My partner is too hard on himself.

[duckingterrified]

Hi, I'm just looking for some advice here.

My partner is super hard on himself all the time. He's really perfectionistic in terms of his behaviour and appearance so whenever he makes a mistake he gets super anxious and often has panic attacks. E.g. I was trying to teach him to ice skate a few weeks back and he couldn't get the hang of it so he got really upset and quiet and started saying "I hate myself" over and over. I don't like it when he says this as it sets a bad example for our son.

Now we're in quarantine we've been trying to go on little jogs together but I have more stamina than him so when he can't keep up, he gets really mad at himself. I tell him "don't worry about it, you've done well" and he gets annoyed as if I'm patronizing him.

I don't take myself as seriously as he does so its often difficult when things like this happen as we always end up arguing. He tells me he needs me to be more loving and affectionate and I do try, but this is happening more and more frequently and I just wish he could be more lighthearted and laugh about things instead of getting angry at himself. He never takes it out on our son, but I don't want him to pick bad habits of thinking he's not good enough.

Any advice?

I'm afraid this is who he is op. Sorry not to be more helpful, it sounds very difficult to live with.

Sounds like a mix between manly pride being hurt and attention seeking, I’m sorry op. Because he says it to you.repeatedly. And he does so to get a reaction from you..

If he’s having panic attacks, has he even sought help from a doctor?

I normally wouldn’t be tough, but the fact he’s trying to make it your fault, that you need to be more loving and affectionate, and basically friggen massage that ego, is a really big red flag. .

Personally I’d ignore it. When he starts doing it walk away. He will get pissed off at first you’re not reacting, then he will escalate it, but eventually he will stop if he thinks you’re not going to massage his ego.

I speak from experience, if you try to solve his problem or build him up, you will make it worse, and you'll become his carer instead of his partner. He will also over time start to hate you because you'll be a reminder to him of how pathetically he behaves at times.

Ignore the attention seeking stuff as it happens, treat him like an adult and not a little boy. He is a grown up. He needs to take accountability for the way he treats himself and how he behaves in front of his own child. Have a couple of come-to-Jesus talks with him (speaking to him as you partner, NOT as if he is a wheedling little child who needs to be mothered) and make it clear that he needs to buck his ideas up.

The most you can do beyond that is to remind him that if he wants to feel better about himself, he needs to change his habits and get on with it.

You can't do it for him. Don't try to.