to share the news with anyone else which means keeping it from their close family members.
I also feel very weird about opening Communication up again.
Separating from them has had a huge impact on my anxiety levels and general quality of life.
Has anyone been in a similar position?

Of course you dont share their secret, its not yours to spill.
Focus on the ill person, what they want. Everything else is irrelevant.

Thank you @raffa I’m not going to spill, just all feels very weird. The ill persons wants w reunion, I feel very vulnerable and out of my depth really

Will you regret it if you dont make contact?

@sevenseas, I guess that depends on prognosis, treatment etc. I’m having therapy and the main reason is due to complex childhood trauma due to this person.
This is a scenario that has played on my (and others’) mind/s and we always thought we’d been relieved should this person cease to exist.
Whoops inadvertently sounded a bit Monty python.
I guess lockdown adds another layer as this person is completely alone and bean

If you are having therapy because of complex childhood trauma due to this person I would urge you to not reopen that box; it needs to be kept closed. You have made much progress; do not potentially undo it all and do not go down this rabbit hole.

What good would come of re-establishing contact here?. In all likelihood none; the deathbed apology is the work of Hollywood films. This person is still not going to apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Does the person have form for manipulation and deceit, OP? Some people are totally capable of lying about their health - how do you know about it and could it be fake?

If they are genuinely terminally ill, what would you hope for from a reunion? A deathbed confession or change of character is very unlikely - illness can just make an abuser a weak, sick abuser.

Be very wary.

None of your original reasons for ceasing contact have changed.

It’s hard but don’t lose sight of that. It’s sad they are now seriously ill, but be careful it doesn’t suck you back into something that isn’t good for you.

Ok i misunderstood. As they have hurt you i would say its understandable whether you choose to reach out or not. If you want to i would really dig deep as to why you want to? Closure? Forgiveness? To confront them? To see them suffer?

Could you discuss this with your therapist?

I personally would not give a fig about someone like that. You reap what you sow.

I’d be very suspicious, they might well be lying to manipulate your emotions.

Let’s face it, if you have a diagnoses of terminal cancer ( for the sake of argument) there’s little point in “ not telling anyone “ , they will find out very soon anyway. But one good reason for “ keeping it secret “ is that it’s all made up. Then when you don’t die as planned , you can just say

“ gosh I don’t believe that witch Famous, she even told everyone i had cancer, she will stop at nothing “.

One thing you COULD do ( don’t know if people who know a lot about this like Atilla will disagree ) is say that you are prepared to accept a letter from them ( the supposedly ill person ).

So you then could get a letter that says “ I’ve got a diagnoses of X and I’ve got Y months to live. I’m getting chemotherapy at hospital A under doctor B.

“This has made me think about my past and all the bad things I did to you and I want to apologise and make it up to you, I’m so sorry, it was all my fault. I know I don’t deserve anything but please be good enough to come and see me and let me apologise in person “.

Which is what I think you are hoping for . Then you can decide what you want to do next, if you want to meet them. You don’t have to do anything at all, but it might help just to have such a letter.

However I think that’s probably very unlikely. Sorry . If they are lying about being ill, they won’t want to put it in writing. And they won’t want to admit any wrong doing , unless they have totally changed.

You are much more likely to get some version of “ I’m unwell and I demand to see you , it’s my right as an unwell person. “

Or even a letter from another family member that says “ X is ill and demands to see you and you are a selfish bitch if you don’t do what they want . Buts what’s new because you’ve always been a selfish bitch. If they die you will feel bad for the rest of your life “.

Then you will know exactly where you stand and that there’s no point in having any more contact. That it’s all being done to manipulate you.

You could always get someone else to read the letter before you, and then only let you see it if it’s the first type of letter.

I don’t know, that’s just my thoughts. As I said, other who know more might think it’s a bad idea.

Just a quick skim read and general reply as lots on today, thank you so much for kind words and thoughts. I really appreciate your understanding .
Going to message therapist today as we'd only just agreed in on the 'up' and were putting much larger gaps between our upcoming sessions.
it's definitely true because the person who told me is not the manipulator and has been to health appointments etc. The person wwho is sick is very likely to lie about things like this and has done my whole life but this is different based on who told and how It was told.
I've spent a whole life grieving for this person!
Nobody's asking to see me and I don't want any apologies. This person's ego is too big to ever be wrong and if it came it would likely be fake anyway.
It's way too late for that regardless of life or death.
It's very hard to understand what I feel and what to do or even think. I know i sound ridiculous.
As we all are, I'm dealing with kids and work under the new pandemic regime, plus my own health stuff and juggling a lot of plates. I think first step has to be the therapist.

Do what's best for YOU

You don’t sound ridiculous at all, you sound very sensible.

When you’ve done so much work to recover from the harm this person has done you, it’s a BIG DEAL to even think about having contact of any kind. No wonder your head is spinning.

Though if they don’t want to see you, why are you thinking about seeing them ? As several PP said, what has changed ? Yes they’ve got older but so have you. That was hardly a surprise !

There would be nothing my estranged 'family', or their flying monkeys, could ever do that would make me have them back in my life.

The way they acted and behaved, as a group, when I lost a close family member made me realise that they brought nothing to my life except misery etc.

Op, you need to decide whether having them back in contact adds or subtracts from your life as it is. Adds, then think about the possibility. Subtracts, then keep them far away.

I wasn't clear last night as was tired, slighy drunk and shell shocked. The person hasn't explicitly requested to see us, we've been told 'X would love to see you and talks about you the time'
Last night I interpreted it as I have been summoned but its not quite that.
I am trying really hard to separate in my head and heart how to proceed. I have a huge lump in my stomach. Kids are 'vibrant' today and I have no space for quiet contemplation
I've asked more questions this morning, there is further medical investigation warranted, next week, so I might just ask for updates and take it from There.

@billyt, yes, all of that. I have some sadness about this particular flying monkey, a deep sense of loss and sadness but unfortunately she is surrounded by manipulators and toxic people and altho I love her I don't want all of their shit back in my life.
I'm also very aware how ying monkeys will handle my not being there if that's what I choose. I know 'what other people think of me is none of my business' but this is a small town and dirt really sticks whether true or not

The flying monkey isn’t interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored as should any and all small town gossip.

The relative who contacted you is a “flying monkey”.

True @dozer, there only three of us who know about this illness, the other two are now telling me that we need to forgive and let go and blood is thicker than water etc..now I feel a cunt. god life sucks sometimes

I do have some small idea of what you’re going through. I was estranged from my father when he died a couple of years ago. I think it may have been easier for me because I cut contact in my early teens and was early forties when he died. He was essentially a stranger to me so I didn’t have to deal with feelings of grief, just sadness about what could have been.

I did not re-establish contact. I didn’t wish him any ill will but realised that he was still the same person and that if I let that back into my life, he’d take me down with him. My brother did re-establish contact and is still dealing with the negative repercussions now. Nothing positive came from it. There were no death bed apologies or recognition of the damage he’d caused.

I think, in your position, I’d make an urgent appointment with your therapist. You cannot listen to anyone who tells you to ‘let stuff go’. And you are not a cunt 💐

@snotnose! Thank you for sharing, I'm sorry for what ykuu went through. I think that when you have those sort of relationships your whole life is spent grieving what should have been / what you missed. I can feel that some big time manipulation is going to start any time soon. I have recently ended a relationship where I was constantly manipulated, I feel like I'm going through a series of tests right now.
Not trying to detract from the stress we're all under right now with corona etc but this feels particularly ironic when I am working really hard to simplify my life right now.
I feel guilty saying all this, after all this is literally (potentially), life and death.
I feel slightly vindicated inasmuch as I'm not the only family member who has extricated themselves fromm this relationship. If it were just me I might jump straight back in

I love how some people are great for telling others "we need to give and forget and blood is thicker than water"...bullshit.

No one has to forgive and forget...completely a matter of choice.

OP, this changes NOTHING.

The choices you made were based on what was best for you.

The person who hurt you hasn't changed and won't.

You need to continue to protect yourself.

By doing that you protect your children.

Speaking to your therapist would be good if you feel that will help.

Try not to think of the past...which you can't change...or the future which you can't dictate.

Focus on today and minding yourself and your children.

Protect yourself first.
Wishing you well

Hopefully your therapist can help with this.

Your family members can make decisions for themselves, but not for you. Suggest assertiveness techniques to deal with them, eg “broken record” with the same phrase, not entering into long discussions.

Also, if you would like to seek support from (unconnected) friends, you are not obliged not to discuss your relative’s situation just because the “flying monkeys” have asked you not to.

Thanks Billy and dozer and everyone else. So nice to hear rational thought. I have had a ful on day of parenting and am beyond exhausted now, I have work the rest of the week which will help distract me and then hopefully next week will be further news and I can reassess my position then.
I feel like I'm being really cold. This isn't my usual reactionary behavior. Had I not been having therapy I'd have thrown myself straight into the lion's cage last night!
I'm usually the martyr and the fixer but I'm working really hard to focus my energy on my own family unit and my home and work and then see what I have left to give.

Well clearly you have self awareness in that you realise you like to adopt the role of fixer and martyr....

How do those roles support and benefit your children?

Well done for not jumping in...

Focus on your needs and being kind to yourself during this difficult time in the world.

It does need more complicating...

Being a fixer and a martyr are thankless jobs that don't help you in your recovery...

Wishing you well👍

Thank you @billy1966 those roles do not support and benefit my children! I really appreciate this online support and logic to help keep me focused!
Wishing you well too