1 Year apart

[Graham1994]

Hi all,

I just wanted to share my experience of being on the receiving end of a break up.

We broke up early last year me and my ex girlfriend. She moved onto somebody else within 2 months and started going out partying, doing drugs and acting completely different to who she was in our relationship.

The last year has been hell on my part. I’ve still be going out enjoying life and trying to keep busy with a new job, sport, friends etc. However, I still have this dull ache in my stomach that hasn’t seemed to go away because I miss her so much.

Towards the end of last year and especially this year up to now I had been doing extremely better and slowly but surely healing and thinking off her less. However, I have heard news that she is now pregnant with her boyfriend of only a few months. This has completely thrown me and has set me back a lot in recovery.

I suppose I always had that subconscious hope we would rekindle but this has made that dead and buried.

I know people say you’ve got to move on and live your life etc but when it’s you and your feelings, that is somewhat difficult to do.

I can see why we broke up and the reasons for that but the fact that she moved on so quick and now has a baby on the way makes me sick to my stomach.

She was my first real relationship of 3 years and I got on so well with all her family.

At this moment in time I feel lost and really really low.

I do still love her.

I was wondering if anybody had any advice or has experienced something similar?

Thanks. G.

Unfortunately mate the answer is to follow most of the clichés.
Time is the healer,and the fact that she moved on so quickly shows what kind of person she is and how different you both were.
If its been a year then youve already seen the worst of recovery,have probably celebrated both of your birthdays,Xmas and every other cutting milestone apart for the first time,so youre already on your way to recovery I reckon. Some people that we meet just leave an indelible scar on us,and I say this as a guy that took a couple of years to recover from a difficult relationship that I ended due to the chaos she caused,and it still wasnt easy to walk away from (she went straight into another relationship too)
Looking back Im glad she happened and even more glad that it ended,nothing is forever,not even heartbreak. Weve all been there mate,sucks when its your turn though-Dont let her define you,nobody deserves that kind of power over you.

Thanks for your response! It took a hell of a lot of time to get to this point, this news has just set me back that’s all.

I think the reason why it’s taking so long is the fact I worked with her all the time and spent a hell of a lot of time around her outside of work.I even said to her at one point we were spending too much time together. She was having none of it though and wanted to spend most of her time with me. Probably what led us to break up.

We spent that much time together that it has left a huge hole in my life.

It just baffles me the speed of which her new relationship seems to be travelling. I suppose you learn from your mistakes.

Even after a year, despite sleeping with 2 other women, I really do not feel like dating anybody else and opening up to a new woman.

I hope this feeling will fade and one day I can move on.

Has anybody had counselling after a breakup? Would it be something to maybe consider to get it all out my system?

G

Theyre all completely natural emotions to have,and all of those emotions are bound to happen,so just tick them off as they happen and put them behind you as they do. Same for me,I went online dating and met some lovely women,and for the first two years regretted every date, fling and relationship as I still wasnt over my ex.
But on the 3rd year,I met a fabulous woman that Im still with now,almost 3 years later,so recovery will happen,but you need to move past her rather than wallow in the past. My mantra for ages was that shes now somebody elses problem,which helped me a lot once Id adjusted to that way of reminiscing.
I didnt consider counselling as I had good friends and family to confide in,maybe consider it if you dont have people to open up to.
It absolutely does get better,she`ll always be a part of your history so you just have to adjust the way you view her and leave her in the past

This might sound bad but you won't feel any worse than you do now because finding out she's pregnant is really the final nail in the coffin of your relationship. It has made you realise there is no going back now so you need to grieve this loss now. Give yourself time but i suspect it won't take you as long this time to feel better about things and be ready to move on. It will get better.

This news will set you free, as cliched as that sounds. Time to accept it is truly over and let her go for good.

Thanks again for your responses.

It has hit me like a ton of bricks I am not going to lie. I was sat playing games with my family, enjoying myself and laughing within these tough times of Covid-19, and then I hear the news she’s pregnant and a grey cloud descends upon me.

I’m sat here now typing this out with a heavy heart and all I can think about are the great times we had together. My first relationship and my first love.

My concentration levels are low and motivation has dipped ever since I found out. I look at other people who find new partners and wonder how they move on.

With all my effort, with all my self confidence I can muster, with all my pain, I try each day but she never leaves my mind.

I genuinely feel like I have lost my right arm even after a year.

I put so much in emotionally and I feel flattened. Suffering from depression for the past 5 years and now this, I feel like this dull ache will never pass.

Time definitely is a healer and that dull ache in your stomach will go away, Love is brutal when it falls apart but you will get better.

Was she your first love?

Maybe she is on the rebound, it certainly always is when it’s a new relationship and pregnancy so quickly.

Just seen that she was your first love, that hurt is always the worst and I went through the same when I split up with mines, he cheated on me with a stunningly beautiful girl who honestly looked like a movie star, and then they had a 3 year relationship, it was awful and my self esteem was non existent, I was with him a year and it took me nearly a year to get over him.

You will move on, I promise and the pain gets less intense with time and then eventually you will feel nothing for her, I feel nothing for my ex now, I remember how much I loved him but I don’t remember the strong feelings I had for him iyswim.

Thank you for you response. That has help my mood a little. What do you mean by on the rebound? I’m not familiar with all these kind of terms.

I know what we had was real and it was almost a mutual breakup but slightly her initiating more.

I cannot believe that this time last year I whisked her away for her special birthday weekend on top of the world and roll forward a year, she’s pregnant in a few month relationship.

I wish she would just stop clouding my mind all the time.

I know you feel shit now but hopefully you will find that this discovery will help you heal. As you say you always held out hope that you will rekindle and now that has gone. You will heal. We all do. Its always worse when they move on before you have let go emotionally but it really draws a line under it.
This is probably your lowest point and from here you will rise.

Rebound is when you come out of a serious relationship only to get into another one too fast without healing from the one you’ve just came out of, as in it’s only been months and she is already pregnant to another man, it’s like a shotgun relationship iyswim?

Stay busy, well as busy as one can be at a time like this, and this may take your mind off of her just a little.

Sounds like a rebound to me too. It's all a bit fast

Hey @Graham1994
Sorry you are going through this, it's a savage hurt and I feel your pain ( ex just changed his profile pic to him and his new GF) knocked me sideways after 6 months.. apparently time heals, it's hard during this lockdown too as fewer distractions, I wish I could give advice but I'm in a similar place, I just dont know what to do with these feelings...

As PP have said - it is a cliché but time definitely does heal. And it's not a straight line - sometimes it will hurt more than others.

My first love finished with me after nearly 3 years. The first year after that we continued to see each other socially a reasonable amount of time and often I was fine but there were moments which were like a punch in the stomach - like when we hung Xmas decorations including mistletoe but he didn't kiss me under it (4 mths after we split up); or another occasion when I saw him kissing another girl in a nightclub (about 6 mths after we split up), and so on. I got to a place where I was very comfortable with being around him just as friends but then it felt like another blow a few years later when I heard through mutual friends that he was getting married. But then I got comfortable with that too. I smile at all those memories now including the memories of the moments which hurt at the time.

So don't beat yourself up for finding this recent announcement of her pregnancy difficult. It's bound to be a shock. But you'll get used to the idea. And you'll reach the point where you can enjoy the memories of your relationship without needing to be back in it.

And someone else will come along who kindles your interest and it will flow from there.