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Original poster

I found proof of affair - what should I do?

22 replies

UpsetTumm · 28/03/2020 18:22

Long story short, we have been discussing ending our long marriage and I recently found messages on my partners phone (which I opened), which details more than one account of cheating, back some years as well as some very recent.

I’m torn between confrontation and exposing myself but partner denies anything happened. I could sit on the info too, as I know it’s over and this is just extra proof. What’s my next step? Has anyone been through this?

OP posts:
lyingwanker · 28/03/2020 18:27

It depends what outcome you're hoping for? If your marriage is ending anyway then what have you got to lose or gain from telling him you know?

fluffdeloop · 28/03/2020 18:29

just use it as motivation to hurry up and get out of the relationship. pointless discussing it as will just lead to arguments

Eleanorrrelephant · 28/03/2020 18:30

Sorry you’re going through this OP
Watch ‘the other woman’ and try a few of the tricks out

Original poster
UpsetTumm · 28/03/2020 18:35

I know it’s over, but it feels like without talking about it, they’ve got away with it. I want them to know I know ideally but I fear it’s a very bad idea

OP posts:
Original poster
UpsetTumm · 28/03/2020 18:35

Thanks @Eleanorrrelephant. On the watch list. Hollywood often a source of inspiration!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/03/2020 18:39

Think about what you want, both now and in the immediate future.

Can you financially manage without him? Can you imagine a better life without him? Do you have children? Whose house is it?

Original poster
UpsetTumm · 28/03/2020 18:43

I can manage without. We have kids but agreed to share. We rent, so not a problem - I’m not attached really.

I had a vague hope of rekindling along the line but that’s out of the window now, I could never trust them again

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 28/03/2020 19:00

Nah, fuck it. Trust is gone.

Confront him then leave him.

Life is way, way too short for this shit.

Fairycake2 · 28/03/2020 19:02

Given the current situation with CV I would say sit on it for now. Theres no point confronting him until you are in a position to leave. Doing so would just cause lots of arguments which wouldn't be very nice for you or DC. Use this time to plan your escape and think about where you want to live. Good luck

Original poster
UpsetTumm · 28/03/2020 19:23

Is it illegal to look at their phone?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/03/2020 20:35

I think now that you know, and now that you know that's it for you, there's no point in looking at his phone. It'll just hurt you.

Original poster
UpsetTumm · 28/03/2020 21:12

I did already. Is it illegal? It feels wrong but I have been driven to this. This isn’t me

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/03/2020 21:28

I doubt it's illegal, or not in a way that'll result in a court case. Loads of people do it - it doesn't make it right but if someone is messing about they don't really have a leg to stand on.

Elmer83 · 28/03/2020 21:55

I’d collect proof. Are you married. Take photos of what you’ve found etc

Sorry you are having to go through this. Some men are utter twats 😤

Elmer83 · 28/03/2020 21:55

Sorry should have used a ? when I asked Are you married?

DartmoorChef · 28/03/2020 21:59

Why are you all assuming that op is female. Op has deliberately not put if their partner is male or female.

Heartburn888 · 28/03/2020 22:18

Go see a solicitor and see if the proof you’ve found will be good enough for you to file for divorce under adultery.

As pp have mentioned, if it’s going to end anyway then nothing you can do but don’t just keep quiet for a peaceful life. Quite possibly if your ex wasn’t cheating on your numerous times then maybe your relationship could of worked or at the very least they could of told you they wasn’t happy rather than going behind your back especially when you’ve got kids.

Elmer83 · 28/03/2020 22:21

@DartmoorChef That’s true...I did assume. To clarify “Some humans are twats”

SpyApp · 28/03/2020 22:31

Take a photo of the most incriminating stuff on his phone. Don't confront him. Start feathering your own nest by building up a pile of cash. If you go to a supermarket get cashback with your shopping. It just shows up in the bank account as a total spent in the shop. Stock up on things you like that are expensive. Now's the time to get new coats and shoes etc online. Plan to get any jobs done in the house. When this virus is done with, see a good solicitor. His housing needs will be less than yours if you can show that he's moving in with another woman. Keep your cards close to your chest until you've had advice.

filka · 29/03/2020 08:11

As @DartmoorChef said, "Why are you all assuming that op is female. Op has deliberately not put if their partner is male or female."

So as @SpyApp meant to say:
Take a photo of the most incriminating stuff on their phone. Don't confront them.... Their housing needs will be less than yours if you can show that they're moving in with another person.

But the advice is OK, keep evidence (somewhere secure) and make plans for separation or divorce.

Original poster
UpsetTumm · 29/03/2020 08:28

Thanks. Evidence is saved. I’m discussing with partner soon and giving them a chance to air anything they feel regret about, and if they don’t say anything I may prompt. Stuck in isolation too, for the foreseeable in a cramped house does not make this decision easier

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 29/03/2020 14:20

I would sit on it. It may come in handy at a later date...evidence of lying etc.

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