My sister is an alcoholic

[CatsCoffeeAndBooks]

Amongst all of this my sister has been on a 7 day bender, she’s drunk 6 litres of vodka over the course of these days. She lives with my grandparents, she’s 24 years old.

I am so lost, I can’t even comprehend the situation which my family and I have been in for over 5 years with my sister. It all started when we lost our mother to cirrhosis of the liver 6 years ago, she was 37 when she died, now my sister is heading the same way. We lost our Dad to an overdose when I was 10, that’s when our mum started drinking

I got off the phone with her doctors of Friday who said that this time, it is highly possible she will end up in ICU.
I’ve tried everything, everything. I feel like crying all of the time. She won’t accept any responsibility, and it’s always someone else to blame, I called her up crying last night and she just laughed.
I have a nice life, I’m 26, I have a good job a boyfriend, step daughter and a home. But this is taking over.
We had to watch our mum’s traumatic death through her drinking and now she’s doing the same. What should I do? We tried everything, Star, counselling all sorts. She’s also putting my grandparents at risk going out and getting the drink, her hygiene is extremely poor at the moment. Have any of you have a similar experience with this? I just need some advice.

Thank you for your time, sorry it's so long.

How did she come to be living with your grandparents?

Are they vulnerable?

Can they ask for help from social services?

You go to al-anon meetings, take a deep breath and a step back and accept you can’t control or change your sisters actions. Only get yourself as mentally healthy and strong as possible ready to deal with the fallout. And stressing and worrying and constantly thinking about it won’t change a thing other than hurt you.

I may sound harsh but it’s the only way. I speak as someone who watched my mother die of alcoholism in my early twenties. It sucks but you can’t allow your own life to be dragged down too!

She had her own flat and after multiple suicide attempts and ending up in ICU on a ventilator my Nan and Grandad said they would have her live with them.

I don't know if my Grandparents are classed as vulnerable. I don't know whether to make local authority aware that my sister is leaving to get alcohol, which isn't a necessity.

We haven't go down that route, it hasn't been mentioned to us.

I just got off the phone with my Grandparents and they found 2 more empty litres of vodka in her room and her bed was soaking wet.

You have to support your grandparents and watch for the time they cant cope anymore then she will have to find her own place

You have done all you can no amount of begging or pleading will see anything through.
She has to want it you get support for yourself

Focus on yourself and your family as well as your grandparents
All the best

My mum was like this - no matter what we did she carried on drinking. We couldn't help her. It's heart breaking

As heartbreaking as it is, she needs to want the help and want to get better, it cannot be you forcing it on her. My partner went through this after the death of his mother and it took a long time for him to realise that he needed to change and that his life was worth so much more. He's nearly one year sober now. I hope your sister finds whatever it is she needs to seek a better life for herself and your family

To me it sounds as if she doesn't want to stop. Combined with the suicide attempts it sounds like she is using this to deal with her past traumas (which are clearly horrible and have impacted you both). There may well be additional traumas she has experienced you aren't aware of.
Until she decides to take steps to stop, I'm afraid that any action you take will have no lasting effect.
You can be there for her and support her but only she can change.
I'm sorry, it's an awful situation.

What an awful situation, I’m so sorry. As others have said, the frustrating and sad truth is you can’t do anything until she really wants to help herself.

In the meantime, you look after your grandparents and yourself as best you can. Definitely get in touch with Alanon (for you and your grandparents) and Nacoa for you. Again, I’m sorry, I wish there was a magic bullet cure.

What crystalalligator wrote.

Your sister, as you are all too aware, is an alcoholic.

You can only help your own self ultimately and you cannot help anyone who ultimately does not want to be rescued and or saved. The only one who can help your sister is her own self, no-one else can do that for her as you have also found out.

Do contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to family members and friends of alcoholics. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Your grandparents are completely out of their depth here and are struggling themselves; they should be encouraged to contact Al-anon. Sadly too they did not help your sister at all by taking her in, instead they are enabling her and shielding her from the consequences of her actions.

If you’ve come for advice OP, make sure you listen to it. If you just need a place to vent however that’s fine, but make it clear x

Thank you all so much. Reading all of this is just what I needed. I have never heard of Al-anon before, we have been in and out of hospitals, countless doctors visits, my doctors even speaks about my sister in my appointments! We haven’t been offered any support for us.

I’ve luckily managed to scare my sister from going out to the shops and putting them at danger. She is a regular user of Facebook and she cares about what people think of her. I said I’d put a status up about her putting my Nan and grandad at risk – I know this is awful but she IS risk their lives.

It’s nice to read stories of people that have managed their addictions as I have never seen it and have little hope that it will happen at this rate.

As we lost our parents as such a young age I think my sister likes people looking after her. She is also on a hunger strike at the moment, I have never seen her look so thin.

@CrystalAlligator You are right. Thank you.

I've come for advice as my mental health is suffering and I don't know what else to do. I've looked on the Al-anon website and there is a meeting right near me, I will go once it's back open.

You can sign up to al-anon online meetings and message boards. I did that when I was with my ex husband.

I still love the serenity prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

You don't need to believe in God just a 'higher power' which can be anything by the way

Look after yourself. Do anything at all to help you feel better.

Those wee things helped me to detach with love and look after myself (the only thing in my control)

It doesn't mean you don't care about your poor sister and your family but there are things you can't control

Thank you @Calyx72, I'll have a look into that now.

I have written that down and I will put it into my routine. x

Cats, Nacoa might be useful for you too as it is aimed at the children (adults included) of alcoholics. They have a helpline and website:
www.nacoa.org.uk/

Sad to hear you have never been steered towards support for yourself. There are so many of us who have lived with/loved an alcoholic and often spent much too much time trying to help them. Sooner or later, we realise nothing we do helps until they help themselves. We can and should live life for ourselves, though, and getting support for yourself is really important.

Best of luck

You should definitely prioritise getting support for yourself. Coming to terms with how powerless you are in the face of someone else's addiction is hard work, and you should not do it alone. Do pursue online support until you can seek a face to face meeting.

And post on here, ask as many questions as you need. There are so many of us who have had to live with loved ones in addiction. Listen to Attila - she is an absolute expert and her words really helped me when I finally hit my rock bottom and needed to detach from my alcoholic other half.

Does she have accommodation of her own?

Personally I hated al-anon, but found counselling really, really helpful.
DB has got better since we all stepped back. It’s hard to do I know, and a risk. But it gets to the point whereby you have to recognise that if they are intent on sinking their own ship, the only thing you can do is not go down with them.

You should look to work hard on addressing the emotional injury that you endured and cannot have escaped as a child. Having two parents in active addiction means that you were at the v least emotionally abandoned and neglected. Then they died no doubt horrific deaths. As PP have said the adult child of alcoholics organisation and Al Anon will help you grow and heal. I am sorry for what you have endured. I am sorry that your DS is going through this but the best outcome for her as well as you is to step well away from her drama. They call this “detaching with love” at Al Anon. Good luck.

Smellbellina the group I go to isn't Al-Anon, it diverges in a lot of ways. Some of the people in it have done Al-Anon and from what they've said, it wouldn't work for me at all.

But there are other groups out there.

Thank you all so very much, I have referred myself to Health In Mind and Al Anon online service.

I've had my hardships but its time to move on. I know I can't change the fate of my sister but I can decide that I wont go down that path so my mental health is coming first, for once!

That is honestly the best decision you could have made. Well done.

By taking care of your mental health, you are not just looking after yourself, but you will also be at your most resilient if the moment comes when your sister is genuinely ready for recovery. At that point, you will have all the tools in your locker to support without enabling. And you will also be able to support others who are just starting out on the journey.

It's really, really difficult to have a family member with an addiction issue. Ultimately they need to want to change, it's almost impossible to force them to do this.

I understand where you're coming from in shaming her into stopping buying alcohol when your grandparents health is at risk but it is extremely dangerous for her to stop drinking without medical intervention. She could quite literally die from withdrawals. She needs a medical detox to help her to stop drinking.