routine during quarantine..

[CustardPot]

Just wondering what everyone else couple routine is.... 7 years no kids and at the moment I don't think it's going well? He is into his guitar or pc games I am not and both just doing seperate things most of the day? Will take turns at cooking and then both just sit on our phones I don't know just feels like existing? Or we talk in the garden few minutes... Watch films now and then but he is not into horror films as I am, currently he has fell asleep on the sofa it's making me question what we actually have in common/ why I'm with him? :( X

Not sure what I'm after just someone's opinion/ prespective.

We have a three month old baby. During the day he is working from home mostly upstairs while I'm downstairs with the baby but he pops by or I pop up to him with tea. We have lunch together then after he's done with work we do a yoga video on YouTube together (if baby lets us!) Then he cooks, we have dinner and try to watch one of our TV shows together. Then it varies, usually he will pay video games for a bit, we might do a video call to family, baby's bath time together etc. Very much depends on whether baby is colicky but we do a fair bit together while also trying to make time for each of our separate hobbies.

What do you usually like to do together at the weekend? Do you have any common interests? Are you both doing equal amounts of housework?

We don't really have much in common anymore, I quess we both liked eating out and saving up to go holidays/ travelling but can't do any of that now.

I still love him it's just making me question if we are that compatible and don't seem have much romance/sex either . ( Mostly instigated by me). And yes he helps with the housework when I tell him to do! ( Has got better ) X

Can you have a date night at home? Pretend you're going to a bar and have indoor drinks or a meal. Both get dressed up for it and try to make it an event

Maybe the spark has gone but you can get it back if you both make an effort or want to try. Do you think he still wants to be with you?

He says he still loves me quess we have just become lazy, but we have had this same talk back in November he has s low sex drive and is always me intiating it all, and think it just feels like something is missing. I don't want to loose him but part of me thinks I'm just holding on to something out of being familiar. But then don't want to loose him either or regret leaving, Love is so confusing :( X

The lockdown will put pressure on relationships but it sounds like you were already struggling.

It can be possible to recover the spark if both parties want to but it may have run it’s course and it does depend what you both want from a relationship. How old are you, if you don’t mind my asking? For me, 7 years is a long time to be together without progressing to marriage and/or children but that’s assuming you want one or both of those and perhaps you don’t.

Sex is an important component of an intimate relationship and it does sound like you’ve become flat mates. If you don’t feel like you have much in common any more that’s probably your answer although, assuming this is your shared home, you probably can’t do much to change things at the moment.

If you split, you may well be able to preserve the friendship but don’t stay in a romantic relationship out of fear of being alone. That’s not fair to either of you. Life is not a dress rehearsal. Being single can be brilliant and you may well miss out on a more suitable relationship if you settle now. You might find it helpful to google sunk costs fallacy.

I'm 26 X I did have a few relationships before him but these were only a few months X We do live together and yes I did want to get married but have jsut coasted along really and like being with him but this past year is making me question if he's the one I'm meant to be with forever? We have spoke before and tried to make more effort but I don't think we are that suited any longer :( it hurts me to think leaving but then I don't want to look back on my life and wonder what if ?? I'm so torn hard when I still love him :( xx

I don't think I'm scared of being alone I'm worried il have made a mistake and hurts I wouldn't ever see him again to leave someone you love just dosnt make sense to me? But at the same time I'm staying when I could be happier with someone more suited to me? It's difficult :(

Can you find anything you can do together? I've ordered a board game, we also play cards. Thinking of learning Spanish (something like that would be useful in future if you enjoy travel)
A while ago before this happened we would pick a theme for meals once a week, so french meal with french wine, watch a french film etc. Might start doing that again!
You need to sit and have a frank discussion and try and find some common ground.

This isn't really a time to be having an amazing relationship. Just existing at the moment is OK. There will be couples out there tearing each others hair out. You guys are around each other 24/7 and from your post doesn't sound like you are arguing that much?

Suppose your right, and no we was arguing quite a lot last year but are getting on good now, just makes you wonder I quess, will suggest him do a date night tonight X

Now may not be the time to make a life-changing decision about your relationship – it might not be possible for you or your BF to move elsewhere in the current climate and it sounds like you are rubbing along okay together so there is no urgency about getting out.

However, I think you have your answer – your relationship was already feeling very flat before the lockdown and the lockdown has emphasised this. It's not surprising; you got together very young. Most people are not still with the person they loved at age 19 and there are good reasons for that – you're still growing and changing and finding yourself so much at that age. I do know some successful relationships where the partners got together very young but they are the exception rather than the rule. And in one of those cases, the couple split up in their early 20s precisely because it was too much too young and then reunited in their mid-20s having had relationships with other people in the intervening period and being able to judge better what worked for them. I don't know how many other posts you have read on here but I have noticed that a lot of the posters who are struggling with unfaithful or abusive partners have been with those partners since they were very young (teens/very early 20s). Not all of them by any means, but I think it can contribute to the difficulties that a relationship faces.

You say leaving someone you love doesn't make sense to you. But as if often said on here – love is not enough. Plus love can take many different forms. It really sounds like you love him as a friend. He may also be feeling the same. And you may well be able to preserve your relationship as friends – if not immediately, then at some point in the future. But I really don't think that's enough for a lifetime commitment involving marriage and children. As well as having lots in common, you (and he) really need to feel excited about the person you're making that commitment to and about the future you're planning together because there will be huge stresses and strains along the way – particularly if you do have children.

There are no guarantees in life. No-one can guarantee that you will meet someone you want to settle down with. But you almost certainly will. And given that you are already having perfectly reasonable misgivings about this relationship, which clearly no longer meets your needs, it is much more likely that you would regret marrying your current partner than you would regret leaving him and much more likely that your relationship would break down in the future and possibly at a point when the fall-out would be much more significant (e.g. if you have had children together).