This is a long story, so I suggest you only read if you have similar problems else you'll probably get bored lmao. I mainly need to get this off my chest. I did also just post this on another website forum, and someone immediately suggested I should post it on this website for more helpful and mature suggestions... which is probably true)
If you do straight skip, I would be comforted to hear of other people's problems with parental bullying (can be manipulation, humiliation, being overbearing, belittling, controlling, narcissistic behaviours...) to feel less alone and know how you cope.
Ok, to be honest, I'm 25 years old lmao so shouldn't be at home with parents anymore. I mostly haven't lived at home since I left for uni at 18 but the coronavirus pandemic has meant for a while I've actually had to be back at home with my parents. And now with this lockdown and other issues it's even harder.
In some ways I had a kind of unhappy childhood and very difficult, stressful years as a teenager as my mom in particular would often belittle me, and punish me when I hadn't done anything wrong, and use undermining language to me. As I teen I found it hard to deal with and understand and thought I really was the problem. My sister would also bully me in a similar way, which she learnt from my mom and my mom never corrected her behaviour. I tried to escape from home as much as possible, usually by getting a boyfriend since then I could be out every day since friends wouldn't be available every day.
As I've gotten older I've realised actually my mom is a toxic person. A lot of people don't understand (most people seem to have happy home lives I guess). My elder brother (who she never treated as badly as me for whatever reason, and thankfully I'd say he's more on my side but I think he can bear her more than me simply because she respects him... and not me basically) confessed to me a few years ago how she complained to him about me and made such awful snide unjustified comments about me. He said she can't really appreciate or have any respect for anything I have ever done or achieved, some of which which are quite amazing. (I mean, I'm not extraordinary but I've done some difficult things going to live abroad and being independent etc...)
I remember this when she says awful things now... it isn't my fault.
Since being home I've just got annoyed with her comments a lot. She makes daily passive aggressive comments / snide comment about things everyday... but they do usually target either me, or my dad (who she also doesn't treat well verbally by the way). She never appreciate anything either of us do to try to make home life better, and will always make some negative comment.
I usually just ignore it as I know she's set in her ways (I literally avoid talking to my mom and usually try to be in a separate room... and I have done for years). My brother who I already mentioned says he finds it very difficult to converse with her and does get very frustrated too...
Today I just got super annoyed though from dealing with the build up and I confronted her about a comment she had just made knowing I could hear and explained how it is hurtful to people who hear it (in this case me, but also to my dad when she does the same for him too). I was obviously upset and explained why those things she says are wrong, and she then just put on this calm front suddenly like you would if you're taking the approach of being calm and stern with a naughty child, and said I had a "bad attitude" and that all I needed to do was "politely reply" to her and not make a big deal out of it. I told her it's not right for her to say that as she didn't start anything off politely and it never does when she gets in a huff and a puff and makes these passive aggressive comments that she knows we can hear. I told her her passive aggressive is really disrespectful, undermining and hurtful... but of course she wouldn't take any of it in and used her "calm front" as excuse that she wasn't those things. I told her I am sorry I find it hard to be the better person and just be polite to her when she treats us (my dad and I) so badly.
I later also apologised for how I spoke to her, to which she said, "It's ok. I'm used to it." (???) How? From who? Because I literally haven't confronted her for about 10 years when I was a teenager about the nasty things she says (which I did bring up during the argument that every time I even attempt to call her out on the horrid ways she talks verbally she just belittles me). My dad usually just ignores her too; I think like me he knows she'll never change or apologise so just tries to ignore it (I often feel bad for him.. he deserves so much better than her and the way she treats him). So, my mom just victimised herself with that comment.
I then added that I wasn't sorry for pointing out how horrid her passive aggression is though. Again, she didn't take anything on board, said I was "making a fuss over nothing again and bringing it all up again for no reason."
I honestly think a normal, "non-toxic", loving person would take on board when someone tells them that what they're doing/saying is hurtful and explains why, and consider working through it, apologising, looking inwardly about changing their behaviour somehow...
I'm going to be honest, I'm all for emotional resilience etc and not letting other people's words hurt you but it is really hard when that person is the person who's supposed to love and care for you most in the world - a parent. It's even harder when nearly everyone I know has positive relationships with their family so never understand what I'm talking about or think I'm exaggerating or victimising myself etc. Just a small number of people I know (maybe 2) have ever actually understood.
And even now I do understand that my mom (like my sister too to be honest but thankfully I don't see much of her), probably don't actually like themselves on a very deep level. Usually people who do bully others feel the need to try to dominate over someone else to help validate them self, and can't admit the awful things they say or do because they know they couldn't face themselves if they did actually acknowledge it (hence why I think my mom victimises herself and tries to make out like I am the problem).
But.. I just don't know if there's some other way I can deal with this? Is it best to just ignore it and endure the horrible comments she makes, or should I call her out every time and tell her her comments are hurtful and try to explain why, like I did today?