Is this controlling behaviour?

[nunnun]

I can't tell if this is controlling behaviour or not but I'm getting fed up with being asked to explain myself and my decisions and actions. Dh asks me if I locked the patio door after coming back in from the garden I said that I didn't think I had. He says WHY? Why didn't I lock the door? Might sound stupid but he does this a lot.

Maybe controlling, maybe concerned about safety / security. Any other examples op ?

Do you go out often and just leave it unlocked?
Why didn't you lock it?
My back door is open and the kitchen door only locked at night but I have a dog (and I smoke) so in and out.
What else does he question?

To be honest, if you are concerned enough to be asking here he most probably is. Your example isn't very illuminating though because as others have pointed out home security is important and it's not that odd to have a reminder about it.

He sounds abusive from this example, he's not your boss. Why not just go and check? Why is he demanding answers from you?

Other examples - if I'm cooking he's looking over my shoulder and often takes over because he thinks I'm not doing it right. If I'm sitting on the settee I have to move and sit somewhere else if one of the dogs wants to sit there. When I'm bringing in the food shopping he complains if in his opinion I haven't bought enough. If I want to go to see my son who lives in another city I have to give a reason and even when I do he asks WHY? Looking at me like I'm nuts for even wanting to go.

Oh those examples sound controlling. My ex did the cooking thing.

What does he say if you challenge him on it or ignore him?

Do you actually move when he tells you to move for the dog? Why?

What does he do if you don't move for the dog?

Are you scared of him?

Still finding it difficult to see the overall picture.

Why are you with him? Can you tell us the good points about him and your relationship. Anything significant that has changed over the time the two of you have been together?

He hasn't ever hit me or even threatened to, if he's not getting his own way he'll start making insinuations about my mental health and say that all my family are like it too. That I'm lazy and evil. Then tells me to f* off and leave. When I've tried to leave he changes and says he doesn't want me to go.

Jesus OP.
This is shocking.
YES it's all very abusive.
Make plans to escape asap.
Are you in lock down together?
Please call Womens Aid. They are mega busy but when you do speak to someone they can help reassure you that this is full on verbal, emotional abuse.
Get out ASAP.

My abusive ex did the same to me. His maternal gran was a paranoid schizophrenic and his dad would accuse his mum of being crazy etc when she’d get upset about him treating her like shit. My ex just repeated that behaviour with me. It’s abusive and he does this to control you and get you to back down because he doesn’t want to ever admit to being wrong. You should never, ever have to explain or give a reason to see your children. He’ll never change. You need to end the relationship. Who owns/rents the property you live in? X

Sounds really awful op.

That last bit is definitely abusive.

Totally abusive. Yes.

He's emotionally and verbally abusing you, OP. You need to figure out an exit plan. Speak with Women's Aid / local domestic abuse services.

Next time he says you need to leave, agree with him and follow through.

Yes, 100% he's abusive. I hope that you knew that, really, deep down. Your deep down feelings are worth tuning into and respecting; they are who you are.

My mum does exactly that to my dad all the time, it drives me nuts!!

I don't know if it's controlling as such, but it's definitely a problem. It's patronising and infantilising behaviour at best. Downright mean and abusive at worst.

tells me to fuck off and leave. When I've tried to leave he changes and says he doesn't want me to go.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

This will be your life. It's not fixable.

Just get your ducks in a row and leave as soon as the current situation allows.

It’s abuse. He won’t change, if you don’t leave you will be stuck in this situation.
Forget trying to reason with him, just get out as soon as you can