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Original poster

Weird point in relationship

26 replies

Curiousmum69 · 28/03/2020 11:29

Anyone at that weird stage, 10 months in, too soon for really commitment, but maybe too short to really survive potentially 3+ months of no contact.

It all feels a bit strange, I'm not sure what I should expect really. But I think I'm finding the extra weirdness and pressure a bit much.

It was a pretty good relationship before this, so I can't decide if it's just the stress/anxiety altering expectations.

Anyone else on that cusp of a relationship being serious and not sure they want this virus to force it either way?

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 28/03/2020 11:31

I’m not in this situation, but can imagine it’s bloody tough. The thing is if you don’t see him for 3+ months it’s not as if either of you can go off galavanting with other people 🤣. Can you FaceTime etc...../have date nights (over FaceTime), FaceTime sex (basically use FaceTime a lot) and see how it goes?

RoseCaterpillar · 28/03/2020 11:39

Yep. 6 months into relationship. He had stayed for a week a while before all this craziness started and I hated it. He is at his own house during lockdown, can't say I'm missing him. It's not looking good for us...

Original poster
Curiousmum69 · 28/03/2020 11:41

We were doing a lot of that anyway, so that's continuing.

I guess some people must do this all the time, I'm not sure I am the type of person that copes well with isolation.

I think some days I feel a little rejected that he seems to be perfectly content with the potential time apart, whilst equally at the same time not really wanting to fast forward to moving in etc.

I'm suddenly over thinking everything!

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum69 · 28/03/2020 11:43

Yes Rose - it's like you need all the things like dates and increasing time together and a slower pace to build those connections.

Remove all the normal things that build that and suddenly it all feels a bit shaky.

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 28/03/2020 12:06

Blimey, doesn't sound like a great relationship then. I'm 5 months in with my new partner and cannot imagine not seeing him again after all this. We are in constantly contact every day. Obviously anything could happen but at the moment I'm just gutted I can't see him.

Strongmummy · 28/03/2020 12:18

@anotherdisaster or perhaps you’re rushing things ?!?! Everyone has their own pace to relationships as everyone is an individual

anotherdisaster · 28/03/2020 12:23

So because I miss him I must be rushing things? Yes everyone has their own pace of course and if you feel like you won't get through this, all I'm saying is that maybe the relationship isn't strong enough.
All you can do is try to maintain contact and then see how you feel when all this is finally over.

Wigglefish123 · 28/03/2020 12:28

I'm about 7 months into my relationship and we've been apart for the last week.....she wants me to travel to hers to spend next week there.....the time apart has made me think about it all....we live an hour apart and now I'm thinking that's too far...I cant see myself ever moving there, particularly as she has 3 kids who are ok in small doses but who I definitely don't want to step parent in the future...#doomed
Good luck Curiousmum69

Strongmummy · 28/03/2020 12:32

@anotherdisaster I was making the point that just because the op isn’t in the same place as you after 10 months doesn’t mean it “doesn’t sound like a great relationship” (your words)

anotherdisaster · 28/03/2020 12:49

@Strongmummy I didn't say its because she 'isn't in the same place as me' - your words.

@Curiousmum69 this is hard for everyone, even those who think their relationship is strong. It think its going to test a lot of people. I think mine is strong but who is to say it will be the same is this ends up going on for months! All we can do is our best and see how you you feel when this is all over.

Original poster
Curiousmum69 · 28/03/2020 12:51

I think there is a big difference between missing him, which I do.

And trying to understand the unusual and extra pressures this all places on newish relationships.

OP posts:
25MinutesSinceLastTime · 28/03/2020 12:53

it’s not as if either of you can go off galavanting with other people

I suspect that the use of dating apps is going to go through the roof though with bored people who can't see their partners 🙄

TripleTroubleTime · 28/03/2020 12:55

@Curiousmum69 my partner and I are in a similar situation
Im taking it well and am at the "acceptance" stage that we may not see each other for a few months.
He isnt taking it well, its making him insecure and he is missing me a lot (he keeps telling me so, im not being big headed).
I read an article that said this situation of lockdown can make people go through the 5 stages of grief. Anger, acceptance, denial... etc. In any order and i think its true. Everyones coping differently.

For us, we are facetiming (I needed some DIY advice a minite ago and facetimed to ask him) and using Houseparty to play games in the evening.

Its all you can do. Try not to tie yourself in knots about something you cant control. Try and keep calm and carry on.

Strongmummy · 28/03/2020 13:02

@25MinutesSinceLastTime this is true......get FaceTime sexing 🤣🤣🤣

PositiveVibez · 28/03/2020 15:06

So because I miss him I must be rushing things?

No. But calling him your 'partner' after a few months, does sound like you are rushing it somewhat.

Bluntness100 · 28/03/2020 15:12

I also think being in constant contact daily and being gutted you can’t see someone after five months is a bit concerning, as concerning as not being that bothered if you don’t see them after ten. It’s two sides of the one coin, and neither positive.

opticaldelusion · 28/03/2020 19:55

It's mumsnet. Dating should last a minimum of five years before you're allowed to call it a serious relationship and God forbid calling someone a partner unless you've been together a decade and had six kids.

WhyIsIt · 28/03/2020 20:49

I am in this situation Op
He has decided that when the lockdown is up he wants to see me less Hmm
So a week apart has given him the reflection that really I am not someone to be missed
He asked me not to take it the wrong way and didn’t want to resent me. But I think I am going to resent him
He’s not my partner by a very long shot as I don’t think this is how partners behave OP.

25MinutesSinceLastTime · 29/03/2020 04:49

What are you going to do WhyIsIt?

I think, in your shoes, I'd end it!

Original poster
Curiousmum69 · 29/03/2020 07:39

Hmm that is weird.

Had a chat with him last night and explained my fears. He was supportive and explained that he wasn't content being apart, but that his copping mechanisms is to not dwell on things he can't control as it would begin to overwhelm him. So I'm feeling less rejected which is good.

Although, he did say he doesn't want to indulge my insecurities and if i can't take on board that his feelings are pretty constant then I need to work on my own self esteem. ..which was weird, maybe true, but a little unsuportive.

I'm just surprised I think at some of my own emotions/ reactions. They are out of character for me. So I guess others (he) must be having similar extremes.

Time will tell I guess.

And at 5 months your relationship is still very driven by the chemicals released your brain, nature is designed to make you addicted to new relationships. It does really take about a year for the initial chemistry to pass and for you to understand/gain a deeper compatibility based a bit more on rationality.

So to do that bit without physical contact is going to be difficult. I guess it will just pause/prolong it a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum69 · 29/03/2020 07:42

WhyIsIt

That must have been hard to hear. This whole thing is a lot of pressure. May be its good way to stress test a relationship early and find out if It's worth investing more time. Might be a great way to get a lucky escape

OP posts:
WhyIsIt · 29/03/2020 08:03

I was hoping for the reaction you got but I got something else.
I feel like he is just pulling back from me and it’s very slow like a thousand little cuts. Unsure whether to let it drag on until we can meet again or whether to cull it now

Original poster
Curiousmum69 · 29/03/2020 08:46

I can imagine some people's natural response tho this is to pull back,

Might not have happened if the relationship wasn't put under this weird pressure, Might have happened anyway at a later date.

It's definelty forcing things to go in directions that it might not have otherwise.

Dating is pretty hard work, dating in these circumstances is crazy. The social isolation definitely puts a weird new spin on things.

OP posts:
Sushiroller · 29/03/2020 10:53

I think it depends on your life stage (second time around or with kids complicates things)
my now fiance and i (in co-vid19 times) would 100% have moved in together at 10 months, it would have been a little soon for our liking but separation/staying apart would have been the (bad) alternative.
We moved in after around year naturally but at 10 months we'd have been about ready.

Are you bith on the same page? His response to you sounds a little cold...

sociallydistained · 29/03/2020 11:03

Hi I am 9 months in and feeling the same way. I am feeling depressed at times and he is moody. I feel lost with it all and worrying about how someone feels about me during a situation I can't control is feeling a bit much right now...

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