Husband annoys me!

[Josie1968]

Hi there

I have been married 23 years. At times I wish that my husband would show more of an emotional connection with me, he never has really. I remember when we first married I would often say 'I love you' and he would never say it back to me - so I stopped saying it. Once I stopped saying it he would ask why I never said it anymore!! Anyway over the years things haven't really got much better I guess - it hasn't been all bad but things could have been better. I had a breakdown some years ago through marriage stresses - had really bad depression and anxiety. He also has had depression and anxiety over the years.

The other night he put a series on iplayer (something that we have both been watching) but he thought that I was busy doing my work in the other room so started without me. When I went in the living room I said 'oh I didn't know you were watching that, can you start it again so I can watch with you?' He started it again but he went up to bed!! He said he didn't want to watch the first 20 minutes of it again so I ended up watching it on my own. This really annoyed me, this is what he is like... and it gets on my nerves to be honest. I went to bed later and he had thrown my pillow to the other end of the bedroom and my blanket that I also like on the bed. I was so angry but ignored it, he was asleep anyway. This was last week and we haven't really spoken since, he just drifts around the house in silence!! I said today about the night when he went upstairs, he said that isn't the reason he hasn't been talking to me, he just wants some space. I said fine. This is his 'go to' response... he always says he wants space. But then on weekends he wants sex - and I don't want sex with someone that I feel isn't emotionally available to me - so that causes further issues...!

This is a very long story cut extremely short... I get so fed up at times, just wanted to get it off my chest!!!

xxxx

I think it sounds like it's time to give him space permanently. Do you have kids at home?

Yes we have three kids - two boys aged 22 and 19, 19 year old hoping to go to uni in September and eldest son currently doing an apprenticeship. Then we have an 8 year old daughter..... sometimes I do wish he’d go! Other times he’s fine. He’s not really very connected with our daughter either. X

Josie I hear you!
Realise the resentment and disconnection I am currently feeling in this lockdown is very similar to how I feel when we are on a family holiday. I
Just can't bear being with him 24/7 and actually need work/routine to give us some separation. The weekends and night times are then tolerable.

Am sick of trying to engage him whilst we are all holed up together. He literally does nothing for or with us (expect formal work) unless I specifically ask him or what normally happens, lose my shit. Then of course I get accused of nagging or controlling. Him being at home this week has shown how disconnected he is with us all and I'm sick of sounding like a stuck record.

Says he loves me but all hot air as far as I'm concerned. After this current shitstorm is over I need to call it a day. Even the poor DC can't get a break from it anymore.

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a rubbish time too. @DorsetCamping

There have been times over the years when I’ve wanted to call it a day but haven’t because of the kids... to be honest I think he feels trapped by family life and would rather be on his own. That’s how it comes across anyway even though he says that’s not the case when I’ve said that to him in the past.

He thinks he’s on the autistic spectrum and that is why he has difficulty with emotional connection.... I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

Xxx

Everyone is on the spectrum somewhere. That's why it is a spectrum. He can still make an effort even if failure to spot cues makes some misguided.

I read what you wrote though and I hope I am not speaking out of turn. You specifically say he doesn't relate to DD. How is he with the boys? If he is socially inept it would cover everyone not one gender.
My brother relates well to DS but never DD. DD and I have always put this down to his being in a very make dominated culture.

OP, it sounds as if your marriage never really got going and has petered out.

Take this time to decide do you want to make a plan, what sort of plan and how the plan might work.

Finances
Accommodation
Childcare
Schooling
Work

All the things that would be inpacted by you making a happier future for you and your children.

It doesn't sound like any sort of life.

I think many many marriages are not going to survive this confinement.

@Otter71 yes I understand what you are saying and that’s true. I don’t know what it is to be honest. I suppose I have always felt like I’ve never been priority in any way for him, he works hard to provide for us and maybe he feels this shows his commitment and love... I work too, but only three days a week and he works full time plus a couple of evenings too. He’s fine with the boys... but just a bit distant with our daughter...in the way that he rarely does fun things with her. If he does anything it’s educational or watching documentaries etc (which she enjoys to be fair - nature documentaries)

I guess it just makes me feel sad when I think back over the years. He misses sex, but I’ve said I don’t feel like having sex with someone I don’t have any kind of emotional connection with and who often doesn’t even speak to me :(

@billy1966 yes the marriage had some issues from the start I suppose. I think because his wife left him for someone else and it was a very bitter split perhaps he felt unable to trust someone again, I don’t know. We split up once before we got married... he said he didn’t think he could commit but then we got back together. There have been good times at times, it hasn’t all been bad. Because our daughter came late in life, a bit of a surprise (!) it stopped us moving on... the boys were older and he was maybe looking forward to living his life and it had to be put on hold again. As well as limiting my earning potential as there is little childcare or family support for us so difficult to work full time. He slept downstairs on the settee for five years from when she was about two years old and only came back to bed last year!!