How the fuck do I leave now

[baubled]

Relationship was bad before Corona but being locked down is absolutely unbearable, it's constant conflict and throw a 3 year old in who's going stir crazy and kicking off multiple times a day it's just hell!

It's his house, I know I need to leave but even before this I don't know how I would have ever afforded it but now I need to find a way. My own stupidity of getting in to debt is making it unaffordable and I'm kicking myself constantly.

Please someone tell me their positive stories of getting out, I need some hope at least!

Hi OP, I can only imagine your nightmare. Is he abusive or violent? If so, I would suggest leaving now if you have any family you could stay with. I know we're not supposed to see people but these are exceptional circumstances.
Stop kicking yourself and things you can't change. Start looking at your options. Obviously staying with family or friends would be your first port of call until you can sort out finances. Remember he will have to pay maintenance and you would probably get tax credits and the child benefit. Use the benefits calculator to work out what you would get.

Thanks @anotherdisaster he's not violent but I would say he can be emotionally abusive and likes to be in control, I stand up for myself which just makes it worse. Unfortunately we can't go anywhere else, even without lockdown there's just not the space so I've got to just plan on how to get through these next uncertain weeks and what I can do after. He knows I've been looking at houses to rent and he just laughed at me asking how I would ever afford it. I'm currently keeping out of the way upstairs because he's annoyed at me for telling him to stop pulling my dressing gown apart last night. Even petty things are kicking it off.

Do your family/friends know your situation? Can you talk to anyone in real life about this. I would give women's aid a call anyway. Just because he's not violent, doesn't mean he's not abusing you. Talk to them and explain what life is like and they can advise you. I know this may not be easy with being stuck on the same house though!

It is possible to move on, even when money is tight. Use this time to research options, benefits, do you have money for a deposit to rent or can family lend you? I managed to do it despite being left in terrible debt by my ex h and I know others who have done same.
I have no great words of advice, haven’t lived with a man for over 5 years! But I do know life is too short to be unhappy and there is always a way x

Women's aid are still open online, the courts are still open (remotely) if you need an injunction so please don't feel like you can't leave if you need to

Also, I reiterate looking to family. I'd rather be cramped in a tiny flat with people who care about me and treat me like a human, than be stuck with a vile excuse for a man. I know if my daughter was in this situation I would get her out of there ASAP, even if it meant sleeping on a couch,.

In exactly the same situation as you OP. It's torture isn't it?
Hang in there, it's hard I know.
Can you go to another part of the house and play with your little one? Or garden?
When you can feel tensions rising, you just need to move away and disengage.

He knows I've been looking at houses to rent and he just laughed at me asking how I would ever afford it.

You'd be top of the list for social housing as a single mum with toddler, would you not?

With UC, CM and anything you earn (85% of childcare paid if you work as a single mum - as long as registered childminder or daycare).

Check out entitled to, get cab spot asap.

How does anyone else afford it?

F*ck him.

*Cab Appointment.

Forgot child benefit, not much but adds up.

Cab may be able to advise about debt.

A reputable debt management company may be able to help you work out affordable payments.

Oh and if you're ever going to have another child or children get married .
You'd be walking away with part of any equity in his house and part of his pension now!

There's help out there for you, OP. All the domestic abuse lines are bracing themselves for an increase as the lockdown is aggravating it.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/3FQFSnx6SZWsQn3TJYYlFNy/information-and-support-domestic-abuse

• Keep trying to get through to Refuge, Shelter and Women's Aid. They have seen this all before.

• Right now, keep the peace as much as you can - it's shit, but the most dangerous time for a woman is directly before she leaves her abuser. DON'T tell him you are leaving or inform him of any preparations.

• See what you can do to freeze or cut down your debts. For example, shifting to a 0% credit card, cancelling anything you can or coming to an agreement with your creditors. Moneysavingexpert.com can help you, here.

• You have not mentioned if you are working, furlonged or on Universal Credit. Start thinking about how you will support yourself when you are away from him. For example, if you know you will need benefits, apply now (because there is a minimum 5-week wait).

• Start gathering documents: e.g passports, birth certificates and driving licences. If you can do so safely, take a copy of his wage slip.
  You can quickly snap photos of all the documents and upload them to the cloud (e.g. Google docs), as a precaution.

• If you think he is at all likely to be violent, put together a bug-out bag with clothes, photos, medicines and anything else you need. Keep it somewhere you can easily access. If he finds it, just say it's a hospital emergency bag.

The good news is that you are not responsible for a mortgage or rent. So, leaving will be technically easier. You did not mention if you were married: if not, then the only thing you need to be concerned about is child support.

I don't know where you are but I imagine you're going to have to go through women's aid or similar to get on social housing list and there'll have to be no holds barred when talking about his abusive behaviour.

Let's be realistic here ladies. Refuges are full, women's aid most to most will be able to put you in a bed and breakfast or hotel one room with no cooking facilities. If your low on money how are you supposed to afford take aways night after night. The hotel, bed or breakfast will want paying and you will need to get a UC claim in straight away, no doubt you will be left in debt if you take an advance. You will not get social housing straight away, you will have to bid for many months sometimes years to even get a place. You could be stuck for a very long time.Social services will have to be notified too. You will no doubt be placed hundreds of miles away in a hotel from where you are based now so no support network of friends or family. It is no way easy to leave an abusive man, more so when you have no money and children and definitely not the right time to do it in lockdown. I no it's hard, I am living with an abuser but I have 5 children. Their is help out their but if you take it your mental health is going to take a beating as it is not a walk in the park. I was making steps to leave before all this, had the date set for my birthday in winter this year but the corona has now put a spanner in the works. I will not put my kids through the torture of living a million miles away in some beaten down hotel room living off take outs for the foreseeable and have social services breathing down my neck. Everyone's situation is different, I can deal with the abuse, have done for many years. My time will come. I will leave but I will do it the way that I think is right. Hope you come up with a plan that suits you too.

Do you have a credit union locally? I know it’s more debt but if you’re that desperate ask to take a loan with them.

Any friends at all that would put you up?

What exactly is your debt? If it's creditcard/store cards etc, it is not a priority debt and you may be able to make a payment plan/get it written off. Speak to Stepchange. Yes, it messes with your credit rating, but you can rebuild that down the line.