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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Closed business due to corona and struggling with lack of self worth

16 replies

LionessRoar · 26/03/2020 07:44

Like many others I have had to close my business due to corona and I am gutted. I’m hoping I can rebuild it in time but I don’t know for sure. I have low self esteem anyway and am getting counselling for this. But now that’s much worse. I feel guilty as I don’t feel I contribute to my marriage, even though husband disagrees and we are financially comfortable on one wage. No children. It feels wrong to think of him working and me with all this free time. My husband loves his job and has said many times that he doesn’t care if I never work again as long as I’m happy. My job is only part time but I find it stressful due to mental health issues and tbh if I won the lottery I would give it up immediately. I guess the main concern is how can I contribute to my marriage fairly whilst out of work for next few months. Or is that impossible? We are happily married but I worry that he will feel I’m taking advantage and throw me out

OP posts:

category12 · 26/03/2020 08:22

You need to trust him that he loves you. You need to believe you're loveable. (Which is easy to say, but harder to work through). Really engage with your counselling - are you still able to have sessions by phone or Skype? If not, can your counsellor do email or give you strategies to work on in the meantime?

Also, you need to think about why you think money is the most important contribution? Doesn't anything else have value?

Constructive, practical things you could do, would be maybe doing some redecoration or stuff round the house? You hate your job, so how about using the time to decide what you do want to do and start making a plan how to do it (retraining? Study? Apprenticeship?)

Aside from that, you're married. He can't just throw you out. You're legally entitled to be in the marital home and you have a claim on the assets of the marriage. I hope you don't think that's a genuine possibility but rather your anxiety/depression talking, because otherwise your dh would be a scumbag - he's not a scumbag, is he?

This too shall pass, op. Life will get back to normal. You are loveable and you are going to get through.

Original poster

LionessRoar · 26/03/2020 09:42

Thanks for your reply. No he absolutely isn’t a scumbag. He is lovely and kind and these insecurities are just coming from me. He gives me no reason to doubt him.
I did speak to my counsellor yesterday which helped a bit but we had lots of other stuff to talk about too re corona etc. I really dont think money is the most important contribution... it’s more a case that I don’t value any other contributions I make. My husband says I make him very happy and bring joy into his life and that he wishes I could see myself the way he does.
I’m autistic and have anxiety and had bad PTSD in the past, due to a violent marriage, which I have now worked through. Tbh my job itself is not stressful, it’s my own issues which mean I find any job stressful. This is much better than anything else I’ve ever had and I would struggle to work in a normal environment due to struggling round people. My business means I work alone, from home and can control my own schedule which works for me. So whilst I would rather never work again it’s not really realistic so I’m just hoping I can rebuild my business when this is all over.

OP posts:

category12 · 26/03/2020 09:53

My husband says I make him very happy and bring joy into his life and that he wishes I could see myself the way he does.

Awww, that's so lovely, op. Melted my cynical blackened heart

I hope you can start to see it from his point of view too.

Original poster

LionessRoar · 26/03/2020 10:02

Category12, your comment made me laugh! Yes, I was really touched when he said that, especially that I bring joy to his life... Then my insecure, overthinking brain switches to analysing why that can’t be true. This is just highlighting how much more work I need to do with my counsellor, as I know these are my issues, not his... my judgements against myself are the problem. It’s just so hard to get out of that thought process.

OP posts:

category12 · 26/03/2020 10:05

It's bloody hard work rewiring the brain, but I think you’re on the right track.

Original poster

LionessRoar · 26/03/2020 10:07

Thank you. Yes it is hard work, when one thing seems to improve, it just seems to highlight another issue.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/03/2020 20:16

Stop turning in on yourself and write a list of your good points, when you feel anxiety or negativity creeping in busy yourself as a distraction.

You are ruminating on patterns from your past relationship, when this is a totally different playing field.

He clearly adores you, have some faith in that, and yourself.

There is plenty of scope to re-start your business.....get planning! X

MrFaceyRomford · 27/03/2020 01:09

You could look upon this as time to really examine your business, consider what it is, what it could be and how you are going to get it up and running again when the lockdown ends. In other words, your business is still on-going just without the customers for the time being.

Original poster

LionessRoar · 27/03/2020 08:54

Thank you Closet and MrFacey, that makes a lot of sense and Will do that.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 27/03/2020 12:04

Be the lioness of your username
Keep using the counselling and remind yourself that you're loved

Original poster

LionessRoar · 27/03/2020 13:49

Thank you

OP posts:

Mumski45 · 27/03/2020 14:04

Would volunteering for a bit whilst you can't work help with your self esteem?

Original poster

LionessRoar · 27/03/2020 15:46

i already do quite a lot of volunteer work and signed up for extra during corona, to help vulnerable people in our community eg by getting their shopping, prescriptions etc.

OP posts:

Devlesko · 27/03/2020 15:49

It's not money and a job or business that contributes towards a marriage, it's the people within it.
Your job/business doesn't define you as a person, work is work and life is life.
Your dh loves you and you love him, so that's the marriage sorted.
The business will have to wait until this is over.

Original poster

LionessRoar · 27/03/2020 16:24

Thank you Devlesko, I know you’re all right. This is my own issue and I have to trust the marriage will continue to be fine

OP posts:

JovialNickname · 29/03/2020 16:17

Please also remember Lioness that this CV situation is completely outside of your control, and everyone including your husband knows this. There was absolutely nothing you could have done! You didn't decide to take a break, put your feet up for a bit or want to fold your business. It was imposed upon you and that's awful. I'm sure your husband feels like I do reading this, which is how horrible for you and how unfair it is to have your business taken away through no fault of your own. Please try to stop beating yourself up, and listen instead to your lovely husband who clearly loves you very much

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