Relationship help please. I’m going insane

[Lonelydad35]

’im looking for peoples advice as I have no idea what to do with the situation I’m in.

I’ve been with my wife for 17 years
We met when we were 16. We have a 8 year old daughter who I adore

We where fine until my daughter was born, my wife suffered from post natal depression and couldn’t care for our daughter so I stepped up and did all the night feed etc, while running my own business, honestly the hardest time of my wife but I didn’t mind because she was ill, I gave her as much time as she needed. After nearly 2 years I cracked and asked her help. She said if I couldn’t manage then leave and she will bring our daughter up alone. I never asked for help again. I’m constantly put down, criticised
Told my way of doing things wrong! Even tho my daughter responded to me much better without any problems. She had help with the post natal depression and I honestly I did everything I could do to help

Fast forward 6 years I now sleep on the cough each night because she refuses to turn the tv off at night. We argue it gets me no where!

She does strange things then blames me, like moving her stuff even tho I have not touched them. She accused me of swearing at her and I definitely have not!

I have asked her to go to couples councilling
She refuses

I honestly do not know what to do with this, I love my daughter so much but I feel like I’m living in hell

Have you considered separation? Obviously you'd be your daughter's main carer seeing as your wife hasn't been able to do it. I'm normally all up for being understanding and working things through but it sounds like you've battled on for too long. Sadly, people change for many reasons. If she was willing to try, I'd say give it a go, but she's unwilling.

It sounds as if your marriage is over. You cant continue like this forever and I'm sure but daughter will pick up on the animosity if she hasn't already.

I think she's pushing you to leave, from what you've said. She's made living with her so intolerable so you walk.

I have considered it. We have had discussions about it but since then my wife has changed with my daughter she seems to be trying to convince my daughter she is now an amazing person, an amazing mother,
I wish she was I honestly do but it’s all an act
My daughter is loving it as she has never had thing type of attention from her and if I’m honest I’m scared of loosing my daughter, I’m scared of not seeing her everyday, makes me sound weak but I have given everything I have, I feel like I have nothing now

Has your wife been diagnosed with anything as it sounds like one of two things.

First, gaslighting. Gaslighting is where an abuser tries to undermine your sense of reality by making out you're going mad. The example you gave of her accusing you of moving things or saying things that you haven't, could be gaslighting.

Second, do you think she's fully recovered after experiencing post natal depression?

Irrespective of her mental health, no one has a right to put you down and constantly criticise you. I wouldn't have relationship counselling with her. It's very unfair for her not to turn the TV off at night and it's not fair that you have to sleep on the sofa.

Domestic Abuse organisations are still running and I suggest you contact one for advice and support. Try the Mensadviceline.

I think it's a difficult one. You mention PND. I had PND and had auditory and visual hallucinations. I could hear my baby crying when she wasn't. I could see things that just weren't there. I'm worried that maybe she really can hear you swearing when you aren't, or thinks she sees her things somewhere but then they're gone later. Maybe not and she is just being difficult. I don't know. But your post just made me think because my partner may have written similar about me when I was very mentally unwell. Has she had good counselling? Is she on any medication? PND can really mess with your head. Either way you sound like a good dad and I'm sure you will find a way forward that is best for you and your child. Good luck x

She was on medication and had counselling for months, this all stopped years ago she did improve compared to what she was like,
She is not the mother or partner I thought she would be, if I’m ill I get no care! I don’t expect much making me a drink would be an improvement on my current situation

I think she resents me for my bond with our daughter even tho that is not my fault I tried to get her to be involved, she refused so many times I gave up! She’s fake all her friends think she’s an amazing mother but they don’t see that the truth, they don’t see that she sits down and let’s me do everything

I’ve tried not doing anything then my daughter doesn’t get fed!

I don’t know how to prove any of this if we do split up

The scary thing is, my wife thinks she’s a good parent

I contacted a councillor and talked over the phone for weeks, and he also said it sounds like gas lighting and mental abuse!

I feel like I’m carrying my wife along in life with no help but the sad thing is I don’t know how to leave! I don’t know how to get out of this situation with my daughter! My life has become a lie, my wife Seems to make me feel constantly guilty! Some of the stuff is just ridiculous but she has just warm me down so much

If your wife is the primary carer while you work, then you may get 50/50 custody. It's very difficult to prove domestic abuse and it sounds as though this situation is detrimental to your mental health.

I advise you to have individual counselling which is currently possible via Skype in order to simply to talk to someone about all this and rebuild your confidence and self esteem.

Try to emotionally disengage from your wife and her constant criticism.

Check the Gingerbread website for information on custody, child contact, maintenance etc You can also have a look at the CABx website which is very comprehensive.

Keep a log of events as you might need that for evidence in the Family Court or the police. Get in contact with the Mensadvice line, details above for advice and support.

This situation is untenable OP and it's been eight years. It's not going to change, so you need to take the initiative and gather information and support in order to separate. It's also unhealthy for your daughter to remain in this situation.

@Lonelydad35

How awful for you, I can feel your despair

You must seek solid professional advice, document everything. If you can provide security for your child there is no reason you can't share custody surely? Leaving this relationship, which sounds like it is destroying you, is your only option. Would your wife care for your daughter if left to her own devices? If not, you need to prove this, get her the support she clearly needs and get the help you both need.

Tell her to leave and you keep your daughter. X

OP you're in a living hell. Get it sorted.

You would be so much better off without her. Please start to put things into place to allow you to separate. The starting point should be 50/50 care with your child if that’s practical and workable with your jobs etc. I can almost guarantee that you’ll end up with your child 85% of the time as your ex doesn’t sound awfully interested in the daily grind of parenting and will just do the bare minimum to be considered a joint parent (sounds like my DP’s ex, who rarely has the DCs to stay anymore but posts all over Facebook about it whenever she does so that everyone can see what a great job she’s doing )

Please don’t let fear keep you in this shitty relationship. Your DD loves you and your bond will keep your relationship strong even if you’re not together every day. It could even improve her relationship with her mum, who may well be able to step up if it’s just once or twice a week (as my XH did when we split) giving you a well earned break.

Whatever you do, don’t have counselling with her - she sounds like the type to say all the right things in the session and then come home and use it to berate you.

And at least being 8 your dd can tell you what’s going on if her mum doesn’t feed her etc and then you can push for full time if need be.