Husband texting female employee

[Karen653]

Hi,

Really need some advice, I'm very confused and don't know if I'm being totally irrational. I just feel my husband is too close with a girl he manages at work who is 10 years younger than him.

A while back they went on a team night out and he went out of his way to offer to walk her back to the station afterwards, the whole wider team was there but only he offered. Once he had dropped her off, gone midnight, he got in the cab and continued to text her. I saw her texts and they were innocent just saying how the night was good etc. and she said 'let me know you get home ok'. I found that a bit odd as he is a grown man and her boss so I'm not sure why she would ask him that.

After that I noticed that she quite often would text him late in the evenings not about work. They have a small group chat for his team of three, but she chooses to send him private messages and so I said to him I think this is a bit weird now and asked him not to respond to her out of work hours if it's not work related which he agreed to.

But this week I noticed that she has text him most nights with funny meme's etc. Two evenings he replied back to her and had watched a couple of videos that she had sent, which he must have done behind my back as I would have been with him at that time. He didn't tell me he was still texting so it was a bit of a shock and has upset me quite a bit. I had asked that he not do that but it doesn't look like he cares enough to stop.

I get that the texts are innocent but I feel like this is blurring the line between manager and employee. I feel something he is doing is encouraging this and he doesn't seem to take any of the responsibility. I think he just overly nice to her, texting her things like 'stay safe' which is just a bit odd and I'm worried she might be interpreting that wrong. I wouldn't text my boss in a private message every evening and I don't think I would ask him to text me he got home safe after a team event.

Sorry for ranting on but any help would be appreciated
Thanks in advance!

Does he have form for cheating? I ask because you seem very involved in his phone usage without a sudden change in his behaviour.

Are you generally an insecure person? Lack of confidence ? Has he ever cheated before ?

Oh dear. It seems that maybe she has a bit of a crush on him. And he doesn't seem to have realised that it is inappropriate and put a stop to it.

Either that or the other way round.

Put your foot down.

People on here will tell you it’s lack of confidence, it’s you, are you jealous blah blah blah and when your married it’s easy to notice people’s ‘phone useage’. Don’t listen to them. It is not you... and that is not a normal relationship, he hasn’t necessarily done anything ‘wrong’ but I would say it’s crossing a line... especially as he is her boss!

My wife is pretty easy-going but I don't think that she would be happy with me having that kind of relationship with a female colleague. It does feel like crossing a line as @Changedname78 suggested.

Lol when people say "put your foot down".

Yes, give your DH a firm talking to to remind him that you are in charge and he is not to do what he would prefer to do because you're the parent and he's the child and he's to listen to you when you get huffy...??

OP, you can't police this sort of thing unless you want to be painted as the controlling harpy. Which, if there is something going on, just plays into the narrative and makes any illicit chat or frissons more appealing.

Leave him to it. Let him show you who he is.

Personally my dp has plenty of female friends, including those at work, and they send each other memes all the time, including in the evening, and it's fine. If it ever ended up not being fine, well, i guess that's the end of the relationship then.

It's not brain surgery. The trick is to remember that what your DH does isn't a reflection on you, or your worth. Neither is it something you can control. If he wants to be a twat, so be it.

Thanks for all your advice, it's just helpful to get other people's opinions. I just don't know if I'm blowing it out of proportion but when I ask myself would I do this with a guy I managed who is 10 years younger, I just wouldn't.

I don't think he would cheat, but he has lied to me in the past so it just makes me insecure. I know it's not healthy to look at his phone, but every time I do I get a different story to what he is telling me so then it makes it worse.

What else has he lied to you about ?, I dare say that if the shoe was on the other foot he would not like this one bit. by the way, does he disparage people who cheat?.

He is playing with fire here and I would also read about emotional affairs. This with her could well be one an emotional affair and she is no friend of your marriage.

What is he getting out of this, is he enjoying being her Father confessor or knight in shining armour here?

His actions are no reflection on you as a person, this is all on him. It’s not your fault this is happening, this is all on him. This other woman owes you nothing, it’s he you need to speak to. As her boss he should know far better than to act like this, he feels entitled to act like this.

You say he’s lied to you in the past. What about?

@Karen653

I don't think he would cheat, but he has lied to me in the past so it just makes me insecure

So he lies to you, and you suffer feelings of insecurity about the relationship.

Can I ask what has happened in your life that's caused you to stay in a relationship with a person who lies to you and makes you feel insecure?

Putting aside the texting. Because honestly, that is a red herring if you already acknowledge that he lies to you, that you know he lies to you, and that his lies make you feel shit.

All business is people business! And personally, I quite like the fact that I work with many people whom I genuinely like - including my boss and several of my employees.

Now, this is job-specific, but: when I've had a hard time at work through no fault of my own, my lovely, compassionate, kind boss would call me just to have a chat (actually: to make sure I was okay).

Now that I'm isolated and separated from my whole family, my boss texts sometimes, or calls under some pretext but mostly to have a bit of a chat - in reality, it's because he likes me and wants to make sure I'm okay.

In a similar vein, when I see that he's having a hard time I'll text or call - sometimes using a pretext and sometimes not - to make sure he's okay.

We do this because we like one another. I do the same with my employees (both male and female - I'm a heterosexual woman). I don't intend to get sexually or romantically involved with any of them, ever.

I just ... like them. And they like me, too. And I happen to think that's sort of a goof thing, seeing as I normally (current WFH rules aside) spend more waking hours a day with these people than with my own family.

I'd be horrified if someone's wife thought my relationship with her husband was inappropriate on account of that. But also, I'd be horrified if I couldn't have a laugh and friendships with people I work with anymore out of fear that someone might take offense.

It’s a bit of a long story and you probs need the context but he basically has lied on a couple of occasions about who he is with. Then later it came out who he was actually with and he said that he didn’t want me to cause an issue over nothing.

When I talk to him in person he makes me feel reassured like how could I have doubted him or our relationship. I genuinely believe his reasons come from a good place and don’t think he could cheat but little things build up and when I take a step back I feel like this might not be ok. If I say something upsets me and he does it anyway it feels like he is putting this girls feelings before my own.

Oh dear. It seems that maybe she has a bit of a crush on him.

I text many work colleagues, including my boss. I don't have a crush on any of them.

I think expecting to monitor your partner's texts and to dictate who they cannot speak to is coercive control.

Then later it came out who he was actually with and he said that he didn’t want me to cause an issue over nothing.

If he's just lying when you question him about who he speaks to because he doesn't want you to be upset then I think that's understandable.

What is he getting out of this, is he enjoying being her Father confessor or knight in shining armour here?

She's sending him memes.

My boss msged me today about a mistake I made last Monday when we were tidying up to close.

Your post made me think of that, and our conversation. I think it's nice to have an element of keep-in-touch, but I do think it's inappropriate to have personal conversations outside the group chat - unless she's not in the group chat? AND I don't think it's appropriate to message ANYONE too late, other than family/close friends.

I'd keep an eye on the situation and let him know that if it could possibly be misconstrued (eg screenshot to HR) best not send it, and consider establishing a better boundary. It's not good to be too familiar. See how he responds to that, and you'll have an idea about his motivation...

Personally I think he’s playing with fire. She could accuse him of anything. Work should remain in a professional capacity only. If he is senior, she could you this as a bit of leverage (in many different manipulative ways). Aside to this, if your senses are heightened and he has made you question your trust previously I would watch and wait. If there’s something fishy it will more than likely out.

I am always a great believer in following your intuition. If you feel that there is something wrong, then their probably is.

Your husband should know better if he is in a position of authority. She is irrelevant. He is behaving in an inappropriate way towards his seniors and he knows it.

But, there is nothing you can do. As someone else said, you can’t police him. He’ll find a way to do as he pleases.

If it were me I would probably speak to him something along the lines of:

“Both you and I know that this texting is inappropriate. Not just because of your position at work, but you are also risking our family. I have asked you nicely to stop, but I can’t make you do that. It’s your choice, don’t bother trying to play this down,
I’m aware what is going on”.

And to those who say texting your boss in the evening is perfectly normal, it really isn’t. If only for work life balance.

And to those who say texting your boss in the evening is perfectly normal, it really isn’t. If only for work life balance.

Are people seriously suggesting that you cannot have a good and mutually supportive relationship that exceeds the purely professional, though?

I may be biased here because, see username, I'm an expat. I've met every single friend I have around here via work. Some of them were or still are subordinates or bosses.

Even worse: some of them were or still are clients!

I wouldn't have a friend in the world here if colleagues were off limits as friends - and not a big pool to pick friends from if bosses and subordinates were always out by default.

Yes, it has its challenges. You find your boundaries on these relationships: So, I might text my boss a funny meme or a piece of music that I know he'll enjoy. I will ask about his well-being when I get the feeling that he's not okay - and he does the same for me.

But I will not broach the subject of my next performance review. And, for obvious reasons, this whole thing only works because we settle professional conflicts on the spot and not at review time.

Still, IMO, the notion of a strict separation between your work life and your personal life is pretty unrealistic on the whole. This might work if your job is in a shop where you turn up at ten to nine, work till ten past five and then switch off. In a job like mine, where you'll finish presentations over the weekend and speak to your team from some deck chair at a hotel pool in Bali (as if, at present ...) while also trying to ensure your kid doesn't drown in the pool or knock over the poor waiter, it's kind of not a feasible model.

All I can say is that having opposite sex colleagues text at all times and very frequently (especially annoying if they are young and attractive too) feels like something you have to be cool about and many of us are, until it totally comes to bite you on the arse. I would be very interested in how many people who have been on the receiving end of this kind of thing that turned out to be not ‘just good friends’ feel quite so cool and blasé about it in further relationships.

You were understandably uncomfortable with their level of contact. You set a boundary and
he agreed. Now you’ve discovered that he has dismissed your feelings and disregarded his agreement. He lied to you and prioritized his connection with her.

He has lied in the past about whom he was with and then blamed you. No. You are not responsible for his unethical behavior. He chose to lie and his blame-shifting is manipulative.

I would not trust this man. Why isn’t lying a dealbreaker for you?

I'd be worried, if he isnt like this with everyone. Does he have a lot of text type banter with his friends? Is he the one that stays a bit more sober and checks everyone got home ok etc? If so then I would be less bothered but if he is treating this girl differently to how he treats his other friends then I think it's an issue. I say this as someone who around half my good friends are Male and I text them a lot, but I always have done, and my husband often becomes friends with then as well. I'd say trust your instincts.

Your not being irrational. 1) it’s inappropriate as he is her boss 2) you don’t know her, it could be innocent from your husbands side but what is her motive? I have absolutely no desire to message my male boss memes and randomly chat to him! I would certainly wouldn’t say “let me know your home safe”, I think that’s weird. I would be furious if I had already had the discussion you have had with you DH about it. Make your boundaries clear and stand up for yourself. Many people will disagree with me but I think this is how affairs start. Innocently building a friendship that develops further. Your husband is being irresponsible and paying her too much attention in my opinion.

What is her situation - married, kids etc? Maybe she is lonely and this lockdown means she is looking for a friendly face to message and keep in touch with. Nothing from your post makes me think he would be up to no good. If it was a male colleague would you mind?

Just another point of view but my boss is ten years older than me, happily married with kids and I'm happily married with kids. He'd once walked to meet me at a station for our Christmas party because he didn't want me walking around a town I didn't know.
If we've spent a day traveling together he would probably say 'let me know you get home ok'
And we do often send silly memes and have brief conversations
It means absolutely nothing on either side but then again we often conference call with my husband or his wife in the background. I think it just means we have a good working relationship.

What rvby posted; all of it. It astonishes me that some posters honestly believe that they have rights and ownership of another person. We don't - not ever - we have rights that other people give us, we don't own them ever.

But OP, your husband doesn't have the rights over your relationship either and, if you are dissatisfied with his behaviour then you have the right to decide how you will manage that.