You knew what s/he was like when you married her/him - is this reasonable?

[bossykate]

See many Mnet threads passim.

No, IMHO.

The marriage ceremony does not fix the relationship in amber, making it immutable evermore. In fact, the marriage vows are designed to illustrate the potential for change during the marriage, e.g. in sickness and in health, for better for worse, for richer for poorer etc.

IMO, a marriage requires continuous renegotiation and redefinition in the face of life changes - the most relevant example to Mumsnetters is of course the arrival of children.

So - "you knew the score when you married..." is not a valid reason to cling to the status quo when the circumstances require change.

Discuss.

dino, will email you tonight

I have been thinking about this, since I read it from work (where I don't post); and I came home and asked DP what he thought too, as we appear - rather amazingly - to have moved on from a really, really bickering and nasty place over the past few months.

I think that if anything what you have to expect is change, over a period - especially one where you throw in the life-warping stuff of parenthood. People change. They change about whether they want children. About how many children they want. About politics. Drink. Smoking. Religion. Vegetarianism. Money. All sorts. The dynamic, to some extent anyway, is change - and sometimes considerable change.

I don't know how that relates to whether one person can change another - but they can make changes for another. Yes, as DP put it, 'you can dig your heels in but that's just masking selfishness', going on to admit that he'd found that you have to make some changes and concessions, you really do.

Er: this probably doesn't add much, does it...

agree, mi!

bump for more ruminations today.

Am reminded of the old joke about the mantra of the bride who gets married in church:

"Aisle Altar Hymn... Aisle Altar Hymn..."

lol!

i'm really talking about marriages responding to changing circumstances not self-deluded people who proactively plan to try and change someone!

I know, but I wanted to make a cheap joke....

Seriously, I agree to a great extent. But I suppose if you know someone is just not a particular kind of person - tidy, a morning person, organised - you must know it's going to take a lot to get them motivated to change.

i do think you marry a person BECAUSE of how they are, you found something in them you fell in love with and wanted to spend the rest of your life with that person.

I think the problems arise when your circumstances change and you both deal with it differently (for example kids arriving)....you find your partners behaviour unexpected and it shocks you. You feel you knew them well enough to think you knew how they would deal with any situation. I think we are niave to think we know someone that well, but all the same i am guilty of exactly this.

My husband and I got married - he was always and still is a grumpy bugger at times and i dealt with it - it was how he was.....my serious error of judgement was that I thought I could change that and make him happy over time. I thought the arrival of our twins would change that too.....he got worse, but he only got worse due to my pressure on him to BE HAPPIER. 3 years down the line and i have relaxed my grip and he is still a grumpy bugger, but he enjoys my company and the company of his kids as i am not on his back about "cheer up, why can't you be happy, whats the matter".

Anyway i think my point, buried deep in my waffle is, 'you knew what he/she was like when you married him/her' is valid as long as you married for the right reasons in the first place....i.e. deep down he/she is a decent person, you are in love and are well suited.....i guess if you married on a whim and found things out post the wedding that you couldn't agree with or deal with then perhaps you didn't know what they were like when you married them.

I mean if someone has a character trait that you don't like then presumably you wouldn't have married that person?