Am I in a tricky relationship?

[Ellaandtoddler]

I posted yesterday on aibu as I saw some shorts I liked and I asked my dp what he thought and he said I shouldn’t wear shorts because I am a mother now and also commented that my legs are not particularly toned. He’s also in the past commented that I shouldn’t wear bold colours and short dresses. A lot of the posters on the other thread commented that he sounded controlling. He compares me to our neighbour a lot (who is in her fifties) and suggests that I get my hair cut short like hers. He hasn’t seen me as being young since I became a mum and I didn’t mention this on the thread yesterday but he has described me as ‘chubby’ before (I am a size 10). For a bit of background info, I am 23 and he is 28, we have been together since I was 19 and we have an 18 mth old dd- she was a (lovely) surprise- I hadn’t anticipated becoming a mother so young. He is a great dad to dd. We both work but he does also do a lot of the housework. The only other thing that I didn’t mention on the other thread is that he doesn’t like my family. I don’t have much contact with them now and he doesn’t want dd to be alone with them (i kind of understand this as they are quite difficult people but they are still my family and he is rude about them). If we go away just the two of us or have a day out dd stays with his parents or his brother. I’m really unsure now- I don’t know if I’m over reacting or if I’m in a bit of a difficult relationship?

How is he a great dad?

Yes it is abusive. He shouldn't be calling you (false) names to make you feel bad about yourself. The wanting you to dress 'frumpy' /have what's often seen as less attractive hair seems like a way to control you by making you look less attractive to other men.

I've sworn to myself that insults about my appearance are something I'll never take from a man again. It's so nasty. You could consider how you feel about it.

Well, If my partner told me I shouldn't wear shorts, or made comments about me not being toned enough that would probably be the end right there. What are his reasons for not liking your family ? Abusers often try to isolate their partners from their friends / family. Do you think he has good reason not to like them?

You can do the Freedom Programme course online and weigh things up yourself: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

There are certainly things you've mentioned that concern me (e.g. Isolating you from your family), but you have the full picture.

Yes he's controlling. He's cut/cutting you off from your family as that means there is no one to keep an eye on you or witness his behaviour. My ExH did the same. I was limited to one visit a month with them and he was horrible to me for days after I saw them. Other times he'd insist there was no money for petrol for me to go and see them. They lived 40 minute drive away.

Do you see/go out with friends often? I'm betting either you don't, or if you do he doesn't like them/makes an issue of it.

I hate to say this but it really doesn't sound good.
The fact he's asking you to "look like your neighbour" Is enough for me. Critiquing you and your appearance in such a negative way is just wrong.
He's pulling you away from your family. Does he allow you to have friends?
You have to consider what your daughter will see as she grows up.
You'll fight against this initially as you'll want to see the good in him, even the best and you'll make excuses for him but please think long and hard about your future with him. You deserve happiness, please, please tell yourself this ❤️

That fact that you are on here is a good indication that your gut is screaming at you that you aren’t in a good relationship.

I have been here a few years and it’s rare that someone comes on with a problem and it gets sorted.

There are some amazing women here with a lot of experience. Make sure you listen with a mind.

You won't get different answers now to those on your previous thread.

You are being controlled by him and controlling behaviour such as is described here is abusive in nature. He wants absolute power and control over you. He is actively trying to control what you wear, how you should style your hair, who you see (and now you've lost contact with your family because he does not like them) and where you go. All this has been ramped up by him against you (and in turn your DD) over time; this is how she is living too. She is now being taken to his brother or his parents on your days out. Abuse like this and this is abuse is really insidious in its onset.

How can you write he is a good dad to your DD if you are being treated like this?. He is not a good dad at all and your DD is also learning from you here about relationships; would you want this type of relationship for her?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either. Women in poor relationships too often write the good dad comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. So he does some housework, big deal. That does not make him a better person here.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and read the thread in Relationships about getting help and support for your own self.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home?. You write your family are difficult too; how so?.

I would start to plan your exit from him with due care and attention because he is also not going to let go of you easily here. He likes having you around to control and if you were to leave he would then have to charm another sap of a woman (this type of man hates women, all of them) to control. That takes work and he does not want to do that. Such men like this as well do not change, and this man will merely further up the power and control against you as his chosen target. He targeted you deliberately as well, he saw in you someone hat he could and indeed has exploited to his own ends.

I shouldn’t wear shorts because I am a mother now and also commented that my legs are not particularly toned
Outrageous sexist controlling and bizarre

Are you:
In a difficult relationship - no
In an abusive relationship - HELL YES

You are 23 get your child and get the fuck out.
Do not waste your 20s and 30s on this man he is awful and does not love or respect you.

This is also a thread you need to read and take heed of:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3859717-For-those-on-lockdown-with-an-abuser

He sounds like he's very controlling indeed.Isolating you from your family support is a classic move of the abuser.

I bet he doesn't like your friends much either. Do you have nights out without him? Do you see them?
.
Putting you down and telling you to behave far older than you are is about making you feel insecure and like you're not good enough - which is a way of controlling you and making you stick out awful behaviour because you end up thinking it's all you deserve. Don't tolerate it.

You are still very young OP so please get out of this controlling relationship now before you waste any more years of your life. The longer you stay the more 'normal' all this will become. your saving grace here is that you clearly recognise this behaviour is not right.

Start making a safe plan to leave. Things will only get worse x

You say you hadn't anticipated becoming a mother so young, that looks as though he pressured you into having a baby. Abusers do this so it's more difficult for you to leave.

And calling you chubby; what a nasty bastard.

Size 10 and chubby??
Nah, he's a dick, a controlling, unsupportive dick at that.

You wear whatever the hell you want to wear, I endured almost 10 years of being told what I could and couldn't wear, that I was fat, what music I could listen to, what I should eat etc etc.

Totally ground me down, exhausted me.

You need to get out.

I remember your thread. I think I’ve only commented a few times that someone is abusive. I truly think he is. It sounds subtle and he wouldn’t think it’s abusive but it’s not right and you know it’s not right otherwise you wouldn’t have to come on here and ask if it’s right.

Your DP should be your cheerleader, he should
Love you not matter what not constantly nit picking about your appearance or keeping you away from your family.

Think carefully about other aspects of the relationship are there other signs of abuse? financial? Does he complain when you go out with mates? Is it always his way or no way? Do you alternate Xmas with your families?

Do you see your partner below?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Thank you all for your replies. I feel sad reading these. I read some other threads similar to these and I can’t believe my dp shares some characteristics with these men. My family life growing up was toxic. My parents argued constantly, never got on and were always miserable. They never showed any affection to one another. We never did anything nice together and they were also critical of me. My relationship with them before I met dp was already very strained. They don’t like him and he can’t stand them. He didn’t really isolate me from them- he doesn’t stop me seeing them he just doesn’t want dd getting caught up with them. I get on well with his family and they love having dd.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look at what yours taught you. They taught you a lot of damaging stuff that you absorbed and use to this day. Its not all that surprising that you chose someone like this at 19, he was likely a continuation of what you already saw and knew from living at home. No-one sadly either bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and healthy relationship is like and fact is that you still do not know now. The adults in your life let you down abjectly. DO not make those mistakes with your DD now.

Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. I would urge you to seek a better life for yourself and your DD: she cannot afford to grow up seeing you as her mum being this controlled. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and its unacceptable. Seek counselling for your own self and unlearn the crap you've been taught to date.

You’re making excuses for him. I really wish you luck but I don’t think you think it’s abuse as he doesn’t hit you. You should never make excuses for him. It’s clear to so many on here that it’s abuse but I don’t think you’re ready to see that.

I really wish you the best.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Don't let this Mai lybeing about physical abuse put you off - it's an excellent all round book.

The abuser profiles part is good to skip to of you're in a hurry.

Look it will likely take time to come to terms with what you have walked into but you need to.
You are with an abuser and you need to leave not only for yourself, but for your daughter.

Honestly, think about what are you teaching her by staying with this man?