Sex life problems - help!!!

[Ava678]

I would appreciate any help or insight here.

I am a 29 year old woman in my first same sex relationship we have been together for over a year. Unfortunately, I met my partner during a very rough patch with my mental health, and I feel like she has met me during the time I feel the worst about myself.
I have been receiving therapy and treatment for depression and am under the community mental health team. I have lost 2 stone in weight since becoming ill with my mental health, and although for some this would be a great thing, I actually am now underweight and I have lost a lot of my curves which made me feel confident. Additionally, the stress has triggered eczema which makes me feel uncomfortable and self conscious.

I really don't feel positive about how I look, and just a few weeks ago I had joined my local gym to try and build some muscle and gain some weight, so feel disheartened that the gyms are now closed!

Because of how low I have been feeling, and medications that I have been on (although I am currently not on any due to side effects) I really have no libido. I don't think about sex. I probably only feel horny really once a month just before my period!

Additionally, because of the stress of us managing my health (and I have had very low moments of self harm and a suicide attempt) obviously our relationship has taken a battering and we have had many stressful moments.

And lastly, because this is my first same sex relationship, from the start I felt very nervous about the sexual side of things. I felt so intimidated and worried and felt I was going to be useless! Even though I am a woman myself and should know what a woman likes, it is just SO different (and much harder) than being with a man. I felt so insecure that I was terrible in bed and that she would feel disappointed by me or be comparing me to her previous lovers.

All these factors have contributed to our sex life dwindling, and now it is probably only once a month for a good few months.

For months she has been feeling paranoid and insecure that I am not attracted to her and that I don't want her like she wants me. And I always try to reassure her and tell her that it isnt that at all, I just feel really insecure and don't have much confidence and need her direction/feedback. I felt like the last handful of times we had sex were much better, and that I took way more of an active role and gave her orgasm's. So I was feeling more optimistic that I could grow in confidence.

This morning she started kissing me in bed. And she went to put her hand down my knickers, and I said that I didnt want her to touch me because I am like the Amazon down there at the moment I know she doesn't care but I do! I also had morning breath, hairy legs and armpits and just didnt feel like a seductress at that moment in time!

I also need to add that I was raped 5 years ago, and this does affect me and sometimes I freeze during sex and can't continue, and I really worry about not being listened to when I say no. Now because I said no to being touched, her hands we kind of wandering and I just felt like she was going to touch me and I couldnt relax.

I also knew because I was out of the game that I would need to take the lead and this made me feel really nervous because it has probably been about 6 weeks since the last time. When we were kissing I kept thinking about her ex and if she was comparing me to her :(

Because I didnt "do anything" she just stopped and kind of laid there. And then she got up and was silent with me all morning.

We spoke about it and she said she doesnt feel wanted. When I said that I feel insecure she said that we have been together over a year so she doesnt believe that anymore. We both cried. I said I do want her, I just dont have much confidence and nearly everytime we have sex this same conversation happens and it makes me feel nervous because I immediately feel like I'm going to be doing it wrong or not good enough.

Yes we have been together over a year, but when you only have sex once a month it isnt really frequent enough to build your confidence as quickly as if it was all the time! But I just cant help that my libido is low at the moment. I fancy her and I want her, I just feel so low and down about myself that my sex drive is low.

Also where we have been arguing quite a lot that hasnt really sparked much desire in me. I need to feel good in our relationship and good in myself and then the sex will follow.

Help

Bump

There isn't really an answer. It sounds like you have a lot of hang ups and insecurities and are expecting to be fixed somehow. Like step 1 get fixed step 2 have sex. It doesn't work like that.

It might be that a romantic relationship just isn't what you need right now. Maybe you need to be on your own for a while and work on getting comfortable with yourself. You sound like you don't love yourself at all. That is sad yes but also your responsibility. No partner can do it for you, it's a bottomless pit trying to love someone who doesn't love themself.

If your partner is open to continuing to emotionally support you then you might be able to grow and develop within the relationship but honestly it sounds one sided. You have got to take more responsibility for accepting who you are and not trying to change yourself all the time. You are not a bad person. I don't know that you feel it though.

Thank you for your reply Pippa

Yes, I certainly need to work on loving myself and I know that is completely my responsibility, and something I am 100% committed to doing!

What do you mean when you say it sounds one sided? Do you mean my side or her side?

I do feel like I need to change..I need to get rid of this depression. I need to be happier and more confident and take more initiative in the bedroom

She shouldn't carry on touching you when she knows you don't want it, or give you the silent treatment if she doesn't get it. That's not good.

It sounds like being in a relationship right now is adding to your issues. I would bow out now and work on myself.

It sounds like being in a relationship right now is adding to your issues. I would bow out now and work on myself.

I'm afraid this sounds like the only option OP, this is damaging your mental health more because you're being confronted with the issue without working on it behind the scenes proactively.

You need to have counselling and work through these issues and I really think that's best done while single.

I can see from her POV too that although you sound lovely and this isnt a criticism of you, it must be really damaging her confidence and self esteem too.

Sometimes the timing isn't right and love isn't always enough.

After I was raped I found only time and a lot of counselling helped me resolve the issues this caused with sex. And of course they still crop up and probably always will, but they are background noise now rather than the default if that makes sense.

You poor thing, it's a horrific thing to go through and I understand how you are feeling at the moment - but being in a relationship while in the headspace you are now is only exacerbating the problem for you

Your insecurities will destroy this relationship and drive her away.

Not judging, I'm the same, but easier to advise others....

She wants you! She's trying it on with you. She wants sex. She wants intimacy. Try and believe in that. You really have to fight those demons and accept that she wants you, not her ex, YOU.

You know that if you carry on like this, you'll lose her. Trust her when she says she loves you, respond with love if she tries to kiss you. You love each other yet you both feel unloved! Crazy ..let her in, trust her unless she's given you a reason not to. X

Being in a relationship isn’t where you need to be right now. If this continues the relationship will die in resentment and recriminations.

You don’t want to have sex and she doesn’t want to be in a sexless relationship and the MH of both of you is being affected by the current situation.

Reading this made me really sad . I have had feelings like you . Also I was raped 11 years ago and sometimes start panicking when I say no but they kind of keep carrying on. I would show her exactly what you wrote here . She will understand once she has seen what you have written down xxx

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. We tried to talk about it tonight and halfway through discussion she said she had plans to play online games with her friends at 6pm. I didnt say anythig, but I had been there crying about the situation and I just felt completely pushed to one side :(

I went to walk the dog and then I came back, and she was upstairs still in the computer talking to her friends. And the dog was misbehaving, chewing my bag and pulling it around, barking and howling, and I was in the pantry trying to find him some toys/dog bone to get his focus, and she was shouting my name over and over from upstairs. I replied saying I'm sorting the dog out, but she didnt hear me.

She then shouts "answer me when I am calling you!!!" In a really horrible voice and in front of all her friends on her video chat. I felt really embarrassed that her friends heard her talking to me like that.

She comes downstairs and she is absolutely fuming with me for not answering her. I was like the dog was going crazy I was in the pantry and I was trying to sort him out. Please dont talk to me like that and she was like "oh whatever" and just sneered at me and went back upstairs playing her game.

I feel so horrible :(

If this were a man in the story we’d be calling him an aggressive bully and telling you to leave him. It’s no different because you’re in a same sex relationship, you need to consider calling time on this behaviour

I think the relationship is crossing the lines into something very unhealthy indeed.

Two women in a relationship does make things more highly emotional IMO, I say that as someone who came out late 20s and entered into a relationship with another woman who had recently come out too. It’s a confusing time, emotions run high. There is two lots of insecurities, body issues etc, I’m not saying men don’t get these but the dynamic is very different. I’ve been where you are and would have to agree with everything mamato3lads has said.

Op I don't mean to come across horrible
But I don't think she loves you but maybe using you or with you until something better comes
Along ? Just by the way she's got no respect for you and is closing this friend over you is a big red flag to me . I'd leave and
Find someone else because she's going too x

Your are not good for her mental health and she certainly is not good for yours!

You cannot stay in this toxic relationship can you op? Where do you draw the line?

An unhealthy relationship is one where a partner makes you cry daily whereas a healthy one is where a partner makes you laugh and gives me feelings of warmth and love.

Your relationship is toxic isn't it?