Is *anyone* potentially susceptible to being emotionally abused?

[UnderMyOwnThumb]

I'm struggling to understand what - if anything - is going on with an old friend. She used to be an extremely close friend, and we spoke a lot.

She has been married for 5 years, and since then she hardly speaks to me. Her DH, whom I've met only a handful of times (because they've moved), seems to put her down a lot and make her friends feel unwelcome. They've also moved up to Scotland (all friends and family in Southern England) because he wanted to for his job, although she clearly doesn't like it. There is also something just a bit "off" in their relationship which I can't put my finger on.

Basically, she no longer responds to messages much at all, and I don't know whether to back off (perhaps she just doesn't want to pursue our friendship for some reason, which is of course her choice - or maybe she's just too busy with two toddlers) or to keep trying/pestering.

If this were anyone else, I think how he is with her would make me wonder about coercive control, but I cannot make this add up with what I know of my friend.
She is extremely bright, successful (academic with international reputation) and beautiful (which I think threatens him), but also she is such an independent character. She was single - and happily so - for years before him. I suppose my question is whether abusive situations happen frequently with very unexpected people? She would be the very last person I would expect to be in such a relationship. Does this mean anything at all about what might be going on?

Strong, independent types are just as likely to be abused as anyone else, in my experience.

Sorry, got distracted and pressed send too soon.

I think I’d send her a message, just saying how much you miss her and value your friendship but that it doesn’t matter if you don’t speak for decades, you will always be at the end of the phone if she needs you.

If it’s innocent, then no harm done. If it’s not, then she knows you’ll be there if and when she’s able to leave.

I think I’d send her a message, just saying how much you miss her and value your friendship but that it doesn’t matter if you don’t speak for decades, you will always be at the end of the phone if she needs you.

If it’s innocent, then no harm done. If it’s not, then she knows you’ll be there if and when she’s able to leave.

I think this is incredibly wise advice.

I was in an abusive relationship (and then another one) and if I had a quid for every time someone said I was the last person they thought would be, I would be minted.

Owned my own business, academic, outgoing, known for being gobby and strong. Sometimes I wonder if abusers are attracted to women who excite them and then they hate them for not being the type to naturally stand down and do as we are told... so they are extra clever in breaking you down and enjoy the process and the results.

Not to say he is necessarily an abuser at all, sometimes people just drift apart as you know. But the message above is perfect I think and it leaves the door open whatever is going on without too much pressure.

You sound like a lovely friend

I think to be honest the only type of person who can't be abused is someone who already has been abused, has healed, and developed incredible boundaries.

Intelligent, successful, 'strong' women are just as much at risk.

Agree with @Sn0tnose suggested message

The suggested message is good — the kind of attitudes I see a lot on Mn (Oh, she hasn’t replied to my last six messages, so I’m cutting loose from the friendship) aren’t conducive to anyone feeling they can ask for help, because they haven’t ‘kept up’ their friendships.

And absolutely, you don’t need to be plain, unsuccessful or intellectually backward to be abused.

Thank you, all. This is very helpful. I'll go with your suggestion, @Sn0tnose.

@BackseatCookers, I'm sorry about your previous relationships, and very pleased to hear you got out.

That's interesting @NotNowPlzz. I guess most people (myself included) don't initially know what to look for.

@Palavah, yes, that does make sense.

Yes, @WalledGarden, agreed. It was the independent part which I meant, really. The other parts (success, intelligence, beauty) I gave partly for context, and I suppose to be indicative of the wide range of choices she technically has (e.g., financial expertise and independence; has been widely desired by men, etc.). I was thinking restricted choice might be a factor in making women likely to be abused.

Some misogynists and all abusers are misogynists, enjoy taking down an independent, intelligent woman. They do it because they hate women and like reducing her to something less than.

Absolutely anyone, no matter their education level, status or background, can become a victim of domestic abuse. People often don't understand domestic abuse and don't realise they're being abused and society conditions women to save relationships and carry the burden of fixing them. What they should be doing is running as far and as fast as they can in the opposite direction.

I would get in contact and let her know that you're there for her and that you miss her since she moved. Abusers isolate in order to further control and dominate so it's no surprise she's hundreds of miles away from her support network.

Strength and intelligence and success are no defence to being abused. It's all about healthy boundaries and we learn about those from our parents, and our childhood and the relationships we experienced/saw in our early lives. It's about self-worth and self esteem. The people I know who have been the most abused do have difficult childhoods, or distant parents

the people who are more likely to fall victim to an abuser, are unable to put in place the boundaries they need to. Plus abusers are clever. it's gradual and insidious so you barely know its happening. it doesn't start off bad on day 1.

I agree with advice - do keep in touch with your friend - it can't harm. Fwiw it does sound as though she's become isolated by him, and having young children is also a time that people are most trapped with an abusive partner (and a way in fact that abusive partners do trap women - get them pregnant and they are even more vulnerable).

Gosh yes. Some guys like to break a "strong" woman. Education etc are no defence.

Yes, anybody. And it's not just men abusing women. Women can emotionally abuse just as much as men.

If the abuse is done well, it's so insidious that the abused doesn't even realise their self esteem is being eroded until it's much too late. The more independent the victim, the better the prize for the abuser.

Cast iron boundaries would make you immune, but nobody can have a loving relationship without chinks in the armour/forgiveness of 'foibles'. That's where the abuse creeps in.

Sadly sometimes the stronger you are, the longer you stay. Because you have more strength and inner resources to cope and it takes longer to hit rock bottom.

Although there are some groups more at risk of being abused- women who endured childhood abuse, women with disabilities etc- it can technically happen to anyone and plenty of examples exist of it happening to women with good careers and stuff.

I agree with sending the message the PP suggested, but also still keep lines of communication open- don't make the message seem like a goodbye/bye for now if you see what I mean. Keep reaching out now and again and asking how she's doing or whatever, so it's less of a 'jump' for her to make to contact you. x

100 percent agree, reaching out to your friend and letting her know you are there.
I would have been deemed a strong, independent, educated woman who was in an abusive relationship. But society tells you 'marriage is hard' 'keep at it' 'the kids' I have since learnt that it's only hard if you're in the wrong relationship.