Sexless marriage not sure if gay or just me

[Anon20201]

Early 30’s. 2 kids. Not had sex for over a year. Feel really resentful and upset hearing of people talking about all the babies that will be born in December due to lockdown I know I shouldn’t feel resentful. I just keep feeling I’m missing out on intimacy. I don’t want to leave him. He’s a decent enough guy and we have a comfortable life. He’s never been interested in me physically and I’ve put weight on over years as I feel lonely. I don’t know if he’s gay. I just feel like I’m missing out on life. I feel lonely and feel no connection, I just want to feel loved but, sorry I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling. Anyone been in similar position? How do you know if husband is gay?

You might never know if he's gay. You might spend hours googling and thinking about it after being rejected, or coming up with other possible reasons - low testosterone, porn addiction, abusive childhood.
It might slowly drive you crazy and chip away at your self esteem.
A lot depends on your husband's willingness to listen, to communicate, to get help if needed, to truly value your needs, to be honest.
And that's something I didn't get from mine.

He might be gay. He may just not be into you.

The question you need to be asking yourself OP is how much do you love him to put up and shut up?

Is this the life you want ?

If not, then something has to change.

Good luck

I don't think being gay is the only possibility- have there been indicators to make you think this?
It could be as a pp said, damage from the past which has effected how he sees himself, trust issues ( from his past maybe)

Have you spoken to him.about it?

He's probably not gay. The only way you will know if he talks, really talks in depth, about what's happening with him. And then, just as important, you both work out some plan to fix this, with clear steps so he can't just procrastinate. If hes unwilling or unable to do either, you might have to consider leaving him.

I can relate as I've recently had a sexless period in my 20+ year relationship, due to sexual abuse both as a child and an adult. However, I'm going through therapy - I essentially hate myself. You have to realise that this isn't your problem, you're definitely not to blame. You need to realise the only person who can change this status quo is him.

"He's never been interested in me physically" - so has sex always been lacking in your relationship? Have you never discussed this with him before? He obviously did what was necessary for you to conceive so he is capable.

A man in his early 30s would usually need to satisfy his urges pretty often, at least weekly, do you know if he masturbates? Could there be another woman, or another man?

As Scott72 says, you need to talk about this and make a plan. He needs to understand your need for satisfaction and find ways of meeting it and he should be willing to do this. A relationship is about both partners seeking to satisfy each other sexually, without that it is just a friendship.

@Anothernick "He needs to understand your need for satisfaction and find ways of meeting it and he should be willing to do this."

Does that work the other way round?

If so, I'll mention this to my DW and see how I get on.

There can be lots of reasons but one of the most common is that he just isn’t sexually attracted to you anymore but will never tell you that. He may love you still and not want to hurt you. He also won’t want to be the “bad guy” who brings things to an end as he may not want to leave his family. His need for that may be greater than his need for sex.

It’s hard to face that as being the reason though because a shattered self worth and esteem could be even worse if this comes out.

Have you spoken to him about it?

Withholding of sex can be a way of emotionally abusing.

I wonder what most men's reaction might be if this thread was read aloud to them - OP maybe start with you? At least it would get the question out there??

OP, any chance you could see his internet usage? His search history will tell you a lot (if he hasn't deleted it).

If you're upset now in your early 30s, you will hate him when you're in your 40s. He won't magically find his libido. If not gay, he's probably asexual or addicted to porn. Either way, you will drive yourself crazy trying to find out and waste even more years on him.

Oh, I could have written this. But about my wife.

I'm pretty sure she's asexual but she won't talk about it so who knows.

Gay? With no evidence that's quite the assumption

@tallah - it's one of the main defaults here - gay, porn addict or asexual.

It's never anything that the woman has done or is/isn't doing.

@PrawnSacrifice oh Jesus, I certainly wasn't going to blame her either

@PrawnSacrifice

Why the need to apportion blame?

'gay, porn addict or asexual' are the most common reasons when an OP says her husband has never been sexually interested in her. Op needs to evaluate the situation and decide if she wants to stay in a sexless situation.

@tallah
@SharonasCorona

There's no blame, it's just that I notice that in threads where there is a sexual imbalance and it is the man who desires less or no sex, the thread always seems to point toward a problem with the man, seldom questioning whether there is a problem with the relationship or the woman's behaviour. Posters are all too eager to call out gay, asexual or porn addict.

On the contrary, should a man ever be brave enough to come on here looking for advice as to why his wife doesn't want sex, the common response is that it must be something that the man is doing wrong, as opposed to questioning whether the woman is gay or asexual etc.

I just notice a difference in approach where seldom do people question whether the woman is part of the problem. I'm not saying it is in this case, more passing comment that I see a definite pattern of inequality.

@Prawn I guess that’s true to an extent. For my own part, I try not to fall into that trap. We all need intimacy. I have no sympathy for the men whose partners post to say their husbands/partners are badgering them for sex all time, rubbing against them in the kitchen, feeling their breasts with kids in the next room, touching up a woman whilst she’s sleep. Men tend not to post that their partners are doing these things to them, it’s the women who post that.

Op, other than the fact he doesn’t wish to have sex with you, has there ever been an indication he was attracted to men? Clearly if you’ve had two kids, sex did occur at some point?

He needs to understand your need for satisfaction and find ways of meeting it and he should be willing to do this

Wtaf! If someone said a woman needed to do this for a man there would be an outcry, no one is owed sex. Even spouses have the right to say no.

Ha, that's the narrative here.
If she's uninterested in sex, it must be his fault.
If he's uninterested in sex, it must be his fault.

But seriously, in a situation like OPs there's little chance of a satisfactory resolution, unfortunately.