At which point do you tell a new partner about previous domestic abuse?

[TinyStripe]

Just that really. It is too early to talk about it now. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks and to be honest I don't really want to talk about it yet. If things get serious though (I feel they were starting to before Covid-19 happened), I would like him to know. There are things that still challenge me and probably always will. I have a permanent restraining order against my ex and as someone who was sexually abused by him, I find sex with someone new slightly nerve wracking. Thoughts? It's bothering me a bit?

Whenever you feel comfortable enough, over time you will heal and it will be less painful to talk about. Take your time and take care of yourself.

to be honest I personally wouldn't for quite a while maybe a year when I knew them properly and could be sure they wouldn't use it again me and /or see it as an opportunity .

It's one of my biggest fears. Telling him and not realising that he's an abuser himself and will use it against me.

I would be worried they would use it against you from verbally to physically. If you feel they might then what=is the point in continuing the relationship?

I told dh after a couple of weeks about something I had gone through as a child because I knew I really liked him, I figured if he would leave me then better after two weeks than six months.

I know that experiences seems to contradict what I initially said but I think it still stands.

I told hubby within days we’d already talked about his mental illness, we’ve always been able to talk.

NEVER!!!!!!!!

I told mine, who was emotionally abusive so I didn't see the signs straight away, and he saw as it as I would keep taking it as I had previously.

My ex is a police officer. So I never thought I would be so unsafe but he was a lot worse in the end.

If you truly believe this is a good person, the after 18-24 months that's when the official honeymoon period is over,
Good luck x

I don't think it's an option for me to never tell him. One day he's going to ask why my son's dad isn't around. I personally think it would be weird to be with someone who has a restraining order against their ex and not know.

One day he's going to ask why my son's dad isn't around

Fir the sake of argument, lots o children's dad's aren't around because they're useless deadbeat, selfish, lazy dickheads who can't be arsed and whose mum's give up.cgasing them, trying to force them to step up in any way. They esp tend to act like that when they get into a new steady relationship and act like their previous relationship/life doesn't exist, Inc the kids.

I would take a good long while - it takes a long time to get to know someone properly and see if you'd suit each other and if they're a genuinely decent, good for you and your child person.

I the meantime you can get to know each other gradually and if he asks, you can say the basic facts.

There's a definite danger that another abuser/type of abuser will latch onto it and use it - you don't know them.well enough until a year or two down the line.

I'm.not trying to be patronising here - I'll say straight I had a relationship with a man who at first seemed really well wonderful (I mean for four months), then things happened but I still thought they were for the most part great, then gradually I realised he was an abuser. I didn't even fully realise u til.after the relationship ended. I had opened up to him so much and he used it against me.

It really takes a while to get to know someone.

I told DH almost immediately, because my ex pushed DH down the stairs of my flat after letting himself in one night to rape me and finding DH there eating a slice of toast before going to work. I wanted him to know that I hadn't invited my ex and that I hadn't tried to set him up, because it could have seemed that way. Luckily DH was a decent sort and was horrified at what i had gone through, but thinking back i definitely took a huge risk because i didn't know him that well.

Have you had any counselling?

I would not divulge any information about DV/Abuse for quite a few years until you get to know this person really really well.
I made the mistake of telling my exh a couple of years into the relationship about DV/Abuse from a previous relationship not knowing that he was an Abuser at that point and a few years later he used carried out every scenario I had told him about...even things that I had told him were really big triggers for me.
I left him with and never had another relationship again as I was that traumatised by it all.
Especially trusting someone who had said he would never treat me that way...but he did.

I wouldn't open with it, because it places you in the role of 'victim' which isn't how you want him to perceive you (I have a theory that men who want to 'save' women are interested in a power imbalanced relationship). Id start with the restraining order rather than details of what happened.

All of the above is what thoughtful me would do. Really I'm an open book who would blurt it all out when it crossed my mind to do so. I don't advocate that unless you are really sure of him. It's hard in these times as presumably you are having a lot of contact that isn't in person, and it can lull you into a false sense of security / you can project what you want on each other.

Dating is not therapy. If you go around telling men you barely know about past traumas you very likely open yourself up to more of the same. I would not tell anything about it until in a long term stable relationship

I wouldn't.

Isn’t the advice not to tell anyone early on incase they are abusive so see you as a target, that is not saying anything about the person for people saying “why carry on if you think he would do that” the point is you don’t know him or if he would everyone is lovely when you first meet them. I would wait a year atleast. Have you posted this exact thing before though? as I’ve read this exact thing even the worry about the guy asking where your sons dad is?

When I did the Freedom Programme the facilitators told us not to tell future partners that previous relationship (s) were violent. They said it makes us vulnerable. I told my now husband when I was 100% sure he demonstrated no abusive traits.

I told a guy I was seeing that I’d been a victim and he suddenly wanted to know every detail and pushing me for information even wanted pictures of my ex ! He was swiftly ditched

I’d tread carefully. Op

I've been with DH 20 years. He still doesn't know everything. He doesn't need to.

I think I have told bits to my dp when it seemed pertinent so not the whole story.

I used to be quite open about stuff like this but think I have now learnt my lesson.

Recently got out of a toxic one year relationship with somebody who, if he wasn't mildly emotionally abusive was at least not as "nice" as he claimed to be. I foolishly told him a lot. Recently at the end of the relationship whenever I tried to discuss things he had been saying/doing that I didn't like it was twisted onto me saying I was always the victim, always wanted to be the victim etc. As recent as our last argument weekend just gone he used this when I tried to tell him about something he had said that made me feel bad.

So it was effectively used against me and used to 'win' arguments and to show how I was the terrible one and he always does nothing wrong ever and is perfect.

So now if I ever have another relationship (unlikely honestly I think now) it will only come out if I feel I know them very very well, after a long time, after I am 100% sure they are decent human beings.

Actually was more like a two year relationship, it was very off and on though. But now I realise even two years may be too early! You have to really be sure about them.

From a guys standpoint, this is a difficult one. On the one hand, it would be nice to know about the sensitivities of a partner, to know what may or may not be a trigger in an otherwise normal situation. On the other hand, I am not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who either consciously or subconsciously wants me to fix them.

My ex-wife was diagnosed NPD, and she was a very abusive partner. Once I ended the relationship and started dating again, there was a trigger incident that made me realize I was not necessarily ready to date again...

I showed up at a second date with a woman, and I had a cup of coffee with me. She, in retrospect playfully, but deadpan seriously asked me why I hadn't brought her any. I had an immediate internal flash of defensiveness because with my ex-wife, if I forgot or didn't have time to make her coffee in the morning before I left for work, there would be hell to pay.

At that point, I realized that I needed to work through things a bit more, because it wouldn't be fair to a future partner to feel as if they needed to avoid such mundane things as a damned cup of coffee.