Anyone experienced 'competitive grieving' after a family death?

[notveryexpressive]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable but too scared to post in AIBU.

Basically I'm in my 30s and my beloved grandfather died two weeks ago. The funeral is already complicated by COVID-19 because my nan now lives alone and none of us are even allowed to hug her. And on a minor note, finding flowers was a total nightmare because all the florists have closed. And we can only have 20 people.

I was very close to him. He was, perhaps, my closest relative. I had mental health problems in my teens and my life went off track, but he supported me to go back to university to become a doctor. He had a seat of honour reserved at my graduation but will sadly not make it now.

We shared a taciturn nature, not liking to make a fuss or talk about feelings. I express myself well in writing, for the most part, but verbally I am reserved. This was one of the features that bonded us together, and he didn't want a fuss after his death, so the pared down funeral might not even be a bad thing.

The complication is my mum and aunt, who aren't blood relatives of my grandfather and therefore don't share our quiet approach to things. They are "talkers", wanting to share photos, grieve loudly and publicly and obsess over details of the funeral. My Dad, brother and I have been coping in our own ways but don't talk about it at all. That is just who we are, and I'm proud that we've inherited my grandfather's temperament so it might live through us.

I've tried to tell my mum that she grieved her own father's death in her way and my dad didn't tell her she was wrong, but she can't resist getting involved and is teaming up with my aunt to put lots of pressure on my dad and uncle about what they "should" be doing.

When my grandad passed I posted a photo on Facebook as a memorial, and to let my friends know what had happened without having to message them individually, as I found that awkward. My aunt posted a simple message on mine. But on my cousin's post, she wrote an essay about how amazing it was that my cousin visited him every day, and how she's a beautiful young lady with an amazing spirit. The contrast was visible to my whole family and members commented on it to me in private. I felt crap about it, like I was being held up as having not done enough.

When he was ill, I came back from med school as much as I could, had chats with his medical team, got a DNACPR sorted when he expressed that wish, coached my dad and uncle about what to talk about with the medical team and basically contributed in my own way to his peaceful passing under palliative care. But to my aunt that isn't "loud" enough. My name wasn't in the visitors book at his care home because I was on placement at university, whereas my cousin's was.

So now mum has asked what I'm reading at the funeral and if I'm getting flowers. I hadn't planned to do either, but apparently both cousins are making wreaths and writing poems. There is an implication I will fall short if I don't, but I feel resistant about acting against my own personality, and of being drawn into a competition I know I can't win.

I know all the chat between my mum and aunt for days after the funeral will be about "wonderful cousin x and y" with their wreaths and poems and overt grief, with the unspoken disappointment with me. It's putting me off going to the funeral. My dad is also struggling because of the pressure from my mum and aunt, and he just had a huge argument with mum asking her to back off.

Basically I feel I'm just trying to quietly cope in my own way, but being pressured to "do something" to prove how much I loved him. And it's all getting a bit much. I wondered if anyone else has been through this?

Thanks.

Not exactly but I have arranged a family funeral where it was tricky to balance everyone's needs and preferences. You do you, as the saying goes. Tell your mum and aunt that your grandfather always encouraged you to be true to yourself so you're doing that as it's what he would have wanted. Sorry for your loss

I was unable to speak at my father's funeral. I simply would not have been able to utter a word,
I would tell your Mother, that you are grieving in your own way & it is not a fucking cabaret.

You sound like an amazing grand daughter doing what you did. Grieve in your own way, support your father and ignore the "competitive grieving" of others.

I'm actually crying reading that as my own father passed a few years ago.

How awful, I'm sorry for your loss OP, yoir grandfather sounds like an amazing man

My mum did this when my dad died. Loud declarations of grief, collages, words, lota of drama that i was expected to be part of. My heart was broken but that was and is my private grief for my lovely dad, i didn't have to shout about how sad i was. Like you, i am very expressive in my writing but more reserved when speaking. I was forced to write and talk at my dads funeral and it nearly broke me.

Don't let them do this, grieve in your own way and let your heart heal privately x

Yes my family after my nan died my mother cut me out took her other daughter to sort out the property and between them stripped anything of value sentimental or otherwise I asked my aunt if I could have a tiny base metal clock my aunt got it for me (its literally just over an inch high) I was allowed to go in and clean and arrange for things to go to the charity shop worst of it is they rarely visited her my aunts did I went over every couple of days to clean and shop for her but not my mom and my sister they looked after her for a week when I was ill she was so pleased to see me said they were like a circus trying to do things 🤣🤣

Pressed send too soon sorry!
In the end it doesnt matter my family cant take my memories away from me and thats all that counts

I'm sorry OP. Exactly what Mix56 says is what I'd do. There's no right or wrong way to grieve and I'm sorry your aunt and mum are making things even harder for you.

This happened at both my paternal grandparents’ memorials / funerals. Cousin sister who didn’t live with them and often didn’t talk to them burst into tears and got all the sympathy despite being in her mid-twenties while the actual children (my siblings and I; I was the oldest at 15 for my gran’s funeral while my siblings were all between 2-13) who lived with them had to watch from the sidelines. It really traumatised us and to this day we can’t talk about my gran’s funeral.

My grandfather’s funeral was easier to an extent as I was older and so was able to shunt my cousin out of the way as required.

The truly gracious thing to do is ignore it and rise above. You may want to find a way of saying why you feel the way you do- 'I'm not keen on overt sentimentality' 'Grandad liked things simple' 'I prefer to grieve more privately'.

When your dad has recovered from the argument, ask him what he wants and help him make it happen.

I think the phrase "you do you and I'll do me" is best employed.

Remind them that different personalities process loss in different ways - the most important thing is to be respectful of each other, whether that's giving a reading or memory or quietly thinking of their loved one. That's how you show your love for each other as well as your love for those you've lost.

Hi OP, yes I cared for my DM, all the hospital visits, shopping, showers, emotional and financial support. Brothers swooped in for the funeral and the eulogy was all about how they supported her. At the end of the day your DGF knows and you know, nobody else matters.

SIL turned MIL's death and funeral into a circus. Approx 50 pictures of SIL & MIL on a projector with a 20 minute lecture. The underlying message was that she was the better sibling, DH didn't get a look in and has been treated like shit by her since.

Her day will come. She can't possibly think what she did was ok. I'm hopeful that this social isolation will make people think about their actions.

Apparently mourning rivalry is a thing, not a thing I want any part of.

Sorry for your loss.

You could write something and have it read by the vicar/someone else if you wanted. You're not a performing seal, and you know the truth of your relationship with your grandpa, don't feel you have to please the more demonstrative people in your family.

One side of my family is very like this. It's quite exhausting.

Oh yes! When my grandad died, my aunt made it all about her. She is one of four kids and her and her ridiculous brother took over the whole thing. My mum and uncle didn't get a look in.

When my grandma said she was heartbroken that she had lost the husband she had been with for 60 years, my aunt replied: "how do you think I feel? He has been my dad my WHOLE LIFE?".

Needless to say, I don't see her anymore, particularly as she stopped seeing my grandma (her own mother) as it "reminded her too much of my grandads death".

There was a woman who was in bits at my mother's funeral. Wracking sobs, collapsing and needing support - afterwards she tried to sob over me and I had to ask her who she was. Chiropractor of two years or so, saw her oh all of 6? times.

I was close to my dad, my sister wasn't - hence she was able to give big long attention grabbing speech at his funeral. Whatever - empty vessels make most noise.

I feel quietly and deeply for a long time - I often think it may be easier to be like my sister and splurge it all out for show then move on. I don't know. I think about my dad almost everyday, I couldn't have mourned him any differently. We are who we are.

OP I am so sorry for your loss. You have achieved an awful lot in your life and your grandfather knows that and was v proud of you.

No one can take away the deep love, dignity and other similarities you continue to share with him. That is your truth. Savour it.

Everyone can see the pantomime they are creating - that FB thing is their shame not yours. Everyone will be thinking the same and cringing inside but won’t say anything.

Some people just become an exaggerated parody of their uglier bits in stress. Notice this and put in some distance and detachment to emotionally protect yourself at this time. Quietly state your decisions - repeat once if necessary. You don’t have to explain, defend, justify or decisions - beyond “That doesn’t work for me”

Be proud of and satisfied with your life with your DGF and comfortable in your personal expression of grief.

Your own Dad sounds lovely and in need of support right now. I hope that you can find comfort in each other.

Im so sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently. I am quite a loud and chatty and affectionate person but when my grandmother died, I locked myself at home for a week. I was in a different country so couldn't go to the funeral or be with my family. I didnt want to talk to anyone (and I am a pour my heart out type of person normally). 25 years on and I can think back fondly but it'll still bring tears to my eyes because she was such an amazing person.

Cherish the memories and don't let how other people grieve affect you.

I think the phrase "you do you and I'll do me" is best employed.

This

Don’t get sucked in and then it can’t be a competition.

Aren't they called grief tourists ?

Ive recently found out my DH's niece has lots of RIP dear uncle, much loved /missed etc plastered over her FB. She hadn't seen him for over 10 years since she was 5. So didn't actually know him.Didnt come to the funeral or express any condolences but 20 years later is all look at me.

Its really galling when people act like this but all you can do is ignore and remember your GF how you want. He knew how much you menat to each other, dont let anyone take that from you

Also known as a Grief Thief - makes my toes curl. Everyone can see it. Similar situation to PP - cousin got loads of “sorry for your loss mate” after posting when my DM died - he didn’t even visit or send a card when she was terminally ill - or even bother coming to the funeral. None of my siblings posted anything on social media about our DM - this was 11 years ago and v early days of social media - we were v hurt. But he is a loud show off who would do anything for attention. Tool.

Yes unfortunately when DH and I lost our DD last year at birth, my dad made it all about him. He was very upset but he certainly tried to 'compete' with me. Telling me other people were upset besides me and how he was having to walk on eggshells around me. This was the night before her funeral. A few days later I told him how upset he'd made me, he didn't respond kindly and we are now NC. I'll never forgive him.

Some people are just selfish attention seekers. They always have to have things done their way and have all the focus on them. You can't change them, only how you respond. I'm very sorry for your loss and tbh I would also tell your mother and aunt to back off and that you will grieve how you want to. At a time like this, it is all about self protection and paying tribute to your loved one in your way, no one elses.

Shefliesonherownwings So, so sorry you lost your beautiful daughter. Just shocking behaviour by you Dad.

There are several, conflicting issues here that are being conflated in your time of grief. It may be worthwhile to deal with them individually.

There is of course the death of a close relative and the ongoing restrictions to seeing your nan. These are stand out issues that must surely cloud everything else. Besides these, there is the conflicting grieving processes to your mum/aunt, the competition you feel with your cousin, and the pressure you feel to perform on behalf of these opposing forces.

You can rest assured in the fact that the close relationship you had with your Grandad can’t be taken away from you. It sounds as though he himself wouldn’t expect much of a ‘show’ from you, and that any claims to the contrary is just white noise.

Oh OP, I absolutely hear you.

Sorry for your loss

I was very close to my maternal grandmother, she knew me so well and used to say I was a mini version of her. When I moved away, once a week we'd make a cup of tea and chat on the phone for ages, swapping funny tales and advice. This all caused huge jealousy from my aunt and cousin, who constantly competitive grieve, even now she's been gone a few years. It's mostly through the dreaded Facebook where cousin will post a photo and aunt will be all 'she loved you more than anything, she's watching over you'. Blah blah. They do it all the time.

What I do is to remember my memories and how things actually were. It's a truly horrible thing but just ignore and know that you know the truth of it all. Oh and unfollow on FB.

OP, so sorry for your loss. I'd echo those who say that grief shouldn't be a competition - there's no right or wrong way to grieve. As someone upthread said, you do you.
I have a relative who always makes every family bereavement all about her, regardless of either her biological or emotional relationship with the deceased. When her mum died, she was very clear to everyone that as the youngest dc, she was obviously the most grief-stricken of all 8 dcs. For several years, whenever she didn't get her own way about something, she would 'break down' and complain how mean everybody was being and didn't they realise that she had lost her mother? When my Dad died, she was very put out that she wasn't chief mourner - that my dads wife and his children wouldnigive up their place in the funeral car for her, because after all, she was his SISTER - bugger his widow and three grieving dcs and grandchildren, who of course, weren't grieving at all. For the next few years, again, every time things didn't go her way, she would wail about how she was grieving for her brother. An uncle died quite recently and the whole cost is is being repeated. The fact that she hadn't seen this brother in almost 20 years and never lost an opportunity to slag him off to others is apparently, all forgotten.
Me? I'm now nc with her. She feeds off misery and is never happy unless she is spreading misery around. There are no more occasions I will feel compelled to attend where she will be present and so I never need to see her again. My only regret is that I can do longer have contact with my cousin, since she feels she should support her mother.
As hard as it is, OP, you don't need to 'prove' your grief to anyone. You deal with it in your own way, which, tbh, sounds a lot more genuine and dignified than someone who is as vocal as your family members.